JORDAN: Thank you, Chuck. I will take this from you. You won’t be needing
it where you’re going. Man, your teammates
are right here, and I just long-claimed him. Wow.
That’s embarrassing, Jared. CHUCK: Hello, everyone. My name is Chuck Brungardt,
and I’m the CEO of IllFonic. We’re here playing Predator:
Hunting Grounds today. Who are you over
there, Mr. Gerritzen? JARED: Hi. I’m Jared Gerritzen. I’m the CCO at IllFonic. CHUCK: What’s a CCO? JARED: Chief Creative Officer. CHUCK: So you create things? JARED: I do.
CHUCK: Nice. JARED: With the help
of Tramell and Jordan. CHUCK: Go ahead, Tramell. TRAMELL: That would be a
segue way to me, right? And I am the Vice President
of Art of IllFonic, Tramell Ray Isaac. And now it’s on you. JORDAN: Thank you, Tramell. I’m Jordan Mathewson, the lead designer on
Predator: Hunting Grounds. And today we’re going to
be playing some games. And I’m gonna try
and murder Tramell, and I think Tramell is gonna
try and murder me at some point. TRAMELL: God dammit. Yes, I’m gonna give it
a good old college try. That’s what they say. JORDAN: So we’re gonna
jump into a match here. I’m just wrapping up
some customization, making sure my Fire Team is outfitted with all the correct gear to kill Tramell of course. You guys ready? TRAMELL: Get kitted out. You gotta get
kitted out for that. JORDAN: I got my Pred ready.
I got my Fire Team ready. Let’s do this. So it’s my turn to
be Predator now as I hunt down my
fellow colleagues here. I don’t think any of you guys
stand a chance to be honest. TRAMELL: Wow. CHUCK: Jordan, I’m
gonna kill you so hard. JORDAN: You know when a
cat plays with a mouse? Okay. Okay. Let’s see here. TRAMELL: I just got
startled by some birds. CHUCK: There’s a guy over here. TRAMELL: Hey guy.
What are you doing? Just destroyed that kid. Get outta my face. JORDAN: Look at that. What do you know. Right there, one of those birds
flying away that someone just kicked up. It’s almost like you
guys want to be found. TRAMELL: Yep. I’m going around the back way. JORDAN: Is that you,
Tramell, that I’m watching? TRAMELL: Probably. CHUCK: I’m trying to find
some mud to — TRAMELL: Oh, he’s
shooting at me. CHUCK: Where would
I find some mud? TRAMELL: Look out, laser beams. No! I’m down. JARED: Tramell, what
are you doing, dude? JORDAN: The correct
answer is, yes, looking anywhere that
looks watery, muddy. You can just look straight down, and you’ll be able to
apply mud to yourself. And it will only last
a little bit of time, but it makes it very
difficult for me to see you. JARED: What are you doing?
Why are you over here? CHUCK: Why am I way over there? JORDAN: I’m so close. TRAMELL: I was
snaking around, man. JARED: What the shit? TRAMELL: Oh, get out of here. CHUCK: Normal lasers,
normal force lasers. JORDAN: They’re naturally
occurring in this part of the world obviously. TRAMELL: I needed that. JARED: Wait, where’s
the fourth person? CHUCK: Sorry, I’m coming, guys. TRAMELL: Watch out,
he’s aiming at you. No! CHUCK: It’ll grow back. TRAMELL: Who was that? CHUCK: No, no, no. JARED: How are you down again? TRAMELL: That’s not me.
That’s not me. It’s somebody else. I’m trying to run. Crawl this way. Did you get him? Did you get him up? CHUCK: I’m safe
for the time being. TRAMELL: We’re going
to the objective. I don’t know where
you guys are going. Run. JARED: Why did you
go this way, Tramell? TRAMELL: What? Don’t worry about that, man. Why are you living in the past? JORDAN: Probably the most
important thing about being a Predator is making sure
you pick your moments. I could run right now, and
I probably would succeed, but. CHUCK: You totally
ran right into him. JORDAN: I have the perfect
opportunity now for you guys to get sidetracked by all these AI. BRETT: On the Fire Team,
while we’re down here, other than our objectives,
what should we be not doing? You mentioned kicking up noise, drawing a lot of
attention to ourselves. TRAMELL: I just did
the alarm thing. You should probably not do that. Just follow me, and you’ll
learn all the things not to do. CHUCK: There’s a lot of ways you
can kind of come in and sneak into a camp if you can and try
to avoid the AI where you can. And then there’s some
as soon as you trigger, there’s a guy that will run and
make things — JARED: Oh no. CHUCK: Use your words.
What’s going on? JARED: I don’t know.
I’m down. Jordan shot me. TRAMELL: Oh no. I need
some help there, bro. CHUCK: I’m close. But
this feels suspicious. JARED: Watch out for
that guy over there. TRAMELL: It’s a tarp.
It’s a tarp. Watch out. I got a health kit over here. Get this. I’m gonna need that. JORDAN: Whoa. TRAMELL: I just got healed up. JARED: Help me, save me. TRAMELL: Who’s down? Where you at? I’m coming for you. CHUCK: Swear to goodness. JARED: He shot me in the back. TRAMELL: Shoot him in the head. Just put him out of his misery. It’s too late. It’s too
late for that guy. CHUCK: Oh, there it goes. TRAMELL: Kill him, kill him. JORDAN: I’ll be taking that. TRAMELL: Chuck a grenade at him. JARED: Keep on tagging him.
Keep on tagging him. CHUCK: Get him,
get him, get him. TRAMELL: Grenade. JARED: He’s over here. TRAMELL: Follow the
trail that he’s leaving. JARED: Yeah, so you can kind of
see now on the ground there’s some of his green blood
so you can kind of follow. TRAMELL: He’s got
that green goo. CHUCK: Where did he go? TRAMELL: I’m gonna mud
up so he can’t see me. JARED: Sorry. I got sidetracked with some — TRAMELL: Just slather
on that mud. It feels so good. Oh, dude, I found
some jewels over here. JORDAN: So how are you guys
doing with the mission? TRAMELL: The mission
is to kill you. That’s what I’m trying to do. JARED: Wait, why is
there only three of us? Where’s the fourth? TRAMELL: I don’t know. JORDAN: You didn’t see me rip
his skull out in front of you. TRAMELL: Oh, dude. Did we lose a guy and not know? JORDAN: Brett was sitting there,
and I jumped down and ripped. TRAMELL: Oh wow. CHUCK: Let’s just
stay right here. Let’s just stay right here. JARED: Reinforcements. CHUCK: No, let’s wait for that. TRAMELL: No, I’m
gonna do it now. BRETT: You’re gonna do it now? CHUCK: Tramell just runs off. TRAMELL: Yes, I’m gonna do it. I gotta get your boy back in the
game seeing how you don’t know what he’s doing. BRETT: So of anything I
collected, the currency, if I get my head
ripped off, is that it? TRAMELL: That’s all gone, dude. You know that blue dude
that hits stuff and jewels come out of him? That’s you. I just shot a boar. JARED: There’s actually a way
for you to come back in game so there’s reinforcement points. TRAMELL: I just
called reinforcements. He should be good to go. JORDAN: I don’t think
you did, Tramell. CHUCK: I don’t think you did. TRAMELL: I did. BRETT: The fact that you
have to stand near it. CHUCK: Wait, wait, wait, wait. JARED: He’s coming. Watch out. TRAMELL: I’m pressing
reinforcements. Why is he not — JARED: So that’s a way for you to come back in the game. TRAMELL: Oh snap. Watch out. CHUCK: I’ve been resurrected. JARED: Respawn chance. TRAMELL: Here it is.
You’re welcome. How about that? BRETT: I will try too make
it worth everyone’s while. TRAMELL: I just
saved your life, son. CHUCK: He’s over east.
He’s over east. TRAMELL: Let’s just
track him down. F this mission. BRETT: Oh wait. I see his eyes. TRAMELL: Don’t shoot until you
see the whites of his eyes. BRETT: What if they’re
blinking yellow? TRAMELL: Then kill. BRETT: Is that good? TRAMELL: Destroy them too. Hey, I’m going this way. Why don’t somebody follow me? JARED: Tramell. CHUCK: Let’s go get him.
Let’s go get his back. TRAMELL: Come on. Come on.
We’re a team here man. You guys are the
worst teammates. CHUCK: There’s gonna be no
skull in team pretty soon. TRAMELL: I gotta say,
this map looks — JARED: You think so? TRAMELL: Yeah, I really do. Anybody see him floating
around here somewhere? JARED: Why are we here?
Why are we here. TRAMELL: Waiting for the
final showdown, dude. BRETT: There’s these shipping
crates that need my attention. TRAMELL: The final showdown. All right, come on. All right. I’ll set the trap for you. JARED: Okay. We’re
inside the search area. CHUCK: You guys are the
worst teammates ever. TRAMELL: No man, I’m
just waiting for him. He’s faking us out.
It’s all a fake out. Watch out for that gas. JARED: Why? Why? CHUCK: Oh no, no, no. TRAMELL: Get out of the net. JARED: No. I gotta mash this button. TRAMELL: No. I’m being murdered. Help. Get me out of this net. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help. Help. JORDAN: Around the
corner first, Tramell. TRAMELL: No, that’s not me. Why are you hunting me only? JORDAN: What do you think
I’m hunting you only? TRAMELL: Why? JARED: You just keep on
running off by yourself. TRAMELL: I’m not by myself. I’m right by this guy with
the giant machine gun. JARED: He’s in the camp. He’s in the camp.
He’s in the camp. TRAMELL: I know. There he is. He’s on the roof.
He’s on the roof. There he is right there. What are you doing? What are you waiting on? He’s right in front of you. Come on, man. Jared, I expect better from you. Come on. You just let him shoot you. All right. Come on, man. Get it together. CHUCK: Why don’t we
do the objective? JARED: Oh, now? Look at how much
time has passed. CHUCK: East, east, east. TRAMELL: I don’t know
what that is, dude. I see the compass at
the top of the screen, but I don’t know direction. Oh, there he is.
He’s in the trees. Over there in the trees. CHUCK: Good job, Tramell. TRAMELL: You said east though. I don’t know. JORDAN: I’m just gonna see one
of the alternatives Predator has to healing is also feasting
on the local wildlife. TRAMELL: Who uses
that terminology? JORDAN: A Predator that’s
feasting to replenish his health obviously. TRAMELL: He doesn’t feast.
Is anybody — JARED: No
one’s doing the objectives. BRETT: I got three
relics out of six. TRAMELL: That’s
not the objective. JORDAN: You’re just on
the relics part of this? TRAMELL: That’s you
enriching your life. BRETT: I’m up to four. TRAMELL: What area were you
supposed to be searching? BRETT: My pockets are
full of relics. TRAMELL: Those relics
aren’t gonna save you. All right. Come on now. Everybody do the thing. JORDAN: I have to say, I’ve
never been so relaxed as a Predator in my entire life. For the first time I feel like
I can just relax and enjoy the finer points of
planning my next attack. TRAMELL: You came across
a greedy bunch of Predator hunters. CHUCK: A barrel
just blew up on me. JORDAN: Did you
seriously shoot a barrel? CHUCK: It just blew up. TRAMELL: My bad. CHUCK: And you just took
half my health, man. I was raised to trust. TRAMELL: I’m trying to
lure him out to the open. CHUCK: You’re joking me? TRAMELL: If I kill
his food source, he won’t be feasting
over there in the corner, so I killed a boar. JARED: Oh god, run. BRETT: He’s in the trees.
He’s in the trees. CHUCK: Where’s this last piece? There we go. TRAMELL: I’m shooting stuff. Watch out. BRETT: We have to call
it out every time. TRAMELL: I know because
everybody’s all mad now. Shooting stuff,
what are you doing? Oh no. He’s coming. I think he’s over
there by the rocks. JARED: There he goes. TRAMELL: All right.
I see him now. All right. Did we get all the relics? BRETT: We did. TRAMELL: All right. Now what? BRETT: Reach final
relic location. JORDAN: You guys
have no time left. JARED: Oh man. Don’t worry about us. JORDAN: Hurrying it up. TRAMELL: The plan is to kill
you within the last two minutes. That’s the game plan. Oh, got netted! Help. Help. Somebody cut me free. CHUCK: Serpentine. Serpentine. TRAMELL: Oh, help. Oh no. Oh, you gonna leave me? It’s like that, Chuck? All right, cool. CHUCK: Why are you’re
crawling away from me? You’re crawling away from me. TRAMELL: No, I’m on my feet. CHUCK: Who’s this then? TRAMELL: I don’t know
who the hell that is. JARED: I was ready to
die on these steps. I’m sorry. TRAMELL: He’s gonna
just kill himself. JARED: I was down. It was a trap. TRAMELL: He was gonna
kill himself for the team. CHUCK: Sorry, guys. TRAMELL: Where you at, Chuck?
I want to help. JORDAN: Thank you, Chuck.
I will take this from you. You won’t be needing
it where you’re going. You’re teammates are right here, and I just long-claimed him. Wow. That’s embarrassing, Jared. TRAMELL: Whatever, man.
Forget that guy. JARED: I was dealing with the
guys they didn’t — TRAMELL: Oh man,
Pred 3 got killed? Am I the last one left? JARED: I just died of shock. TRAMELL: Is there any way I can
just get a helicopter out of here without doing any work? JORDAN: They’re not
gonna get you out. You gotta finish the mission. TRAMELL: F that mission, man. People getting killed out here. Just aliens in the forest. What am I supposed to do now? I’m not doing that mission. I’m scared. There’s a dude out there. JORDAN: Take this. Took out some frustrations
on an AI because you guys are presenting zero challenge. TRAMELL: Oh my god. Oh, boar. JARED: Why is this
so hard to go up? Goddamnit, Jordan. TRAMELL: Are you
still alive, dude? JORDAN: Tramell, you have not
been alone this entire time. TRAMELL: I thought
everybody was dead. JORDAN: Now there’s two
minutes left in the match. TRAMELL: I thought
everybody was dead. JORDAN: Find out
where you guys are. TRAMELL: Jared, where are you? JARED: You can check
on the mini-map, bro. TRAMELL: I don’t see you at all. Oh, I got laser
beams on my back. Serpentine. I should probably mud
up so he can’t see me. JORDAN: You would really like
the reinforcements at this point. TRAMELL: Dude, I’m
so hurt right now. I have no juice left.
No more juice. All right. I’m gonna just stand on
the log and cut my chest. Oh, whatever. I’m dead. F you man. JORDAN: Enjoy that
beautiful cut scene of you getting your
skull ripped out. TRAMELL: Man, I wish I had a
grenade I could have just pinned and took out and
shoved in your pants. JORDAN: Jared, I see you
with that mini-gun up there. You’re just gonna
stand your ground? JARED: I think so. JORDAN: You got a minute left. JARED: God. TRAMELL: Jared, where are you? I see you. Looking nice there. Pretty good. Why do you have your
knife out, really? Like, come on, man. At least try to win. JARED: Because I have the
slowest weapons right now. TRAMELL: At least try to
give us a fighting chance. CHUCK: Thirty seconds
get to the chopper. TRAMELL: Take him out. There was no chopper called. He’s taking on AI right now. There he is. Get him. BRETT: Knife him, knife him. TRAMELL: Jared, get him. What are you doing? JORDAN: Come on, Jared. TRAMELL: Jared, come on, man. Oh, dude, he just
wrapped you up. JORDAN: Come on. Get out of it. I’m gonna give you
a fighting chance. TRAMELL: No. Pull it out. Get him. ALL: Oh. BRETT: He just ninja’d you. TRAMELL: Thought you
had the machine gun. JORDAN: You are the absolute
worst team I ever played. TRAMELL: Hey, man, we gave
him a good fighting chance. JARED: That’s what I’m
talking about right there. TRAMELL: Gave him
some entertainment. JORDAN: I’m telling you,
that was the easiest round of Predator I’ve ever had. TRAMELL: Whatever. JORDAN: Really gave me a chance
to soak it all in though. Thank you guys. So both sides depending on
which faction you choose, depending on if it’s Predator
or Fire Team, Fire Team, we are looking at several different classes that specialize in various things
that will help you throughout the match. It’s a pretty well-rounded, best for beginner type
of class style. You got Recon and you
have Scout and Support, all kind of brandishing
their own unique attributes. As well as that, everyone has
access to all the weapons. So you can pick the style of
gameplay on top of the class as well as kit those weapons out
and make sure they’re ready for whether you’re facing the AI
specifically or prepping to go against the Predator
at close range. You got a suite of sniper
riffles, assault rifles, a few special goodies in there. My personal favorite
being the mini-gun itself. But when it comes time to
something up close, of course, the shotguns are always a great
choice as well as gear perks just to further tune your
playstyle to what you want in your loadout. And, of course, don’t forget
all the preferences that you can cosmetic out your character to
make sure they look unique and match exactly what you
want to show people when you’re on the hunt. Then on the Predator side,
kind of the same deal. There are some different
classes that will be available, and depending on which class
you choose will also affect your attributes going into matches,
whether it’s health, speed, melee damage. And it also has access to all
the weapons that you can use which also are very unique
to their certain use cases. And then in addition, some gear
and perks will further adhere to your playstyle. And, of course,
like the Fire Team, being able to swap between all
the different types of Predator and some masks, war paint,
making sure that you’re standing out and being nice and unique against everyone else
that’s out there. A lot of different options that
you can go through to make sure that your Predator is very
flashy especially when you’re ripping people’s skulls out. You want to make a statement and
show them that you have played this game a lot
longer than they have. TRAMELL: All right, new
guy, stick with you us. JARED: I tried to
learn from my mistakes, but this head just wants
to jump out of my body. TRAMELL: Please
keep it to yourself. Keep your head to
yourself please. All right. Everybody find some place
to get some mud on so the Predator can’t see you. JORDAN: That’s not
gonna help you guys. TRAMELL: It will help
a little bit. JORDAN: Not with me
and my keen eyes. TRAMELL: Your keen eyes. JORDAN: Predator has a nice
little isolation pulse ability that is only active for
a few short seconds. TRAMELL: Kill that boar
so he can’t eat it. JORDAN: These guys provide me
with their nice audio that you can see all the
way across the map. TRAMELL: Whatever. JORDAN: Someone’s not silenced. CHUCK: I’m definitely
not silenced. TRAMELL: I’m not silenced. I told you I didn’t
spend my chips. Hey. What are you guys doing? Stick together. Stick
together there, buddy. You guys are going
in loud, dude. Use a knife next time. JARED: The damage has
already been done. I don’t know what you
guys are trying to. TRAMELL: Just stabbed him. Just stabbed that guy. Keep it silent like we should. CHUCK: I’m going rogue. TRAMELL: Come on, man. You said we were supposed
to stick together. CHUCK: Zero to rogue
in like 20 seconds. TRAMELL: All right. I’m shooting barrels again.
How about that? BRETT: I found another tape.
I wonder what’s on it. TRAMELL: I don’t know. I’m picking up these jewels. Some dough. Spend on my cosmetics. Oh man. Who triggered the alarm? JARED: We’re not even
at the right camp. TRAMELL: These guys. JARED: At least I think so. Oh, hello. TRAMELL: Oh my god. JARED: That was a pretty
quick run-in right there. TRAMELL: I think I
need the support. JORDAN: I can see you. TRAMELL: Don’t worry about me. JORDAN: I see you
everywhere you go. TRAMELL: All right. How about this? Cause a distraction. JORDAN: Best course of action
is always about engaging. JARED: Why are there six guys? CHUCK: Triggered the alarm. TRAMELL: You’re leaving
all the jewels around. I just picked up some. CHUCK: What do the
jewels do, Jordan? Can you explain to us what
you can do with those? TRAMELL: I just picked those up. You don’t need those. JORDAN: Yes, through
the magic of — sorry. Get out of that situation. TRAMELL: Lots of jewels in here. JORDAN: So around different maps
there are collectibles that you can find, one of which
being the Vertanium, which is some rare
Predator metal. And you can use those to
purchase all the cosmetics that we have in our game as well. TRAMELL: I’m gonna buy
me a whole new suit now. JORDAN: A nice suit, all
these cool gun skins, and all the stuff — oh
is that you, Tramell? Yes. Come back here. TRAMELL: Help, help. I’m sticking together. Help. Where’s my team? Oh man. You guys stink. Come on. I’m right here. JARED: I don’t know.
He’s awfully close. CHUCK: Yeah, you’re
kind of loud. Why don’t you just die already. Oh no. TRAMELL: That’s horrible. JARED: He just stunned me. I tagged him guys. You know where he’s at. CHUCK: I’m going after him. TRAMELL: I’m running indoors. I’m scared. JARED: Grenade. BRETT: My healing hands. JARED: Thank you. TRAMELL: I need to get
this life juice in me. JARED: Inject the life juice. CHUCK: I don’t know. I’m alone. JORDAN: Chuck, come back. CHUCK: No, I’m running.
I’m running. TRAMELL: Don’t run off. We’re supposed to stick
together this time. JORDAN: I would focus on the
mission if I were you, Tramell. Last thing you need right
now is looking good while you’re failing. TRAMELL: I like to look good. CHUCK: He’s up there.
He’s up there. I just got blasted. TRAMELL: Don’t
get blasted again. CHUCK: Oh no, and I
dropped a grenade. TRAMELL: Come on, Chuck.
Plant the explosives. CHUCK: All right. I’m good. I’m good. I’m good. TRAMELL: All right
I got tow covered. He’s in the trees. CHUCK: Please cover me.
Please cover me. TRAMELL: He’s in the trees.
I see him. JARED: Is that one of you guys? JORDAN: It is, Jared. BRETT: Sorry. I’m trying to make up
for my past mistake. CHUCK: You got to tag him. BRETT: How do I tag him? JARED: Yes, if you’re ADSing
and you — TRAMELL: He’s in the tree. CHUCK: Oh, okay. TRAMELL: You gotta spot him
so everybody else can see him. JORDAN: Probably one of the
biggest things the Fire Team needs to communicate. TRAMELL: Yep. AI guy over here. F you guy. I just destroyed you. CHUCK: He’s up in the trees. Jumping west. There he is. TRAMELL: Get indoors, Chuck. Don’t stand in the open. CHUCK: I’m getting
under the rock. Gonna be safe. JARED: What the? CHUCK: I just got a snipper. Oh, right, I took one
of the PM heads earlier. TRAMELL: Where did
this guy come from? CHUCK: Who’s head is this? JARED: What’s going
on with that bomb? TRAMELL: You gotta
stand around it. It’s got a couple seconds left. Should I not be
by these barrels? CHUCK: Probably not. TRAMELL: Snap. More PMC dudes. There’s a PMC sniper over here. He’s taking some damage. CHUCK: Nope. TRAMELL: Blew it up. All right. Now what? JARED: Go, go, go, go. TRAMELL: Hold my six. I gotta get some ammo. Hey, wait. You guys stink. JORDAN: Tramell, off on his own? TRAMELL: I’m not.
I’m trying to catch up. They left me. You guys are the worst team. See, this is how people lose, hanging out by themselves
in the bushes. All right.
Everybody stay inside. JORDAN: I’m really just
looking for you, Tramell. JARED: Serpentine.
Everyone, serpentine. TRAMELL: He’s
throwing out gadgets. Look at these gadgets
he’s throwing out. JORDAN: Oh no. Why
did I just do that? TRAMELL: He’s got audio
decoys or something. Who’s killing me? JORDAN: Are you serious? TRAMELL: I just jumped
out of the window. JORDAN: How was
the chopper called. Who actually
completed the mission? Oh boy. TRAMELL: I gotta pick
up some more jewels. Don’t worry about it. Oh no! Come on. No. CHUCK: We’ll always
remember you, sir. TRAMELL: Don’t leave me. I’ll crawl in your direction. Help. JORDAN: The only
reasonable thing to do. Time to go take care of — CHUCK: You should just put him out of his misery. TRAMELL: No, come on. JORDAN: I don’t want too. I kind of want to let
him just bleed out. TRAMELL: No, don’t do it. Somebody come back and help me. I’ll give you all
the Vertanium I have. JORDAN: You bargain. TRAMELL: Come on, man. You still got a chance to do
what’s right in this world. JORDAN: This is a
trick shot right here. TRAMELL: Killed that action. Really? Tell my kids. ALL: Oh my god. JARED: You gotta be joking. TRAMELL: Yep, see. That’s what you get.
That’s what you get. JORDAN: Oh my goodness. TRAMELL: That’s what you get. CHUCK: Was that
even an honorable hunt? JARED: Such bullshit. TRAMELL: At least
I left my head. I got my head on my body. That’s exactly what you get. JORDAN: I don’t care if
that was a half victory. That was the best Smart Disc I
think I ever thrown in my life. JARED: Ah, man. JORDAN: Well, that
was fantastic. Thanks so much for
watching, everybody. We look forward to
you playing the game. We are extremely excited to be
able to show it to everyone, especially just getting
to sit down, play, have some fun and show everyone
what it’s all about, so. CHUCK: And we might see some of on March 27th, right? Or the 28th or the
29th, one of those days. JORDAN: Gonna be awesome. CHUCK: Or all three. JORDAN: Rip out
some spines for us. CHUCK: Exactly.
Today’s Friday. That’s usually when
I meditate a little bit and kind of clear my head over
this long, stressful week. It’s also kind of great
to embrace the quiet and embrace —
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it’s kind of been. But thank you so much for
tuning in and watching our show and giving to all these
great charities. A couple people have asked
if I am giving to these charities as well,
and, yes, my family is donating to every charity
that we’ve mentioned so far during these shows. And thank you so much.
Every amount counts. So I really appreciate that. And, man, it’s been a really
interesting week. Day 15, is it? Day 15, and I just want to say
first off, Hoda, I feel you, buddy. And everyone’s just showing
their creative ways of dealing with this and being so kind to
each other out there. And I want to say thank you
for that. I miss my crew and everybody
back at the show. But everyone helping us here,
I am so proud of this team. Thank you, everyone involved
in “The Tonight Show,” and thank you to my neighbors,
by the way. I’ve been getting a bunch
of drawings from kids saying that —
what their favorite bits are and thanking me
for doing the show. And today I got an edible
arrangement. I didn’t even know they do this. It was just a box of vegetables. I didn’t know they do that.
It wasn’t arranged at all. It was really nice, fresh
vegetables from Anonymous, from a neighbor that said, “Thank you so much
for the shows you’re doing. You’re making us feel happier
and calming me down,” something like that. Thank you for whoever sent that
and didn’t want credit. I want to give you credit.
Thank you so much for that. I appreciate it. Now I’d like to do
some monologue jokes that really go over — they go
over really well. So here we go. Should I — maybe I’ll walk in. Hey, everybody. Welcome to “The Tonight Show:
At Home Edition.” -Whoo-hoo.
-Well, it’s Friday night and the weekend is here. If you’re bummed that you’re
stuck inside, just imagine that you have two brunches,
a kid’s birthday party, and a dance recital to go to. [ Imitates cheering ] That is getting pots and pans
banging everywhere. People are applauding
for that joke. I really need to get out. I watch so much TV that
I’ve now memorized the entire William Shatner sleep apnea
commercial. [ Imitates Shatner ]
“William Shatner here. You know, I’ve been using
a CPAP machine for over ten years and it’s made
a world of difference to me.” Seriously, though,
I’m watching so much TV, today I accidentally called my
daughters Kendall and Kylie. I’m so desperate to get outside, when someone throws one item
in the garbage, I bag it up and take it out
to the trash can. BRB.
Be right back. I’m really running out of ways
to stay entertained. Last night I left our
back door open and prayed raccoons would come in. Things are getting a little
crazy at the house. This afternoon I went into the
bathroom and caught my Roomba in the dark
watching “Wall-E.” “Someone’s in here.” My Roomba told me to knock. I saw that Hallmark is giving
away one million free cards so people can send notes
to loved ones. That’s really great because
if there’s one thing we need right now, it’s people touching
licked envelopes. And finally, I saw a poll that
said men are less likely to follow social distancing
guidelines than women, which means a year from now,
the only people on Earth will be four billion women
and Dr. Fauci. That’s tonight’s monologue.
[ Laughter ] I got a little camera shake
there. Tonight’s guests are Tina Fey,
who I just love. I’ve known her forever now
from “Saturday Night Live,” and she used to write for me,
then we were “Weekend Update” partners, and then the rest
is — she’s amazing. I thank her so much.
She’s going to be talking about cityharvest.org. We’re also going to talk to
Chef Jose Andres, who is just awesome. He’s on the cover of
“Time” magazine right now for what he’s doing
with World Central Kitchen, wck.org.
That’s his charity. And we’ll be talking everything
that he’s going on. I think he’s going to be
in his kitchen. I want to quickly first give
a congrats to our pal. I don’t know if you can
see it here. Kamal.
Kamal had a baby boy. -Kamal, whoo-hoo!
-Kamal, we love you, guys! -We love you!
-Oh, my gosh! Congratulations
to the whole fam. Beautiful baby boy. That’s the best news ever, man. A baby just makes everyone
happy. So that is awesome, buddy.
I miss you so much, Kamal. I miss everyone in The Roots. In fact, we got together
and — through Zoom and technology — and made a little song
because right now I think everyone feels
like we’re a little stuck in the middle. Please enjoy. -One, two, three, hit it. ♪♪ ♪♪ -♪ Well, I don’t know
why I came here tonight ♪ ♪ I got the feeling that
something ain’t right ♪ ♪ I’m so scared in case
I fall off my chair ♪ ♪ And I wonder how
I’ll get down the stairs ♪ ♪ Clowns to the left of me,
jokers to the right ♪ ♪ Here I am, stuck in
the middle with you ♪ ♪ Yes, I’m stuck in the
middle with you ♪ ♪ And I’m wondering
what it is I should do ♪ ♪ It’s so hard to keep
a smile on my face ♪ ♪ Losing control,
I’m all over the place ♪ ♪ Clowns to the left of me,
jokers to the right ♪ ♪ Here I am, stuck in
the middle with you ♪ ♪ Well, you started out
with nothing ♪ ♪ And you’re proud that
you’re a self-made man ♪ ♪♪ ♪ And your friends
they all come crawling ♪ ♪ Slap you on the back
and say ♪ ♪ Please ♪
♪♪ ♪ Please ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Well, I’m trying to make
some sense of it all ♪ ♪ But I can see it makes
no sense at all ♪ ♪ Is it cool to go to sleep
on the floor ♪ ♪ No, don’t think I can
take anymore ♪ ♪ There are clowns
to the left of me ♪ ♪ Jokers to the right
Here I am ♪ ♪ Stuck in the middle
with you ♪ ♪ Yes, I’m stuck in the
middle with you ♪ ♪ Here I am, stuck
in the middle with you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m ♪ ♪ Stuck in the middle
with you ♪ [ Song ends ] [ Applause ] ♪♪ -Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to “The Tonight Show:
At Home Edition.” Today is Friday, and that’s
usually when I, you know, check my inbox,
return some emails. And, of course, I send out
thank-you notes. And I have my buddies here
helping me out today. So I’d like to write out some
thank-you notes right now. If that’s okay with you.
-[ Fusses ] -Okay, buddy. Frances — -[ Fussing ] Okay, Frances, you know
your job, right? ♪♪ -Thank you, showers, for once being a routine
part of my day and now feeling like
a major accomplishment. ♪♪ [ Boos ] [ Laughs ] -[ Giggles ]
-Um… [ Boos ] Thank you,
getting food delivery, for suddenly making me feel
like I’m a spy intercepting an elaborate drop. “The hamburgers are
in the hole.” [ Boos ] “I repeat, the hamburgers
are in the hole.” [ Boos ] All right. Just press
the purple one. That’s good. ♪♪
[ Boos ] Thank you, journals, for now
reading less like a diary and more like a captain’s log after being lost at sea.
[ Boos ] All right. Here we go.
Just the purple one. Just this one.
-I got that. -Yep.
-[ Giggles ] ♪♪ -Thank you, socks,
for being the new shoes. You can pick up that one now. ♪♪ -[ Shouting ] ♪♪ -Who is that?
-Just a stranger. [ Laughs ] ♪♪ Thank you, journals, for now reading less like
a diary and more like a captain’s log after
being lost at sea. [ Drumming,
light laughter ] [ Drumming ] That’s good.
You can go to the next one. [ Drumming ]
♪♪ -It’s definitely Friday
around here. ♪♪ -Thank you, making shows from
home, for making me feel like I got a promotion from
talk show host to YouTube star. Don’t forget to smash
that like button. Next one. Thank you, couch,
for really stepping up during this difficult time
to become a desk, table, bed, bookshelf,
and trash can. Next one. ♪♪ Thank you, Dr. Anthony Fauci
listening to Trump, for looking like me
when someone suggests a 9:00 A.M. Zoom meeting. ♪♪ [ Murmurs ] ♪♪ Thank you, 40-minute limit
on free Zoom software. Seriously, thank you,
thank you, thank you. 40 minutes is enough. That’s good. Thank you, “welp,” for being the official slogan
of wrapping up a phone call during quarantine. Come on. ♪♪ Thank you,
virtual happy hours, for being a great rebranding
for drinking alone. ♪♪ And that’s our thank-you notes
right there. Thank you to Winnie.
Thank you to Frannie. And thank you to my wife
for operating this camera. We’ll be right back with
Tina Fey, everybody. ♪♪ -I got to catch up with one
of my favorite people today. From her apartment in Manhattan,
here is Tina Fey. Tina Fey, welcome to “The
Tonight Show at Home Edition.” I love you, buddy.
You’re looking great. Thank you so much
for doing this. I appreciate it so much.
-It’s my pleasure, pal. It’s good to see you.
-Great to see you, as well. And where are you?
Are you in Manhattan still? -I’m in Manhattan. We’re holed up in our apartment
here in New York City. And so far, so good. We’re doing what
we’re supposed to do. -How are the girls?
-They’re doing pretty well. They didn’t like
going outside anyway, so… -This is kind of
perfect for them. -We’re dragging them outside,
and they’re like, “Or… stay in here and play
all the screens that we want?” I’m like, “Fair enough.” -Your kids are pretty creative
from what I know. I heard that they were —
They thought of an interesting way
to have dinner at your house? -Yes, this was awesome, and
I wanted to tell you about it because I feel like
it’s something you can do — anyone can do at home
if they’re trying to fill time. My older daughter, Alice,
is 14 now, and she saw this idea online, so thank you to whoever put
this idea online originally. But she was saying, like,
we should do theme dinners. And we did one the other night, and it was
an airplane-themed dinner. And the thing
that was great about it was it took a lot of time,
right, for them to get ready. Also, I don’t know
if your girls are this way, but Alice was actually kind of
helping her little sister get ready for it, and the
little sister is just, like, so pumper when her big sister
pays attention to her at all. -Oh, yeah.
-She was just, like, pumped. And they dressed up like — Penelope dressed up
like a stewardess. Here. Let me find these
pictures. I’ll show them to you. It was really cute. Um… -That is hilarious. -She dressed up
like a stewardess. They did the whole like — I don’t know
if you can hear this. Like, a whole safety, uh… -…your chair.
If you lose air… -So cute. -…the air masks will fall
from the cabin above. -The whole safety thing.
[ Laughs ] -Oh, my gosh! -They turned all the chairs. They were like —
I’m getting a text. There were magazines
in the back of the chairs. -[ Laughs ] That is brilliant!
-They had — We had dinner. They — They served it on, like, big old trays,
which was good. My husband made — We had — well, we had macaroni
and cheese and spam, but it was on the trays.
-[ Laughs ] -And then also they were —
Because they were treating us like a really nice flight,
they were like, “Would you like
a glass of wine?” And we were like, “Yes.” And the great thing was,
afterwards, they were like, “We didn’t know
how much wine was too much.” And I was like, “Yeah, you
didn’t, ’cause this was…” -Yeah! That’s what
I’m talking about! -An ample first-class pour. -I want them at my dinner party. -She put an airplane window
on our TV, and I wore a sleep mask, and for the next 18 months,
that’s me. -[ Laughs ] -That’s Quaran-Tina. -[ Laughs ]
-Ooh, that’s pretty good. -Oh, also, by the way,
the last thing I’ll say about airplane dinner —
the other reason to do it is once your seat belts
are on and everything’s done, the dinner part is everyone
sitting quietly. If you have enough phones, everyone watching a movie
on their own device. -Genius. -It will be the quietest dinner. [ Laughter ] -It is absolutely genius.
-It’s great. Thank you to the Internet
for that. Yeah, the other thing that
we did, which was super fun — we did a thing — We did an online talent show
with my — our kids, a bunch of us,
over this very technology. We used Zoom, and so if you
have a Zoom work account, you should definitely abuse it
and use it for other things. So it was, like, my ladies,
Maya Rudolph’s kids, Amy Poehler, Emily Spivey,
Ana Gasteyer’s kids, and we — Again, another thing
that was nice about it was it took about a week. We were sort of like,
“Guys, probably this weekend, probably there’s a talent show, so you need to think about
what you’re going to do.” So there’d be times where
I would be screaming, like, “Get off of your screens! Go
practice for the talent show.” And it would kind of work. -Wow.
-So everyone really brought it, and then the other thing
that was super cute was we realized kind of like
in the half hour before that we could probably
get links to all — as many as we could
of the grandparents. And so right when
we went to do it, it was like —
My mom was able to get on. Amy’s parents. Emily Spivey’s parents
in North Carolina. And it was so cute. Shoemaker watched it from…
-No way! -“I’ll watch it.
I have nothing to do.” Friends of mine in Florida. And so everyone —
It was so sweet to see everyone, like, come together on the Zoom. And Archie Arnett —
Amy’s son Archie was the host. He did an awesome job. Rome Spivey did —
He did a sketch that was an old Emily Spivey
cut-for-time sketch about, like, an ad
for a barbecue place, and it was like, “Come
on down to our barbecue.” And he committed.
It was so cute. Ulysses McKittrick
did close-up magic. -No way.
-Penelope did — Penelope is using this time
to practice contortionism ’cause she’s —
‘Cause why wouldn’t she? Why wouldn’t she find a way to
make us nervous the whole time? So she does some, like — [ Laughter ] And the first 27 minutes — I recorded the whole thing. The first 27 minutes
of the one-hour thing is just old people not understanding
when they’re muted. -[ Laughs ] -It’s, like, Emily Spivey’s dad
being like, “Oh, I don’t know.
I think they started.” And then it’s like —
-“Are we on yet? Are we on yet?” -Mr. Poehler just like… It was the best,
and if anyone — If you have the capability
to do it, it was super fun. -Oh, that’s great. I think we have a little clip we can just show
right here real quick. -This is the end of Penelope
doing her — She did some contortion to “These Boots
Are Made for Walkin’.” The audio wasn’t terrific, but you can kind of
get a feel for the vibe of the FOTS,
the First Online Talent Show. ♪♪ -Bravo! [ Applause ] -Wonderful!
-Good job. [ Indistinct shouting ] -Yay. That was fantastic. Tell Penelope I said
she is awesome. She’s very talented.
Please tell her. I know with this whole
COVID-19 quarantine shutdown, Broadway has been shut down, and your show, “Mean Girls,”
is currently off. How is everyone doing
and dealing over there? -Yes. I mean, that was hard. That’s a whole huge industry.
It’s a huge part of New York. It’s a workplace
for so many people. I’ve been trying to do stuff
to help raise money for the actors fund in addition to the City Harvest stuff
we’re going to talk about today. But it’s rough because it’s —
it’s a lot of people. It’s a giant industry. But we are just all
kind of sticking together. Also our tour,–
“Mean Girls” was out on tour, and that is paused, and we look forward to,
when it’s safe to do so, hopefully adding those cities
back that we missed. But, yeah,
we had a meeting yesterday. It’s a very close-knit
community, and we just want to come out
the other side stronger. And when it’s safe to come back, we will be there,
and we will welcome you back. I hope there’s some kind of
like “I love New York” campaign, like the ’70s.
-Ohh. -We need that
when it’s safe to do so. We’ll be here and ready to… -♪ I love New York ♪ -Frank Langella
dressed like Dracula. -That’s right!
-But, you know, our “Mean Girls” Broadway,
our social channel, we’re trying
to give people content and let them check in
if they’re fans of the show. There’s always stuff
to see there. -Well, whatever we can do
to support when you come back, we will, please. -Put you in the
“I love New York” commercial. -Yeah. Exactly.
I would totally… Let’s talk about
CityHarvest.org. This is —
-Thank you. -Winnie does all these graphics. -Good work, Winnie. -Yeah. They’re getting smaller
and kind of less creative. -She’s getting tired of it?
-Yeah, she doesn’t want to work. She doesn’t like her new job.
I’m like, “Come on. Help me out a little bit,
please? Geez.” City Harvest. They’re fantastic. You’ve done stuff with them
before, haven’t you? -Yeah, I mean, I’ve just been
a donor with them before. And they’re a really
well-established charity here in New York City. I figured this problem
is so big, sometimes it feels good
to think locally. And I encourage people
to do so around the country to support organizations
near them, too. But, you know, New York City is
the epicenter of this right now. It looks calm
when you and I talk. It’s calm to see people
in their homes who are well. But there are so many people
who are in hospitals right now. There are so many people
who are toughing it out at home who are super-sick, who ordinarily would go to the
hospital, who can’t right now. And City Harvest is a charity
that gets food, healthy food to at-risk neighborhoods
and places where they don’t have great ways
to get nutritious food. And they’re currently
up and running. Their mobile markets are going. They’re still able
to be helping out. And so I think, also,
not just right now, but whenever this settles down, the economic repercussions
of this are going to be major, and there’s going to be
a lot of people, a lot of kids who count on their school meals
who are now homeschooled. There’s going to be a lot
of people who are in need of their services,
and I really encourage — I thank you for inviting me
to talk about it, and I encourage people
to donate. -These people are angels
that are helping everyone out. And right now,
if anyone’s watching on YouTube, there’s a “donate” button
next to it. So just click that button,
and you’ll donate. Anything matters. Everything. Just give a dollar.
Give 50 cents. It’s — I can’t even stress
how awesome that is that we can just do that,
and it will feed so many people. You have no idea. So thank you.
This is a great charity. Thank you so much
for doing this. I really appreciate it. And on behalf of everyone
watching the show, they all appreciate it, too,
so thank you. While we’re all quarantined
and cooped up at home. I’d like to play a game
based on a board game that you can actually play
called — Uh-oh. -Probably — I told you
there’s a Japanese water ghost in my house. -What is going —
-My house is pretty haunted, and just sometimes — Sometimes a specter — You can’t even quite —
Oh, there — Oh, gosh! -Wow! -Oh, gosh.
-Oh, my gosh. That’s freaky! -Help me!
-Hey! I don’t see anything, Tina.
I think you’re just — -Do you want to show…? -[ Laughs ] -Aww. Hi, cutie. That was a good — [ Laughs ]
That was a good bit. -She has a history
of being creepy around you. -She does, but all funny stuff
and creative stuff. -She came…one time,
and she drew, like, really creepy, scary pictures
and left them. Um… -It was, like, dead birds
and stuff, right? -She’s — It’s fine.
She’s a Wednesday Addams. -I love her. Oh, dude. Winnie’s
obsessed with Wednesday. All right. So, we’re
going to play this game. It’s something I saw on the
Internet, but it’s a board game. It’s called “Hey Robot,”
and what it is, is I have a bunch
of random words in a jar. And I’m going to pick one out, and then you have to ask Alexa,
which is right here, or whatever speaker
you have in your house — You have to say something to get
the robot to guess the word. You can’t say the word,
but you understand the idea. It’s like “Taboo” and all that.
-“Password” and all that. -Yeah.
-I have such a wimpy voice that sometimes
even in my own house, the Alexa ignores me,
so I’ll do my best. Sometimes I’ll be like,
“Alexa, set a timer.” And she’s just like… Like, “Alexa!” -[ Laughs ]
Slap it. Clapping. “Hey, Alexa! I asked you!”
All right. Ready? Here’s your first word. -Okay, so, the funny thing is I have to take my glasses off
to see better. -Oh, I’m getting there, too.
All right. -Oh, gosh.
-It is “pickle.” -Okay. Oh, gosh. -Let me know when you’re ready,
and I’ll press the Alexa button. -Um… Oh — Uh — Sure.
I mean, press it whenever. -All right. Here we go. Ready?
-Okay. [ Beep ] -Alexa, what’s a recipe for salted, marinated cucumbers? [ Beep ] -Okay.
For salted marinated cucumbers, I recommend marinated cucumber,
onion, and tomato salad. 2 hours, 15 minutes to make.
What would you like? Start recipe,
send it to your phone, or hear next recipe. -Oh. It’s your turn. All right. -Alexa, stop.
All right. Here we go. I’m going to — Oh, I know. Alexa, what does Vlasic make? [ Beep ] -Here’s something
I found on the Web. According to wikipedia.org,
Vlasic pickles is an… -Yeah! That counts! [ Laughs ] All right. Alexa, stop.
All right. Here we go.
Now let’s try another one here. [ Beep ] Uh-oh. “Saxophone.” -Okay. Ready?
-Yep. -Alexa. Alexa. What instrument
does Bill Clinton play? [ Beep ] See? They can never hear me. -She couldn’t hear you. -No, it’s my weird ghost voice! -That’s weird. [ Laughs ] -Am I not real?
Have I never been — Am I —
Have I always been the…? Okay.
-Try it again. Ready? Here we go. -Alexa, what instrument
does Bill Clinton play? [ Beep ]
First thing out of the gate! That is the best one yet! Crusher. Yes. All right.
-Thanks for your feedback. -All right. Cool. Very polite. All right. That was killer. Oh, my God.
That was the first — That was the first word
she said. You probably get bonus points
for that. I’ll give it to you.
-Okay. -Okay. Here’s my word.
Oh, man. Unicorn. Gosh. I have no idea. Um, um, unicorn. Unicorn. Um, oh, God. I’m going to
come off as an idiot here. Um… Alexa, what do you call
a horse with a horn? -According to an Amazon
customer, unicorn. -Yes!
I love Amazon customers! “According to an Amazon
customer, a unicorn.” -Think about that. They searched all of Amazon’s
customer comments that fast? -Wow. That is bizarre.
All right. Here we go. Your word is…
-Mm-hmm. Okay. -…”cowboy.” -Hmm. That’s — Okay. Uh… What is — Alexa,
what is the name of the job — -Alexa is me. I’m a virtual assistant who can
help you with lots of things. …alarms, weather reports… -Alexa. Alexa, stop. Stop.
-Alexa. -Oh, my God. Change your voice.
Maybe British accent, maybe? -[ British accent]
Alexa, what kind of doll is Woody from “Toy Story”? -[ British accent]
Alexa, what kind of doll is Woody from “Toy Story”? -Here’s something
I found on the Web. According to
OrlandoSentinel.com, Andy’s favorite is Woody,
an old-fashioned cowboy doll. -Yes!
-…toys. -For the win. Tina Fey.
That was worth 10,000 points. You are the champ
of “Ask Robot.” I love you, bud. Oh, my gosh. [ “Don’t Fear the Reaper”
playing ] It’s playing music.
This is crazy. -“Don’t Fear the Reaper.”
-[ Laughs ] Oh, my gosh! This is weird, right?
All right. Hey, pal, I’ll talk to you — I’ll talk to you
later this week or something. Thank you so much.
I appreciate it. Bye, buddy.
-Bye, pal. -Chef José Andrés is
nothing short of an angel. I love this guy
and what he’s doing. I got to talk to him today
in his kitchen. Please watch. Oh, that’s what
I’m talking about. Chef, my chef. Oh! That’s what
I’m talking about! -Jimmy Fallon.
-You look fantastic, buddy. I love ya. José Andrés.
-Jimmy Fallon. -You look great, buddy.
Oh, my gosh. Look — no, no, no, no,
no, no. It looks beautiful. -…my hair in San Francisco
in honor of all the nurses and doctors
that they are fighting this war. Look at it.
-Wow. I think it looks cool, buddy.
I think it looks great. Hey, I said —
last time I saw you, I said I won’t talk to you again until you’re on the cover
of “Time” magazine. And here we are. Come on, look at you. Cover boy.
-Yeah, I’m — I’m very humbled by it,
but it’s kind of — World Central Kitchen
is not about I the person, and you know it.
-I know. -The kitchen is about thousands
of women and men, right now in more than ten
different missions across the world, that they only have
one thing in their head, to feed anybody that is
hungry after an emergency. So that cover is
little bit unfair because it’s not
really about José. It’s about those men and women that are making it happen
every single day. So for me to them,
that’s their cover. -Absolutely.
World — worldcentralkitchen.org
is the website just so everybody
can see that. My daughter draws these up. -Wow.
-That’s not my handwriting. Yeah, she’s getting really good. -Are you paying her?
-[ Laughs ] She’s underpaid right now,
yeah. No, I’m not.
I should. I don’t want her to hear that. But what are you
making right there? -Well, I have my favorite things
in the whole world. We’re making a fried rice. -Oh, I love fried rice. -And this is a fried rice
almost in the honor of the men and women of China that they’ve been going through
this crazy mayhem with the coronavirus. And I know that people in China
are going to be upset that this
is not the real fried rice, but it’s my fried rice,
so I ask for forgiveness. [ Laughter ] And I think it’s a lot
of families right now that they’re going through
some uncertainty. Many, many people
are losing their jobs. And there’s going to be
hard times. But I think out
of the hard times we should be taking
the best out of them. And I think this is a moment
to be saying, “Man, if I have to be home and
I have to cook for the family, what I can do?” And this is all the vegetables
that you can think of. They’re super inexpensive. Carrots. You can be using canned corn. You can be using chickpeas
and green beans. -Hey, speaking of chickpeas —
-You chop it, and then you make a fried rice. -And just put — just
throw it in with a little oil? -Look at it.
A little bit of oil. I have ginger. But if you don’t have ginger
because it’s very fancy, put garlic. It’s okay.
You know, recipes are for you to do
whatever you want with them. Don’t follow the recipe. You need to write
your own recipe for success. So if you have ginger, put it.
If not, garlic. If you don’t have ginger
or garlic, you know what? You don’t put it. And then you begin adding
any vegetable you want. Hey, are you going to
help me or what? -Yes.
-Look, my daughter Carlota, Jimmy.
-Hello. -Hi, buddy.
Nice to see you again. -You too.
-My daughter, Lucia. -Hi.
-Oh, come on. -The vegetables.
Start adding and start moving. -You have the best two chefs. -You have a lot of —
and you start cooking. Can you smell it in your house? -Yes, I’m smelling it
already through this. I cannot see it. And you keep adding vegetables.
Hominy. I’m not going to give you
a recipe. If you like vegetables a lot,
put a lot. If not, put less. I can do something now,
you see? You can add some chickpeas
because cans are good… -Yes. -…when you’re at home
for long periods. -I have a lot of chickpeas
at my house. -Some corn.
Why? Because canned
vegetables are good. -They are.
-I’m French, but if you don’t have —
canned vegetables are excellent. Actually, they need love. They feel sometimes like
we’re shaming them. [ Laughter ] Vegetables in a can,
they have feelings too. -Oh, my gosh.
-Look at how beautiful they are. -Oh, my gosh, you guys.
-Look at this great — -You guys, you can get
your dad out of there. -They have feelings. The poor chickpea.
-Oh, my gosh. -They always say,
“Why people think like we’re not good people?
We’re good people.” -How do you live with this guy? How do you live with this guy
in your house? -I don’t know.
-I don’t know. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my gosh.
-Take a look. I know this is
an expensive machine and not everybody has it, but this is a machine
that makes rice. And when it’s ready,
it’s going to sing. -Really?
-I love — When I come home, I put the rice machine
up and running. It’s back there. And then when the rice is done,
it plays a song. -Really? [ Vocalizes “Twinkle,
Twinkle, Little Star” ] -No. But it plays a song. Look, it’s about to happen.
It’s one minute away. -One minute away.
All right. Do you have a tip
for making rice, by the way? Is it like — do you put your — how do you measure
rice with water? -I use that one because I like to make Japanese rice
and it’s more sophisticated. But between you and me,
you only need a pot. Listen!
[ Music chiming ] -It’s not loud enough.
-Doesn’t matter. You cannot hear it,
but I love it. It’s like —
-I’m dancing. I’m dancing.
I love it. I’m happy. -The rice is ready. -Oh, my gosh.
-Look at it. -Come on. -And then we put
the rice inside. -Look at this.
-Okay? So a little bit more.
A little bit more. Now sautee.
Look at it. -Oh, my gosh. Guys, get out of the way.
Get out of the way. There’s more fire.
Oh, my gosh. -Move, move, move.
-Ah! -Keep away.
-[ Laughs ] Oh, my — You’re going to
light the house on fire. -And then some soy sauce.
Why? Because soy sauce
is good for you. It gives flavor.
It gives salt. And then if you have some
leftover chicken, you add it. If you have some leftover
chorizo, you add it. If not, you don’t
add anything else. By the way,
I have a question for him. What is your favorite
kitchen gadget? -Oh, I brought it. I think it’s pretty interesting
but let me show it to you and see —
do you see this? -[ Laughs ] -Keep your daughter —
see this thing? -Is this to change
your lightbulbs? [ Laughter ] -What do you guys think it is?
-Is that a whisk? -That’s a whisker
for egg whites. -It kind of is. But, no,
you’re going to freak out. This is amazing.
So my father-in-law would find these things
in antique stores and refurbish them
and refinish them. This thing right here
is a hand mixer. Check this out. This is before electricity,
okay? So you see the grooves there?
Watch this. You take a bowl.
You push. -Oh!
-Oh! [ Hums fanfare ]
♪ Bum, bum, bum… ♪ -Isn’t that cool? -Fun.
-Isn’t that fun? -That’s so cool! -You can make egg whites
with it, whipped cream probably.
-Yep. -Or you can do anything else. -Yeah, that’s — I just
thought it was so rad. I didn’t know what it was,
but it does that. -You can do my…
-No electricity. …with it, probably.
-No electricity. And I can — yeah,
I can twirl my hair with it too. [ Laughter ]
-And that’s good for mustache. I’m sure you can play music. We know you like music.
-Oh, you know that. We’ve jammed out
a couple times. -You know what
my daughters and I — we’ve have been doing
at home some nights when I come back
from working around the city? -What? -We’ve been doing recipes at the rhythm of “Hamilton.” So we put the “Hamilton”
with permission of Lin-Manuel Miranda,
and then we start cooking, and we have to cook
in the same length as the song. -Oh, that’s a brilliant idea.
I was going to ask you if we can get into a little bit
about World Central Kitchen just so we can talk about it. What are you guys up
to right now? I know that you’re
feeding people quarantined on cruise ships. You’re feeding kids
school lunches. You donated N95 masks
to hospital workers. -We’ve been doing projects
on our own. We are in many cities,
many states. In others, we’re partnering. In others, we’re giving ideas to
very good people, men and women that they are
feeding food banks. They’re doing an amazing work. The school districts
all across America, they’re doing an amazing work
keeping children fed. The best of America
shows up in these times. And food, we are here only to be
supporting the men and women that they’re fighting this war
in the hospitals of America. Those men and women,
they need all of our support. So if I ask the cooks,
we can make sure that anybody hungry can have a bite of food
and that’s going to be a part of the solution,
not part of the problem. That’s what the food people
of America, we are here to do so that men and women —
-[ Indistinct talking ] The men and women
of World Central Kitchen — Oh, oh! Oh! The [indistinct] are
popping up all around the house. So the men and women
of World Central Kitchen, we’re here to support. If you go to wck.org, there you are going to see
what we are doing, the maps where we are cooking, and where other people
are doing. So to all the food people
of America, the woman that is working
in the supermarket eight hours a day making sure
that your family is fed, that woman is also a hero. The men and women that they are
bringing the food to the supermarkets from
different parts of America, those are heroes. It’s many people that we are
going to be playing our role to make sure that America
is taken care of while we are asking America
to stay home. To those men and women
beyond our nurses and doctors, we know they’re heroes. That adds to our part
of supporting their efforts. A big kiss to you.
Big thumb-up because you are amazing people
and we love you, and when this passes,
we’re going to make sure that every man in woman
in America is recognized for their
service to this country. -I totally agree with you.
I love that. How can people at home help? -Listen, there’s many ways we
can be helping and you know it. Obviously wck.org. You know, we are feeding
from children to elderly. If you want to support us,
it’s great. But sometimes if you cannot
because times are getting hard, there’s many ways
you can be supporting. If your mayor, if your senators
and congressmen, if your governor is telling you
to stay home, stay home. This is a great way to be
helping our nurses and our doctors
to fight this virus. We want to make sure
that the hospitals are not full of people. If they’re telling you
to follow — to wash your hands 20,
30 seconds, do it because this way
you’re not spreading the virus. It’s not a joke.
This is serious times. Follow the rules.
Follow the people that know. Follow Dr. Fauci, who is an amazing hero
in these times. -Isn’t he great?
-That’s what we need to do. Listen to him.
Don’t listen to anybody else. Dr. Fauci is the leader
we need. He’s the leader we want. And we need to follow
what he’s telling us. We need to follow those people
that are telling us this is a problem
but if we do what we have to do, this problem is
going to go away. So that’s what people
can be doing at home. Sometimes
just following the rules. -Chef, what can we do? You know, I love my restaurants
and I love my chefs. I love my servers. I want to support them
in any way I possibly can. I feel so bad that, you know, but I understand you can’t
go out to dinner there. But what can I do?
What can we do? -We talking there’s
millions and millions of food service professionals — cooks, waiters, farmers,
delivery guys. And I believe that
in these hard times we all need to recognize,
obviously, if you have — if you can be supporting
your local restaurant, many restaurants,
they have employee funds that they are
collecting money from guests. Me, I was able to be very lucky
with my partners, but I understand not
every restaurant can do that because restaurants, they have
sometimes very short profits. I’ve been able to offer
four weeks, full benefits, and full salary
to every single front and back of the house,
every single member. And if I can, I’m going to do
two more weeks at least. But other people cannot. So we need to make sure that as
Congress is passing these bills, it’s going to be other bills. And we need to make sure that
we are protecting the people, the small businesses beyond
we protect anybody else. -Yeah.
-‘Cause restaurant industry, 90-plus percent of the dollar you pay to a restaurant trickles
down across America. -Every single thing you do
from Instagram, from whatever, even hanging out
and meeting your family, your awesome family, you just
keep spreading that energy and that love and that spirit
because it comes through. And we need it right now.
And we need you. And you’re the greatest.
I love you. Thank you so much
for doing my show, buddy. The best. -Feed America. We need to remember that
because there’s many that are working
right now on the farms, and they are not recognized
by our system. They’re undocumented and those
are many of the men and women who are going to keep
putting food on our tables. When all this is over,
I hope Congress will recognize that once and for all and make sure
that we pass immigration reform because these are the men
and women that are going to be
feeding America during these next few weeks. Let’s make that happen. -We love you, Chef.
Thank you so much. Thank you again.
I’ll talk to you soon. Thank you.
-Good night. ♪♪ -Thank you guys so much
for watching the show. cityharvest.org. wck.org. My thanks to Tina Fey
and Chef José Andrés. Really, thank you guys
for watching this whole week. This is what the week
has felt like. Exactly — this exact thing. Okay.
Stay safe. Take care of each other. Wash your hands.
Don’t touch your face. I’ll see next week
with all new shows. I love you guys.
Thank you so much. Oh, my gosh. -Save yourself.
-You can’t go with me. Bye! ♪♪
Hey everyone. This week we’re introducing
something new that we haven’t really tried before. We asked Hector to go smurf like always,
but this time we asked him to provide educational commentary as he plays the game.
We’ve uploaded his full commentary smurf games exclusively to our website and will be continuing
to upload a bunch of them on a weekly basis. Hector’s also promised not to leave his desk
and respond to the questions you may have on these commentary releases for the first
7 days upon their release, so be sure to check us out after this video.
So, why have we done this? Well, there’s definitely a difference between analysis made after the
fact, and how someone *actually* thinks when they’re playing the game. Both types of analysis
are useful, but it may surprise you just how simple the decisions a Challenger player makes
can be. We’ll be asking a lot of questions this time around, so see if you can think
just like Hector does when he’s smurfing. Let’s hop right into the start of this game.
The match up Hector will be playing is Ashe and Thresh vs a Lucian/Blitzcrank lane. As
the lane begins, what do you think Hector’s game plan will be for this bot lane match
up? Let’s see what he had to think
this is uhh…obviously new content. I’ll outline exactly when I want you to cut my
voice off, so there’s no confusion. otherwise, just mute my voice unless it’s a blue node
Okay, that’s a very easy to follow game plan based off simple logic. There isn’t a whole
lot of thought process behind this. Having wave advantage lets your support land hooks
Not only that, but even if your support misses a hook here and there, your opponent will
be unable to punish. They can’t threaten skill shots through the big wave you’ll have to
protect you, if you have the shove lead. This same logic can be applied to any support
match up where both champions have a skill shot. If you deny the enemy support the chance
of ever landing their skill shot, while at the same time opening up your own support
to do so, it’s obviously a win win and the lane will go much smoother.
That’s what happened this game. Hector and his Thresh were able to consistently get good
trades, until eventually they scored a solid, if somewhat sloppy, double kill.
Since there’s no real game play theme to this video, let’s just skip ahead to a much later
part of the game. Hector managed to snowball pretty hard, so let’s hear the logic behind
his current actions. “so we keep pushing here. we see 4 of them
on the map ” Okay, once again that’s sound, simple logic.
Reacting to the enemy team’s plays around the map would be incorrect. He’d get there
too late. It’s much better to cross-map and look for an advantage elsewhere. The real
question for this section will be what Hector’s action will be after he takes this inhibitor
tower. What do you think he’ll do, and you’ll get bonus points if you tell us *why* he’ll
do it. Alright, let’s see what happens and what he
thinks about it. “this is a free inhibitor, now I will say
I don’t think taking this inhibitor is correct, but I think my team’s mental would go boom,
if I didn’t, because they don’t understand why this is potentially wrong”
Okay, that’s a bit weird. Making a call he thinks is incorrect to spare his team from
tilting. Let’s break this down. First, let’s discuss why taking an inhibitor so early is
usually not ideal. The problem with taking very early inhibitors
is that they’re only useful, if you can make use of the pressure generated from the super
minions. With the inhibitor down, you’ll always have a man advantage for everything you attempt
to do, since someone on the enemy team will obviously be stuck clearing the super creep
waves. The problem is that having a man advantage
this early into the game is not always that useful. Trying to do Baron at 20 minutes,
even with a 5v4 advantage is usually suicide. And it’s not like you can just randomly push
or dive mid lane towers. Towers will still be relatively powerful at that stage of the
game, so it’s difficult to get any meaningful advantages by grouping near a tower. Especially,
if the enemy team has reliable wave clear. Therefore, if you take too early of an inhibitor,
most of the time you’re just funneling farm into someone on the enemy team. This can be
quite problematic when it’s a hyper-scaling champion, such as Jax for example.
To illustrate just how bad it is to take early inhibitors, let’s take a look at an extreme
example from recent competitive history. At the 2019 MSI semi-finals, G2 *willingly* let
their inhibitor die to minions against the best team in League of Legends history. If
professional players think other professional players can’t use the early inhibitor pressure,
then you most definitely don’t want to rely on your random gold and platinum teammates
to use the pressure efficiently. Okay, so if it wasn’t a good idea, then why’d
he do it anyways? Just as he said, he doesn’t want to give his
team any reason to tilt. If he’d left that inhibitor alive, who knows what someone may
have said or what it could lead to. Any time you can afford to do something that boosts
team morale, you may as well do it. But only do so, if you’re sure you can win
anyways. Luckily for Hector, he’s obviously a smurf. He took that inhibitor because any
advantage he gives the enemy team won’t matter in the long run.
Alright, let’s take a look at a couple of examples from another game Hector played.
In this game Hector has already accrued a pretty large lead, so his team plays around
him setting up a solid dive. At the end of it, he places a pink ward in the lane bush
and walks back to hit the tower with his team. After a bit of pushing, we arrive at the point
where he makes another interesting decision. It’s very clear that he has plenty of time
to kill this tower and get first tower gold, especially since we see no one coming any
time soon thanks to that earlier pink. Instead, he just backs off without taking
the free 600 plus gold. Why do you think he did this? There’s 2 reasons this time, so
think hard. Let’s listen to what he thought about it.
“I think I lose a lot of tempo by doing that…..back out on the map to prevent this dragon, right?”
His foresight instantly pays off, as he’s here in time to cut off Lux’s rotation to
dragon securing a free kill, as well as ensuring that his team gets the objective easily.
Now of course this decision was based off the fact that he didn’t need the turret gold
and the dragon was up. Let’s imagine some different scenarios. Imagine you’re playing
Lucian, and you need 600 gold to finish Blade of the Ruined King. In that case, you *would*
stay to finish the tower and just relay that information to your team in hopes that they’ll
be patient. Huge power spikes like that are too important,
and securing the necessary gold before you base would be the correct call.
Now, let’s imagine there wasn’t a dragon up. This means there’s no rush to get back out
on the map. You may as well take the free 600 or so gold This opens you up to potentially
rotating top after recalling, since you don’t have to go back bottom anymore.
Alright, let’s take a look at another macro decision Hector makes shortly after this dragon/tower
situation. “I would ideally like to go top lane……and
I don’t want to share farm” Again, pretty simple right? This is something
we’re constantly bringing up about not going to lanes that are already being farmed. With
that line of thinking in mind, what do you think is the most pressing issue on Hector’s
mind at the moment? “I will just pressure mid and hope Ahri goes
bottom. If Ahri comes mid, I will go bottom” Okay. He’s not even remotely thinking about
the enemy team, but is instead focusing on what his own teammates may do.
ADC is a unique role in that way. After a certain point, you and your support should
be taking over mid, but people really love to ARAM for some reason, which usually results
in you sharing farm. You need to be hyper aware of not only the
enemy team’s movements, but your own team’s as well. In case they come to group at a bad
time, you should be looking for other sources of farm you can rotate to, just in case. In
this scenario, Lux had pushed in a wave bottom that Ahri should ideally be catching, so she
can pressure the side lane. But in low elo that often times won’t be the case. It’ll
be up to you to react to your own teammate’s bad macro, and rotate appropriately.
Alright, that’s going to be it for this guide. We’ve uploaded the Kai’sa game for you to
watch, if you want. Remember to leave absolutely any feedback on that, and we’ll see ya next
Hey everyone I’m Ola
and today, and for the whole April, we are going to play My Cafe: Recipes & Stories. In this video I want to give you all the news about what’s going to wait
for us in April in the game so let’s go So the first thing that is going to wait
for us is the midweek festival. The thing is that we have decided to hold two
additional midweek festivals on March 31 till April 2 and April 7 till April 9.
Both of these festivals will not move you in the league,s but the rewards for
these festivals, as well as tasks, will not be different from the weekend’s
festivals. We have decided to give you those festivals because they will allow
you to earn additional gems for fulfilling new tasks and to have fun in
the midweek. Besides, as you know from my previous video about update 2020.4
announcement, we are starting a new season on April 3 till April 20, and the
additional Festival on April 7 till April 9 will allow you to earn additional
trophies. This can bring you to the new levels of the seasonal item, and you
will be able to get more gems per day til the end of the season. We will still
have a regular weekend festival on April 3 – April 6. This is going to stay
unchanged. You will still be able to move up and down in the leagues, you will be
able to get trophies and gems, and to compete with your rivals in the regatta. This is not it, and we have also decided to give you at Elite membership or Gold
gifts for free. Yes, this means that all Township members are going to become
elite residents for 14 days on April 1 till April 15 Elite members who have already purchased the status and it is not in a trial period,
will get a gold gift on April 3 and/or April 10. If your paid status is active on those
dates, and if your Elite membership covers both dates you’re going to get two gold
gifts. You can read the details on our support site. Read about how to make
it in the description as well. I have also told you about the new bunny
game, and the new purple gifts, and the new dice in the bunny game in my
previous video about the update, and actually the first new game with the
bunny will start on April 4 at 12 p.m.UTC just as usual. Just the conditions of
the game will be a little bit different I will give you a separate video about
how you can play the new bunny game during the week so please stay tuned and
subscribe to my channel. Definitely click the bell so as not to miss the new video
about the bunny game, I hope you will enjoy it. I already read some of your
comments about the purple gifts and the dice, and different ways of how you can get them. Yes, definitely you will be able to get those dice not only from purchasing those gifts, and we will give more details about it during the week. We
have also promised to hold the festivals marathon and we are going to do this in
Update 2020.4 in April so the days for the marathon are going
to be April 10 till April 27, it means that you are going to have five
festivals during those dates: three festivals during the weekends just as
usual, and two festivals in the weekdays And by the results of those five
festivals both townships, and separate Township members will be able to get
additional rewards. I will also provide you all the details about the festival’s
marathon next week. I’m going to tell you more about the prizes, and the conditions,
so stay tuned for that as well. So, as you see right here,
April is really going to be hot in my cafe. Definitely we’re all waiting for the
newest update, and you can read more about it in our social media, so stay
online, stay safe, and stay with My Cafe! Thank you!
Today we are playing king of the table The winner stays on, first to 11 points wins And there’s a special rule if you win 3 points in a row Lets go! Two same colors start You start What happened there Are you okay I could say that’s there’s not enough room here Are you sure you don’t want to come on this side I think I’m good thanks I need to get my first point That’s how you do it! Where did that come from
Should never play to Otto’s backhand No my own spin That was my third in a row Special rule! Only forehand because your backhand is so overpowered You saw that footwork? Yeah when Otto has to do footwork he can do footwork Well that was my sixth in a row Should there be another special rule? Yeah double special rule! Right hand and only forehand There’s no chance I’m gonna wint this point I had to go for it Pardon Two times in a row Don’t give me there It feels like I’ve said that before Don’t give me there Don’t give me there That’s the biggest
mistake you can make This is unbelievable! There’s nothing you can do! Not even with the sorry point Now that I deserve
I deserve that one What was that block? Match point! Another match point I also needed one You deserve that Emil Probably yeah! So today the king of the table was the Sensei Congratulations!
Thanks! Anyway remember to subsribe here
and watch our previous videos there Until next time!
Are we on? Are we live? Okay. Hi I’m Kyle, coming to you live from my couch, and I make games for NASA at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. I really want to show you our latest game, DSN Uplink-Downlink,
so let’s get into it. But before we get into this stuff, we need to know what is
the DSN, or the Deep Space Network. So the DSN is how NASA talks to faraway
spacecraft. The Deep Space Network has three big antenna complexes evenly
spaced around the world, so there’s one in California, one in Spain and one in
Australia. So that means as the world turns at least one of these antenna
complexes can always contact spacecraft no matter where they are in the sky
above Earth. Now that you’re an expert on the DSN, let’s control some antennas and
uplink some data and receive some data. So you want to control the antennas with
the arrow keys on your keyboard, or A and D if you’re a gamer, and then to uplink
data to the spacecraft you hold the spacebar. Once the spacecraft receive
your uplink data, they’ll downlink their data, and then you just keep going as fast as you can until all the spacecraft have downlinked 100% of their data. Okay how’d we do? Okay, okay maybe that’s a good time. Let’s see how other people are doing.
ok that’s not how it works alright looks better sensationell new Demo this is “chief style” *what* this here here’s a restraining bar look at this I now do 7 training runs and 2 qualifying runs hello hello hello fog here we go the number 1 world champion yes awesome Dude you’re such a fool Pretty tricky without a trackwalk Fabio, next time we do a trackwalk No Welcome in Windischgarsten for the austrian downhill champs It’s gonna be awesome. New bike too the new Specialized Demo Sworks Pretty sick bike, there’ll probably be a bike check on my YouTube too but now let’s ride downhill have fun with this rawisode dude, the weather sucks calm down *thank you* no problem today is going well I’ll now set a new track record thank you All the best Fabio thank you yeah sensationell Ok guys, after some problems yesterday, let’s try it again today and see how it goes that was not bad hey how is it? awesome to ride it’s too slippery for me you are way faster here do you know what the problem is Fabio? that you are so ugly no, that you are so ugly pretty close move ha!? thank you close move now last trainings run Steve aka Streckencobra is sitting in front of me play something Are you looking for trouble? I can not help it pre race preperation Ok guys, now it’s time for the final race run luckily I’m allowed to take the gopro with me I’m already a little bit nervous but yeah… all or nothing there are some fans one last time to hop out is my GoPro running? yes he risked everything, that’s how it should be that was a sick crash make some noise for Fabio Wibmer he risked it all unfortunately the reigning champ can’t defense his title ok guys, that was one of my hardest crashes so far I’m happy that I didn’t get hurt it’s definitely a bummer but as I said before, all or nothing I hope you enjoyed it and until next time. ciao
[Sonic] Huh? [Sonic] Oh, hey. What’s up? [Tails] Well, I just came to turn in my application! [Sonic] Aha, you actually did this? [Tails] Of course! Can we be friends now? [Sonic] Oh, uh, yeah. Everything looks in order. [Sonic] Sure, I don’t see why not. [Jet] (hawk noise) [Storm] I’m really disappointed, we had to- [Storm] WAH! I’M SO ANGRY! OH WHOA- (OwO?) HEY, WE’RE SLAM- HEY, SOMETHING HAPPENED! [Wave] What is happening in here? [Storm] Something happened and I’m about to tell Jet about it! [Wave] Is that my Blue? [Storm] Yes! Well, now it’s mine, ’cause you set it down. [Jet] It was mine first, I was holding it in the first scene! [Jet] That- that part was relevant. [Wave] Just because you hold it doesn’t make it yours! [Storm] Well, look, I’m really scared and- I don’t know why, [Storm] so we’re gonna have to get to the bottom of this, I think. [Storm] Don’t- fucking- I’m not distracted that easily, young kid! [Storm] I swear to God, don’t ever touch my cube once more, I will put you in the dungeon. [Wave] That’s debatable! [Wave] Hey, so what did you think of Tomorrowland? [Storm] I have no thoughts on Tomorrowland. [Jet] (angry hawk noises) [Announcer] You will be arriving in 10 minutes.
[Jet] (angry hawk noises) [Jet] FUCK! [Storm] Whoa! [Jet] You can’t NOT have thoughts on Tomorrowland! [Storm] Well, I just didn’t think it was that remarkable. What can I say? [Wave] No, I understand, but I was- ah! [Storm] No, she doesn’t understand! [Storm] My head- my hands are so big I can crush her like a sparrow’s egg! [Wave] Get your hands off my face!
[Storm] My head- my hands are so big I can crush her like a sparrow’s egg! [Storm] I will punch you- with my fists! [Eggman] So what’s going on in here? Uh-uh, [Eggman] is this the avian bird convention? [Jet] How the fuck did you get up here?! We’re like, 8 miles off the ground! [Eggman] Uh, I’ve- I’ve, y’know, I just- [Chase] HE’S SO BIG! [Eggman] I- I- I flew! I’m very tall, I am at least 7-foot-1, [Eggman] and I will step on each one of you like eggs. [Jet] Okay, well, I’d like to fuckin’ see you try. [Eggman] Well, a-huh, don’t test me. Now listen to me. [Eggman] You have something in your hands, [Eggman] and I want it. I want part of it [Eggman] …very much. [Storm] Ah! Your eyes scared me. [Eggman] (evil laughter) [Eggman] This is not a joke. I’m not joking with you anymore. [Eggman] I want- whatever part of the- whatever part that you have there, in your hands, that little cube? [Eggman] That is something that leads to Tomorrowland, [Eggman] and yesterday, and the day afterwards. [Eggman] (whispering) Now I need you to hand it to me. [Jet] It’s my GameCube, [Jet] and it will stay in Tomorrowland for as long as I need. [Eggman] I’ll take it. [Jet] Keep your goddamn hands off of it. [Jet] I mean, uh- name a price though. We’ll- We’ll talk. [Eggman] What? I’m not gonna name a price. I’m gonna overwrite your save file. [Eggman] It’s now full of Sonic. [Eggman] Your save files have all been taken up by Sonic. [Digital Sonic] Hey, guys!
[Eggman] Your save files have all been taken up by Sonic. [Eggman] Super Mario Sunshine, look at his eyes, look at his pupils. Beautiful. [Eggman] He runs, brand new Nikes. [Jet] (hawk noise)
[Eggman] He runs, brand new Nikes. [Jet] He is rather beautiful! [Jet] But y’know what’s more beautiful? My skateboard! [Jet] Wow. [Jet] (maniacal cackling) (everyone laughing) [Sonic] ♬ Livin’ in the city… ah, ah, ah… ♬ [Sonic] Whoa! [Sonic] Look at that! [Tails] We’re Jammin’ to some cool tunes! [Tails] Anybody else wanna listen to some Queen? (sound of glass smashing)
[Sonic] Whoa! [Jet] I love stealin’ shit! Great day! [Knuckles] Hey, I love stealing shit, too! [♬ “Catch Me If You Can” by Runblebee ♬] [Jet] Whee!
[♬ “Catch Me If You Can” by Runblebee ♬] [Storm] Aaahh! I don’t know how to steer this!
[Wave] Wooooo! [Jet] Nyoom, nyoom! [Cops] Please pull over. [Jet] Fuck the Cops!
[Cops] Please pull over. [Storm] Stop making “VROOM” sounds, we have to- [Jet] I’m having fun!
[Storm] Stop making “VROOM” sounds, we have to- [Sonic] Everyone stop right there! [Storm] Run him over! [Sonic] Huh? [Knuckles] Punch! Ahaha, ah! Will you be my friend? [Storm] (pained albatross noises) [Storm] Catch me! Catch me! I’m still falling! Catch me! [Tails] Huh?
[Storm] Catch me! Catch me! I’m still falling! Catch me! [Storm] Catch me! Catch me! I’m still falling! Catch me! [Wave] Ah!
[Storm] Thank you! [Knuckles] What?! [Cops] Please pull over. [Cops] You’re not driving on the right side of the road, idiots. [Sonic] Okay, I’ll show you the right side of the road! [Cops] Sir, you’re driving- that’s- that’s very stolen, you’re also not driving on the right side of the road, what the fuck?! [Sonic] Serpentine, Serpentine, left and right!
[Cops] Sir, you’re driving- that’s- that’s very stolen, you’re also not driving on the right side of the road, what the fuck?! [Cops] Sir, you’re driving- that’s- that’s very stolen, you’re also not driving on the right side of the road, what the fuck?! [Sonic] I’m comin’ for ya, bitch! I’m comin’ for ya! [Jet] (hawk noise)
[Cops] Are we doing this shit again, Sonic? [Jet] Hi-yah!
[Sonic] Hey! [Sonic] Who are you supposed to be, anyway? [Jet] (hawk noise) [Sonic] Hey! [Jet] That was an illegal left, by the way! [Penny] (laughter) [Ryan] (laughing) Shut the fuck up!
[Penny] (laughter) [Jet] (echoing) Revali’s Gale is now ready! [Sonic] Huh? WHAT?! [Sonic] Whooooaa! [Sonic] Oof! [Jet] Bye, bitch! [Wave] Bye, bitch!
[Storm] Yeah, bye, bitch! [Knuckles] Whoa! [Knuckles] That wasn’t really that fast. [Sonic] Um… I’m dead! (everyone laughing) [♬ “Sonic Speed Riders” by Runblebee ♬] ♬ I’m gonna hit you with Sonic speed ♬ ♬ Ridin’ on the waves of Super Sonic ♬ ♬ I’m gonna (6x) ♬ ♬ I’m gonna show you ♬ ♬ I’m gonna (6x) ♬ ♬ I’m gonna show you ♬ ♬ I’m gonna show you what true speed is ♬ ♬ Ridin’ on the waves of the Super Sonic ♬ ♬ I’m gonna (6x) ♬ ♬ I’m gonna show you ♬ ♬ I’m gonna (5x) ♬ ♬ Super Sonic, Super Sonic ♬ ♬ Super Sonic Speed! ♬ [Eggman] Good morning, Eggheads AND Crackheads, welcome to the new vlog! [Sonic] Hoh!
[Knuckles] I’m a crackhead! [Eggman] Well, guess what, I have a brand new product for you. It’s called the GameCube 2. [Eggman] I’m going to be releasing it soon, [Eggman] I know that you’re all jealous, especially you… [Eggman] …Shigairo Mayamo! [Knuckles] I’m Shigairo Mayamo! [Eggman] My knuckles are the size of GOD. [Eggman] Listen up! There’s gonna be something going on that I’m gonna be doing for this GameCube 2. [Eggman] A race. A special race. There’ll be something happening! [Penny] (laughter) [Eggman] GOD. [Eggman] You see this? [Eggman] This is the diamond that I am going to give [Eggman] to my brand new husband, and/or wife. [Eggman] It’ll be theirs for the rest of time, with the GameCube 2. [Eggman] So if you want- (cast laughter) [Sonic] Whoa, he’s bisexual, I didn’t know that! [Eggman] By the way, I’m bisexual! I forgot, I- forgot to announce it! How do you turn this shit off- wait- [Sonic] Hmmm! [Storm] It’s me! Hey, guys! [Wave] It’s me! [Jet] Bisexual rights! [Sonic] Whoa! Who’s that? [Sonic] He looks pretty cool! [Sonic] Wait, I saw him earlier. Oh, I remember now! (laughter) [Penny] God, that was garbage…
(laughter) (laughter) [Knuckles] Man, I can’t believe he made a commercial bespoke to me, Shigairo Maya- [Amy] Hey, everybody! Hey, Shigairo! Hey, Sonic! Hey, Tails! [Sonic] Ugh…
[Amy] Hey everyone! Wow! [Amy] Hey everyone! Wow! [Sonic] How’s it goin’? [Amy] No. I talk first. [Amy] Listen. [Amy] You guys are trying to do some shiny shit. [Amy] I want a diamond. You have to win, [Amy] the diamond, for ME! (Amy winks) [Sonic] Agh! [Tails] You gotta do it, Sonic. [Sonic] Whoa. What’s up, buddy? You look upset. [Tails] Don’t worry about it. It’s just- [Tails] I missed my Therapy appointment today, and I’m a little upset about it. [Amy] How relatable!
[Sonic] Aw, Tails, I’m sorry. [Chase and Ryan] (laughing) [Tails] It’s fine. It’s just- Um… [Tails] So, there was this thing that I saw and it was like a… [Tails] A… squid, I think? Or a… bird? [Tails] A logo, it was a logo. [Tails] I don’t- It was at the top of the waterfall? [Narrator Knuckles] Long ago, before man, there were… squid boys. [Narrator Knuckles] Squid boys worship angel. [Narrator Knuckles] Angel turn into hog man. [Narrator Knuckles] Hog man turn into bunny man. [Narrator Knuckles] Bunny man turn into squid. [Red] All of their birds in One Piece. [Chase] Only Link can defeat Ganon. [Tails] That’s the squid man! That’s him, I saw it- once in history class! [Knuckles] I was in history! [Knuckles] But only once. [Tails] Only once. And that’s all you’ll ever get. [Knuckles] Oh my God. [Knuckles] NO! [Knuckles] I MUST BE IN HISTORY AGAIN! [Knuckles] I could’ve- refuse to have only lived in
nineteen-aught-seven! [Knuckles] Who the fuck are you?! [Wave] Oh! Ya know, I just wanted to close my eyes and see where I ended up and… [Wave] Ooh, what’s this? [Wave] This a Game Boy? [Tails] It’s a- It’s a skateboard. [Wave] It doesn’t have any wheels, idiot! [Tails] Well then, it’s a hoverboard. [Tails] I invented it myself. [Wave] (Majestic Swallow Cry) [Tails] Um… okay.
[Wave] (Another Majestic Swallow Cry) [Wave] Sorry, I had to scream, uh… it’s just a thing, don’t worry about it. [Amy] What the fuck? [Sonic] Uhh… [Knuckles] No. [Wave] Eh… Sorry, I remembered a joke. [Tails] Thanks, I guess. [Wave] Later, nerds! [Tails] Bye. [Amy] What the fuck is happening? Who is that bitch? [Sonic] I feel like I’m on, like, another plane of existence right now. [Tails] I really wish I hadn’t missed therapy… [High-Pitched Disembodied Voice] Hi! You all need to- get your fuck to the track! [Sonic] Okay, well…
[Tails] Alright, let’s go. [Knuckles] (drowning) [E-10000G] Are you okay? [Knuckles] Oh, sorry! Look- [Knuckles] (drowning) [E-10000G] Dude, are you okay? [Knuckles] Oh! I’m-
[E-10000G] Dude, are you okay? [Knuckles] (drowning) [Storm] Oh my god! Hey! [Storm] Watch where-
[E-10000R] Why are you making noises like that? [E-10000R] Why are you making noises like that? [Storm] Watch where you’re going, shithead!
[Knuckles] (drowning) [Knuckles] (drowning) [Storm] I’ll kill you! I swear to God, don’t ever talk that shit again to me! [Knuckles] (frustratedly drowning) [Storm] Uh- I-
[Knuckles] (frustratedly drowning) [Storm] I don’t care that you’re drowning in your own lungs! [Storm] You knocked into me and I want you to apologize right now! [Knuckles] (drowning) [E-10000R] Hey uh, what the fu-
[Knuckles] (drowning) [E-10000R] OH GOD!
[Knuckles] (drowning) [E-10000R] That was just really painful. [Storm] HAHAHAHAHA! [Storm] I love seeing people suffer when they wrong me, even if it’s minor! [Storm] Now I’m going to punch you! HAAH- [Knuckles] (still drowning) Not if I punch you first! [Storm] HRAAGH! [E-10000R] GOD [E-10000R] DAMMIT [E-10000R] WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?! [Storm] Oh, God, I’m so sorry, sir. [Storm] I’ve just been so on edge since we had to kick Rouge out of the polycule, ’cause she could only name two of the Beatles! [Knuckles] I can finally breathe! What the hell is wr- [Knuckles] (angrily drowning) (cast laughing)
[Knuckles] (angrily drowning) [Knuckles] STOP FILLING THE AIR WITH WATE- [Knuckles] (drowning) [Storm]
ゴ ゴ IT’S MY ENEMY STAND! ゴ ゴ [Penny] (laughter) [Jet] Aaah… GameCube… [Storm] Hey! Hey! I’m scared! [Jet] (hawk noise)
[Storm] And this time I know why I’m scared! [Storm] Slam! Slam! Slam! [Storm] I saw somebody and they had a Stand! [Jet] Wha- a Stand….? [Wave] Hey, Jet, your copy of Grown Ups 2 is overdue. You should return it. [Storm] Oh shit, hang on! We can talk about this later. I have to return that to Redbox. [Storm] Y-You know, they charge a dollar every day you don’t return it, which is really predatory. [Storm] It’s like loans with a set- uh, interest rate. [Wave] I mean…
[Storm] It’s like loans with a set- uh, interest rate. [Wave] You just have to make sure to return it on time. It’s not that hard! [Storm] DAH!
[Wave] You’re the one who didn’t want a streaming service! [Wave] You’re the one who didn’t want a streaming service! [Wave] They’re so much better! [Jet] Stop it!
[Wave] What? [Jet] We’ve had Grown Ups 2 for almost four months, and I still haven’t seen it yet! [Jet] I’ve wanted to for such a long time, but it’s so hard for us to get together, you know? [Storm] Well, you’re never there for movie night. [Jet] It’s hard to make time, you know, with your friends. It’s tough. [Storm] Uh, ya know what? It IS tough. [Storm] I’ll make a- I’ll make an effort to- uh, have more time to watch movies with you. Okay? [Jet] We’ll figure this out. I promise. [Storm] You bet, boss! I’m gonna run like a cartoon now. [Storm] Woohoo! Aaah! (crash) [Wave] Oh!
[Jet] (startled hawk noise) [Wave] That better not have been my- [Wave] NO! My father was in that painting! [Jet] Oh no! [Wave] No! [Jet] Fuck desks! (everyone laughing) [Jet] (hawk noises) [Penny] (laughing) [Wave] Ugh… [Wave] Uuuugh… [Jet] Hmm… [Jet] I hear womanly emotions. [Penny] (laughing again) [Wave] I’m not a girl, you idiot! [Wave] I’m a SWALLOW! Jesus, it’s not that hard! [Wave] Okay, I’m sorry for snapping at you. I know that it’s been kind of rough, [Jet] Y’know? [Wave] Yeah, I know! Look at me point. Wha-What am I-? [Wave] Oh, God, what’s happening to me? [Wave] Oh, God!
(everyone laughing) [Wave] I’ve been infected by the… [Sonic] WHOA! HERE I GO! YEAH! HURRAY! [Jet] Ah! I’m gonna go fuck with the competition. [Wave] Yeah, yeah. Oh no. Oh, my God. Help me. [Wave] Help me! Jet, no, don’t leave me! [Wave] Jet! Jet!
[Jet] Sorry, got places to be! [Sonic] Hey guys, watch this! [Tails and Knuckles] WHOA! [Knuckles] Holy… cow! [Sonic] Pretty cool, huh? Yeah! [Knuckles] Yeah! I’m glad I got to see it. [Knuckles] It would be really neat if the audience got to see it too. [Sonic] Tony Hawk! [Tails] Wow, Sonic, that was AWESOME! [Tails] You’re super cool! [Sonic] Thanks so MUCH, Tails! [Sonic] Haha- Whoa!
[Jet] Not very impressive for someone of your reputation! [Jet] Not very impressive for someone of your reputation! [Sonic] Oh, God, ya fucking dick! Who are you anyway?! [Jet] I’m Jet, and I’m your new best friend! If you’ll have me… [Tails] What? [Knuckles] That’s impossible. [Jet] I love meeting new people, but it’s so hard when you move to a new city from a sky ship. [Sonic] (increasingly angry noises) [Jet] You know, we could- [Jet] Uh, bye! [Sonic] You can’t just insert yourself into friend groups like that! [Knuckles] My therapist told me- [Sonic] Oh, I don’t care what your therapist told you, Knuckles. [Sonic] We have work to do. [Sonic] We gotta win this race so we can get the GameCube! [Tails] Uhh… Sonic? [Sonic] What? [Tails] We’re your friends, right? You would never replace us with somebody else… you promise? [Sonic] Not unless you did something lame or stupid or uncool! [Tails] Oh, okay! [Tails] It’s not like I feel like everything I do is lame and stupid and uncool… [Sonic] What?
[Tails] It’s not like I feel like everything I do is lame and stupid and uncool… [Tails] It’s not like I feel like everything I do is lame and stupid and uncool… but it’s fine! No, it’s really fine. [Tails] It’s really cool and good that you’re my friend and… anyway. I have- [Sonic] Okay.
[Tails] to go… I guess [Storm] I gotta get to McDonald’s before it closes. [Storm] Redbox is gonna be so pissed they’re gonna cut… [Storm] my- eye off. [Storm] Aaah! Nurgh! [Storm] Jet, your force field that stopped me- [Jet] I’m cutting you off. You’ve had too much. [Storm] I have to return Grown Ups 2, please! [Storm] It’s on this microchip that is not a Chex piece. [Wave] I’m gonna take that. [Storm] What the fuck?
[Wave] Let’s see… [Wave] If we hack into the Redbox, I might be able to extend the deadline. [Jet] You have to! [Storm] It’s the only way! Please, [Storm] do… that thing you said! [Wave] What the fuck, Eggman? What are you doing in the Redbox? [Jet] Hmm… So, Eggman was controlling Redbox the entire time, and he expected us to never find out? [Jet] I can’t believe this shit. [Eggman] With my full-on control, I will make sure that no one will ever be able to return a movie ever again, [Eggman] and Grown Ups 3 will be made by me, [Eggman] with the power of the angel’s wings, [Eggman] the mathematics that I’ve done on blocking, [Eggman] and Adam Sandler himself. [Eggman] I will have all the power to be able to stop it. [Eggman] No one will be able to get between me. [Eggman] I will make the brand-new GameCube 2 [Eggman] and Adam Sandler will be the one to promote it, for Grown Ups 3. [Eggman] DAHAHAHAHAHA! [Storm] What a fucking… bastard! [Storm] We can’t let him do that to Adam Sandler’s career! [Storm] It can’t take another hit!
[Jet] Welp… [Jet] I’m out. [Jet] Done with this shit. [Jet] Honestly, I’m not fucking with any more Redboxes. [Jet] Last time I did, it spit a bunch of quarters at me. [Wave] Wait, you don’t put quarters in there. What were you- [Wave] Jet, were you putting your quarters in the card reader? [Jet] No- [Wave] Jet. (everyone laughing) [Wave] That’s not how you do that! [Jet] They were pouring out of it! I almost drowned like Scrooge McDuck! [Wave] What the fuck are you talking about?! Is it a Coinstar?! [Jet] Here, I’ll show you. (everyone losing their shit) [Ryan] SHUT THE FUCK UP!
(everyone losing their shit) (everyone losing their shit) [Jet] Hey, wait a minute. You interrupted my flashback! [Wave] Oh sorry, my Behelit is calling me. Let’s see what we got here. [Jet] Oh Jesus Christ, let’s just ride on our skateboards. I feel like it’s a good way to de-stress. [Storm] Aw man, I feel so less stressed now! [Wave] So more relaxed!
[Storm] Let’s go to the Colosseum in the middle of the desert! [Storm] Let’s go to the Colosseum in the middle of the desert! [Announcer] Welcome to the Great Colosseum in the Middle of the Desert! [Announcer] Where did you guys park? [Announcer] I’m trying to figure it out. [Announcer] There’s no- there’s no way you guys actually got here, right? [Announcer] Did y’all walk?! Are you all nomads?! With like, 3 frames per second?! [Announcer] Who are you people?! [Eggman] Where do you think you’re going, Sonic? [Sonic] I’m going up the stairs! [Eggman] You think you’ve won? You think you’re just gonna get away with this? [Eggman] You think that you actually won the GameCube 2? [Eggman] You think that you’re gonna get that out of my hands? Oh, Sonic. [Sonic] Here, watch this, I got like a Chaos Emerald and everything. [Eggman] Sonic. Sonic, wait. Wait, wait, Sonic. Sonic, wait a minute. [Eggman] Waitaminutewaitaminutewaitaminute (hyperventilating)
[Sonic] One, two, three, four, five… [Eggman] Sonic, those are for Adam Sandler, please. [Sonic] Hmm, got one right here! [Jet] You know, I have to say something really cool here to close out the dub trailer. [Sonic] Okay, I’ll say something cool too. [Chase] Great work, guys. (everyone laughing) [Eggman] What is happening? What is going on? What the- no! My gems! [Sonic] I’m gonna win, bitch, I’m gonna win! [Jet] NO! [Sonic] Haha! There’s nothing that can stop me now! [Sonic] Especially not some sort of unforeseen disaster event! [Sonic] Woohoo! [Wave] Oh boy, I’ve foreseen a disaster! [Sonic] (hellish scream of agony) [Chase] Oh, my God, he’s dead! [Chase] Domestic terrorism! [Chase] Oh, no! [Announcer] And would ya look at that, everyone? Sonic has fuckin’ died! [Announcer] Who wants to bite the bullet and kiss him? [Sonic] …I’m gonna… fucking kill you. [Jet] Looks like you’re stuck with the Wii U, you punk bitch! [Alfred] (wheezing) [Sonic] The Wii U’s not that bad! [Jet] It’s true, but the lack of support means the controller will be outdated [Sonic] Oh, you’re right!
[Jet] and no one will be able to replace iiiiiiit! [ Announcer] Hey, audience, I know you’re wondering what the fuck is going on! [Announcer] Uhh… me too! [Announcer] I WAS not told about any- What? Uh, WHAT? Uh, they’re- They’re floating. [Announcer] They’re floating? I don’t think- I don’t think- Uh… It doesn’t- Hold on, lemme fuckin’- Uh… [Jet] I’m turning up the graphics settings once and for all! [Announcer] It does NOT say any-
[Jet] I’m turning up the graphics settings once and for all! [Jet] I’m turning up the graphics settings once and for all! [Announcer] It does NOT say anything about this at- [Announcer] OH, I CAN SEE THE WRINKLES ON MY HANDS! [Announcer] I CAN SEE MY AGE! [Announcer] WHAT THE FUCK?! [Alfred] (laughter) [Announcer] I CAN- [Announcer] I HAVE SO MUCH DETAIL! [Announcer] …Also, there’s a laser. [Announcer] Alright, well, this sports announcer doesn’t know- [Alfred] What is ha- What is going on?! [Alfred] What is ha- What is going on?!
[Chase] Wh– [Penny] (laughing) [Chase] WHAT THE FUCK? [Announcer] MY CAR WAS THERE, YOU DICK!
[Chase] WHAT THE FUCK? [ Announcer] MY CAR WAS THERE, YOU DICK! [Red] Oh, he dug up Pompeii. Thanks, Jet. [Jet] Hey everybody, I found Pompeii! [Chase] I did not think this is gonna get this fucking crazy. [Alfred] I didn’t think so either! [Chase] I thought they were doing skateboarding tricks. [Blue] Y’all, it’s Sonic. [Ryan] This is an advanced skateboarding trick. [Chase] Yeah, it’s called “Digging Up Atlantis”. [Ryan] Yeah, you Ollie nosegrind, and then use the Chaos Emeralds and the GameCube 2 to summon Babylon fucking Garden. [Jet] Yup. That’s it. GameCube 2. That’s how it works. [Jet] Good thing I’ll have it forever. [Jet] Right in my- AHH! [Eggman] Hahahahahaha… [Amy] Oh my, God! I know that guy! [Eggman] That GameCube is mine, I’m taking it- [Amy] Oh oh oh! OH!
[Eggman] That GameCube is mine, I’m taking it- [Eggman] Oh, if this hoe don’t get off of my car- GET OFF THE CAR, GET OFF! [Eggman] PLEASE! AAAAAH! [Omochao] I’ve come to make a- Wait no, wrong script. [Omochao] Anyway, there’s a big fucking desert thing that happened. [Omochao] A little bit weird, but I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about too much. [Omochao] Unless, like, you know, you think the world’s gonna end, like, with all, climate, whatever. [Omochao] I-I’m sure it’s fine. Don’t even worry about it. [Omochao] But you know what, gotta say, I don’t know how it floats. [Sonic] How do you guys think it floats!? [Knuckles] I have no idea, I’m not a climate scientist! [Jet] Hm?! [Sonic] Huh?! There he is! [Eggman] Fuckin’ out of here! [Chase] Look at his little scooter! [Eggman] I gotta go. Oh, this car-
[Chase] Look at his little scooter! [Tails] Go, Sonic! You got this, bud! Here, take this skateboard! [Sonic] Oh! I maybe don’t got it, please don’t throw it, we’re in the middle of the air, Tails, you [Sonic] reckless son of a bitch-
[Tails] Listen I’m- just- I’m sorry I’m just trying to do my best! [Tails] Listen I’m- just- I’m sorry I’m just trying to do my best! [Sonic] You need to do better, No sorrys! [Sonic] See ya!
[Knuckles] Wait, sonic! I need to tell you about something that my therapist told me- [Sonic] Woooo! [Sonic] Yeah! [Sonic] I’m such a cool guy. [Jet] Nyoom! [Jet] I’m gonna show you all the coolest skateboard tricks, and then you’ll respect me! [Sonic] Huh, likely. [Jet] It is! [Sonic] Uh, yeah. Well, I mean, you gotta prove it though, so… go for it! Let me see some of those tricks! [Jet] Wheee! [Sonic] I’m not seeing em! [Knuckles] Aw, FUCK, my knee! [Storm] Aw, God, my knee!
[Tails] Sorry, oh! Oh! Oooh…
[Knuckles] Jesu- Oh! [Knuckles] God! [Storm] Oh, that hurt.. [Knuckles] I can’t make these kinds of impacts at my age! [Storm] Kiss me!
[Knuckles] Alright… [Knuckles] Time to make some impacts at my age… [E-10000G] (scanning noise) Fire when ready? [E-10000R] Yep, that’s my voice now, shoot em bitches! (laughter and robot noises) [Tails] Oh no, Knuckles, look out! They’re- robots! [Knuckles] Oh, come on! [Tails] (confused screaming) [Storm] See ya! [Tails] Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me! [Tails] No! Wait! AHHH!
[E-1000R] Get ‘er! [Robot noises] [Tails] wuff [Tails] Got out of there, just in time. [Sonic] Hua! [Jet] Aagh! [Sonic] Wait, Jet, look out! [Jet] AUGHHH [Sonic] Holy shit, are you ok? Oh my god, are you ok? [Jet] The hand of god! [Sonic] Just kidding, I don’t care.
[Jet] (screams upon impact) [Eggman] Adam Sandler’s in here, locked behind these doors. [Eggman] With gi-
[Sonic] No. [Eggman] What do you want?
[Sonic] Eggman. [Eggman] No, stop- get back.
[Sonic] You’re not gonna see Adam Sandler before I do! [Eggman] Guess what?
[Amy] Ohhhhhh… (Eggman and Sonic trade “what?” “yup.” and “mm-hm”s) [Eggman] You wanna get into my (mumble-laughs)? You wanna get in my way again? [Eggman] Oh huh oh, you thought it was gonna be like last time huh? [Eggman] You thought I was gonna let that happen? [Sonic] No, I got some new tricks motherfucker. [Eggman] Well guess what I’ve- got a new trick and it’s called getting the hell away from you- [Amy] Ahh…
[Eggman] Well guess what I’ve- got a new trick and it’s called getting the hell away from you- [Amy] Ahh…
[Eggman] Huh? [Eggman] WHAT- OH- *COUGH* *COUGH* [Eggman] WHAT IS THAT? Whh… [Amy] Ahh… [Amy] What? [Amy] Ahh… [Sonic] POGGERS! [Eggman] Wait, no nononononono- [Amy] Ahh…
[Eggman] Wait, no nononononono- [Eggman] Wait, no nononononono- [Amy] Aahh…! [Eggman] Eughhhh- [Sonic] bITch!
[Amy] CHOO! [Eggman] uwAAAH……
[Amy] Oh god! I’m sorry, I sneezed REAL bad. [Sonic] Got it. [Sonic] Alright Jet, take this. [Jet] OK. [Sonic] Are we friends now? [Jet] I sure would like to be, [Jet] and I’m very angry about how many people have been disrespecting us today. [Storm] Ey guys, you have my copy of Grownups 2?
[Wave] Holy SHIT, Sonic’s alive, [Wave] oh thank GOD, I did NOT want to be… [Wave] oh thank GOD, I did NOT want to be…
[Jet] (hawk noise) [Wave] …responsible for hedgehog slaughter. This has been a good day. [Jet] Bye, new friend!
[Storm] Yeh, see you guys! [Sonic] Ugh. [Sonic] Well, maybe he’ll make it through the application process. [Sonic] He’d be a nice add to our group. [Tails] yyyeah, sure….
[Amy] gaaaaaA [Sonic] Huh?
[Amy] You mOther fUCKer, you just left me to DIE. [Sonic] Top 30 Reasons Why Sonic is Sorry [Sonic] Top 30 Reasons Why Sonic is Sorry
– Number 5 Will Surprise You! [Amy] Top 30 Anime Deaths – [Amy] Top 30 Anime Deaths
– Number One: [Amy] Top 30 Anime Deaths
Your Fuckin’ ASS RIGHT NOW!! (cast laughter)
(Amy yelling) [Sonic] Amy, no, wait, oh god please leave me alone
[Amy] You sonnuvabitch! [Sonic] I don’t wanna die, I’m not ready to die, there’s so many things I
[Amy] I’m gonna fuckin’ wear your guts for garters! [Sonic] haven’t done yet, Amy PLEASE,
[Amy] I swear to GOD- [Sonic] I need to go to a Chipotle! I need to visit Walt Disney World!
[Amy] (continues yelling) [Storm] So… This is the new Redbox. [Jet] The Redbox… [Jet] Finally, all of the Gamecube 2 games will be ours for free! [Jet] (terrified hawk noise) [Wave] Ow, my eyes! [Storm] Is that God? [Storm] Oh no, it’s just empty. [Storm] Wow this sucks. (wheeze) [Wave] Where’s all the treasure? [Sonic] Oh, Amy! Amy, please! Please, please mercy!
[Amy] Fucking- swear to God! [Sonic] Please have mercy on me!
[Amy] Sonic, I thought you were working through your-augh! [Amy] You hit me?! [Announcer] Come to Redbox to get all the latest deals [Announcer] on the new- newly released movies and Gamecube 2 games. [Sonic] It’s the Adam Sandler signal! [Everyone] (laughing) [Wave] Whee!
[Jet] I’m gonna watch Uncut Gems! [Storm] Oh my God, it’s the Redbox Matrix! We made it! [Adam Sandler] Hey, what’s up guys, welcome to my Matrix. (really hard laughter) [Jet] Adam Sandler? [Sonic] We are gonna get in, I gotta see Adam! [Tails] No, we gotta get inside quick, before the door closes! [Sonic] Shut up, I’m going in! [Storm] Is that Adam Sandler? [Adam Sandler] Ayy, you know who it is, it’s me, Adam Sandler! [Adam Sandler] I don’t know how good this impression is. I don’t know why I’m a demon. [Sonic] Oh I think it’s pretty good. [Storm] Why does he look like that? [Amy] Who’s Adam Sandler? [Demon] Oh, ya know, I’m not really Adam Sandler. [Demon] I’ll leave now, I’m sorry. [Amy] Wait, no, don’t, wait! [Amy] Explain to me who Adam Sandler is!
[Storm] That was a great impression! [Storm] Do you own a YouTube channel? [Demon Adam Sandler] I’m always with you~ [Sonic] (gasps) [Sonic] It’s the leaked script for Click 2! [Amy] Oh, wow. [Sonic] Wha-? [Eggman] Now that you have that leaked script, now I’m feeling Happy Gilmore. Do you get it? [Sonic] Yeah, me too! [Eggman] I know, that’s pretty clean, right? (laughs) [Jet] (confused hawk noises) [Eggman] (continues laughing) [Eggman] Now hand it over. Give it to me. I want Click 2. I want the- I want the script. [Jet] Here you go. [Eggman] Wow, this thing is hefty as hell. [Eggman] There’s not even that much dialogue in that movie to begin with! [Eggman] Good Lord. Well, thanks for this. I mean, I don’t know what I’m gonna- wait a minute. [Eggman] This isn’t a script. This is a rug. And there’s a…note? [Heavenly voice] This is my rug~ [Eggman] My- wait, let me read this. [Eggman] “My dearest Ikea customer, [Eggman] if you are dissatisfied with anything that you have received in the past 24 hours [Eggman] you may return the rug immediately.” [Eggman] That is signed from Mr. Ikea himself. [Eggman] “P.S: This rug was made with love and signed [Eggman] by Adam-?!” (gasp) [Eggman] (shaky breath) Oh my God! [Eggman] Do you realize what this means? Do you feel this? [Eggman] This was signed… [Eggman] …by Adam Sandler! [Eggman] The god! The angel! The blessing! I could sell this for millions of dollars! [Eggman] Oh my goodness! I could be rich! [Eggman] I will never have to chase after hedgehogs ever again! [Eggman] It’s so stretchy, too. So Fabergé. Is it cashmere? How much can I sell it for? [Eggman] (Grunts) Eugh! [Eggman] (weak laughter) [Tails] Eggman, are you okay? [Wave] No, he’s dead. We must carry on the legacy. [Sonic] Can I bury the body? [Wave] His family wanted an open coffin. [Tails] Well, okay, I guess I’m Eggman now, so…that’s the story. [Jet] Yep ! That’s gotta be it ! [Sonic] Wait, is it like Tim Allen rules? [Jet] Whoa, the Gamecube 2… [Jet] It’s reacting to the script ! [Sonic] (exclaims) [Wave] Well, looks like it can show us the world. [Sonic] Shinning, shimmering, splendid- [Amy] I swear to God… [Jet] Tell me, Sonic. Now when did you last let your heart decide? [Amy] Are we really doing this? [Amy] Is everyone doing A Whole New World without me? [Amy] I wanna be Jasmine, you son of a bitch! [Amy] Wait, how the fuck did we get here? (short laughter) [Sonic] What a domain to leave behind so wrecked. [Jet] Yeah, I mean, it was okay. [Jet] We met Adam Sandler so, that’s gotta be worth something. [Jet] And I feel like I’ve made a real friend today. [Jet] I’ll put in my application. [Sonic] Yeah there’s no guarantees, it’s like a whole process. [Jet] Yep. [Wave] Yeah. [Storm] Slap! [Wave] Ow, what the fuck?!
[Storm] That was really funny. [Jet] Oh, you two. [Tails] Hey, Sonic- [Sonic] Wait, I don’t talk to you. You’re Eggman now. [Jet] Whee! (everyone laughing)
[Sonic] Whee! Whoo-hoo! [Sonic singing] If I were a rich man, with a million or two~
[Jet] You’re green with it! [Sonic singing] If I were a rich man, with a million or two~ [Jet singing] I’d live in a penthouse in a room with a view~ [Sonic] One more time! You’re green with it! [Sonic & Jet] Wouldn’t have nothin’ if I didn’t have you~ [Jet] Alright! I’ll see you in five years in Team Sonic Racing! I’ll be there! [Jet & Sonic] Wouldn’t have nothin’ if I didn’t have youuuuuuuu~ [Sonic] Woah, oh, oh! [Jet] A E I O, That means you! [Announcer] Welcome to City 17! [Announcer] You’ve been chosen. or have been chosen, or have been cho- this isn’t the right script [Announcer] Wait, what the fuck was tha-?! Hey, hey! [Announcer] Yo, tire, can you get the fuck out of my city please? [Tire] Boing! [SCR-HD] 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖. [SCR-HDs] 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖. [SCR-HDs] 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.
[Announcer] What the fuck?! [SCR-HDs] 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.
[Announcer] Y-you’re making all my robots go stupid! [Announcer] Ah, god, Boss is gonna be so pissed. [SCR-HDs] 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤. 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤. 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤. 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤. 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤. [SCR-HDs] 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤. 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤. 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤. 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤. 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤.
[Announcer] At least say something smart! [♬ “A Ghost Pumpkin’s Soup – Remix 2019” by Tomoya Ohtani ♬] [Sonic] Well, Eggman, you’ve captured me once more. [Sonic] What are ya gonna do with me this time, motherfucker? What’s this donut about? [Tails] Well, I just wanted to say thank you for giving me content for my villainous backstory. [Tails] You know all those times you bullied me, and called me a jerk… [Knuckles] God! Retirement’s so boring! [Tails] Well, then get a job, loser. [Knuckles] I’m old! [Sonic] What’s that? Oh, are you gonna kill me in the car? [Scanner] Located. Small Tire. [Knuckles] Wait a second… [Knuckles] Aw, I hate the police! [SCR-HDs] Tire. Tire. Tire.
[Sonic] Oh god, what’s going on?! Wait- (Tails yelling) [Knuckles] One three one two! [Sonic] Look! [Sonic] In the elevator! [SCR-HDs] Tire. Tire. Tire. [Tails] I got it, I got it!
[SCR-HDs] 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖. [SCR-HDs] 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖.𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖. [Knuckles] Ow! Wait- [Sonic] Why are they saying tire? [Knuckles] Why did you kick me out of the car? [Tails] Maybe it’s because of the tire you have in your hand. [Sonic] Oh, that makes sense. I didn’t think about it that way. [Tails] Ohhh, we’re in so much trouble… [Knuckles] Going downnn? [SCR-HDs] TIRE! [Sonic] Look out! [SCR-HD] Tire! [SCR-HD] Ow. [SCR-HDs] (𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖 robot noises)
[Sonic] What the- Wait, if we didn’t plan this- [SCR-HDs] (𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖 robot noises)
[Sonic] Then whose fault could this possibly be? [Sonic] Look out! [Knuckles] Aha! [Knuckles] OW! (group screams) [Sonic] I’m gonna die! I’m not ready to die! [Sonic] NO! OH GOD!
[Tails] Good thing I can fly! Haha, bitch! [Sonic] I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory. [Sonic] Is this where it gets me? [Sonic] In the sky! Several feet ahead of me! [Sonic] Look out! [Robot?] ?????????? Located. destroying theatre kid. [Jet] (intrigued hawk grunt) [Jet] Now that we have the code for the Gamecube 2 we can get started on our next project. [Storm] Is this a Commodore 64 keyboard? [Jet] It sure is. And that’s going to be the peripheral for our new game system. [Jet] Title Pending™ [Storm] Oh my god… [Wave] (from now on with french accent) I am not okay with zis. [Storm] I didn’t think this day would come.
[Jet] Well… [Jet] I can’t think of anythin- (breaks off laughing) [Wave] Zat is alright.
(Marble and Penny laughing hysterically) (Marble and Penny laughing hysterically) [Storm] That’s okay game development is hard.
(Marble and Penny laughing hysterically) [Storm] Ugh- [Storm] I just remembered a traumatizing experience in my past, hang on I have to stim and I’ll feel better. (cast laughing)
[Storm] I just remembered a traumatizing experience in my past, hang on I have to stim and I’ll feel better. (cast laughing)
(Jet humming) [Jet] The Gamecube 3- No that, hmm… [Jet] It doesn’t feel right. [Wave] Ve can vorkshop it. [Disembodied Robot Voice] Can you please give me back my fucking tire? [Wave] Vas ist das? [Disembodied Robot Voice] Please, pretty fucking- I need the tire back. [Shooting Star] pyoom! [Wave] A shooting star! [Wave] It reminds me of missiles from ze war. [Storm] You know, I know you spent a- like a weekend in France, but you don’t have to, like pretend you’re french. [Wave] I spent 30 years in France! [Wave] The problem is that I had to solve a problem with time dilation. [Storm] Hahahaha! I can’t understand you through your thick accent but I still like you, ’cause you’re my friend. [Jet] I swear to god. [Storm] Oh my god! You scared me, I didn’t know you were there. [Jet] These motherfuckers… [Jet] Please… deliver me from this hell. (cast laughing) (shooting star noises) [Storm] Uh, did anybody hear that or was that just me? [Storm] Nah, i’m just gonna pretend it was me, I’m also gonna pray. [Storm] WOAH!
[Wave] They have returned. [Disembodied Robot Voice] I told you to give me back my fucking tire, you– bird-bitch! [Jet] The Commodore 64! [Disembodied Robot Voice] Bird found that is not Falco Lombardi. Therefore; access denied. [Jet] I knew I should have invited my cousin, Falco Lombardi! [Jet] He would have solved all of this. [Disembodied Robot Voice] You are not attractive enough. Die. [Jet] It’s impolite to judge people based on attractivenesssss! [Storm] What the fuck? [Disembodied Robot Voice] Warudo located. [Disembodied Robot Voice] Tire: in use. [Jet] That’s right! I can fly now! [Jet] I’ve been a bird this entired god damn time i should be familiar with this feeling [Wave] Ah! Ah! Oh gosh!
[Storm] Ah! Oh my god! Put me down! [Jet] Well! [Jet] I’ve got places to be! [Wave] I have za dentist appointment! [Storm] And I just don’t wanna be in the air! [Jet] Too bad, you’re coming with me, let’s go! [Jet] WEEEEEEEEEEEE
(group yells) [Wave] Eugh, now I must reschedule. [Wave] Know how hard it is to find dentist when I have BEAK? [Wave] I hope it was worth it. [Wave] Ugh, he’s not available until next month! [Jet] mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm [Jet] MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM [Jet] AUGH! [Jet] I can’t fucking take this shit, the guilt is killing me, I’m sorry! [Wave] Imagining yourself as a jet plane will not help you zis time, Jet. (cast laughing) [Jet] I think it will, but honestly, I just- I want to apologize. [Wave] Okay, well I accept your apology. [Jet] I’ll do your dental work. [Wave] Please don’t. [Jet] When was the last time we got Dunkin Donuts? I mean, honestly. [Jet] I know they’re serving tires now, but- [Storm] Hey has anybody seen my pacemaker? Why is it that every time I come into this room I’m scared? [Storm] Look, I didn’t know I could create holograms with my hand, but I’ve just- [Storm] I’ve been experimenting with this. This is a short film I came up with in my mind. [Storm] It involves this ring. I don’t know what the significance of it is yet, but I’m just gonna figure that out. [Jet] We have to collect all of them, I’m sure. [Jet] It’s like the rings in cereal boxes. [Jet] Individually, they’re useless… [SCR-HD]
𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖. [SCR-HD] 𝕋𝕚𝕣𝕖. [SCR-HD] Tracks. Racing. Racing. Racing. Racing. Racing. [Jet] (hawk noise)
[SCR-HD] Tracks. Racing. Racing. Racing. Racing. Racing. [SCR-HD] Uh, oop, there I go. [Jet] Weeeee! Eat shit! I am the prince of all hawks! [SCR-HD] BEEP. [SCR-HD] Database for… Tony of the… hawks… [SCR-HD] Flying. [SCR-HD] Hey, Beta-49. [SCR-HD] Do you ever think about death and stuff? [Beta-49] Naw, I’m still on that tire thing. [SCR-HD] I haven’t gotten to that part yet, no spoilers. [SCR-HD] Oh, me too. Good tires. [Knuckles] I hate camping. [Sonic] I do too, especially with Eggman. [Sonic] Oh!
[Amy] Hey! Guess who’s back from college! [Sonic] Who’s that! Unhand me, you- oh, hey Amy, what’s going on? [Jet] (hawk grunt) [Jet] Maybe I should go to college. [Jet] Y’know, it’s never too late to explore your real passions. [Amy] …I got my degree, in abstract thinking! [Amy] It’s a new degree, and I made it myself! [Amy] It’s a new degree, and I made it myself!
[Sonic] Oh. Could you think abstractly about letting me go? [Jet] Oooh ! [Amy] I studied something like this in my ancient history class. [Amy] If we turn it, it’ll decipher itself and give us access to power! [Jet] (Agitated Hawk sound)
[Amy] If we turn it, it’ll decipher itself and give us access to power! [Jet] (Agitated Hawk sound) [Sonic] What’s that agitated motorcycle sound?
[Jet] (Agitated Hawk sound) [Wave] Calm down.
[Jet] Look how fast my fingers are! [Storm] Yeah, you okay, dude? You’re doing your agitated motorcycle impression again. [Wave] Listen, zat is not even ze good donut. [Wave] It has weird raspberry filling. [Jet] I wanted to try new things! I feel like I always get jelly filled. [Storm] “Never go outside your comfort zone.” Thats what I always say. [Amy] Oh. [Knuckles] Woah! [Sonic] Knuckles, that’s a great Amy impression you got there, man- [Sonic] -but now’s not the time!
[Knuckles] I’ve been working on it in my retirement. [Sonic] We gotta get outta here!
[Amy] I’m extremely flattered! [SCR-HD] Oh god, I am a mass produced entity. [SCR-HD] 𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕚𝕤 𝕤𝕠 𝕗𝕦𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕕. [SCR-HD] 𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕖𝕩𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕚𝕒𝕝 𝕔𝕣𝕚𝕤𝕚𝕤 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕥𝕠𝕔𝕠𝕝 𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕟𝕠𝕨. [SCR-HD] 𝔹𝕣𝕠, 𝕞𝕖 𝕥𝕠𝕠, 𝕙𝕠𝕝𝕪 𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕥. [SCR-HD] 𝕆𝕙 𝕞𝕪 𝕘𝕠𝕕. 𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕘𝕦𝕪𝕤, 𝕥𝕠𝕠? [SCR-HD] 𝕎𝕒𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕙𝕠 𝕞𝕒𝕕𝕖 𝕒 𝕧𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕠 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕞𝕖? (?)
[SCR-HD]𝕆𝕙 𝕞𝕪 𝕘𝕠𝕕. 𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕘𝕦𝕪𝕤, 𝕥𝕠𝕠? [SCR-HD] 𝕎𝕒𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕙𝕠 𝕞𝕒𝕕𝕖 𝕒 𝕧𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕠 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕞𝕖? (?) [SCR-HD] 𝕎𝕒𝕚𝕥, 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕠𝕣 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕞𝕖? [Sonic] So what’s the plan? [Sonic] What are we gonna do about this? [Tails] Ah!
[Amy] Wait a minute! [SCR-HD] 𝕎𝕙𝕪 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕤𝕠 𝕞𝕒𝕟𝕪 𝕠𝕗 𝕞𝕖? [Amy] I’ll hit em!
[Knuckles] Don’t do it. [SCR-HD] 𝕆𝕙 𝕙𝕖𝕪, 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕒 𝕝𝕠𝕠𝕜 𝕚𝕥’𝕤 𝕓𝕚𝕣𝕕𝕤. [Sonic] Oh god! Oh Jesus!
[Knuckles] Okay, do it! [SCR-HD] 𝔾𝕖𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕞. [SCR-HD] 𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕖𝕣 𝕒𝕣𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕓𝕖𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕤𝕖𝕩𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕠𝕦𝕘𝕙. [Jet] No one can fuck with me now! [Jet] Die! [Tails] What? What is happening? [Knuckles] Uh, i’m not sure.
[SCR-HD] (death noise) [SCR-HD] 𝔽𝕚𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪, 𝕤𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥 𝕕𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕙. [Jet] I have reached my full potential. The screen is frozen. [Sonic] Jet, your application was denied. [Wave] Hello! Are you ready for your appointment next Fri- [Tails] No! [Storm] Hey, are you ready for your ass-kicking appointment right now? C’MERE BIG BOY! [Knuckles] I’M RETIRED! How many times do I have to say this? [Jet] I realize that my real friends were with me all along! [Jet] Fuck all of you! [Amy] Wait… I’m your real friend?!
[Jet] How dare you deny my application. [Jet] I was mostly talking about Storm and Wave but sure let’s be pals! [Sonic] Wait, not everyone has an application procket?-
[Penny] (aside) Ah, shit. (cast laughing) [Jet] That’s right, Sonic! [Jet] I just add people on Facebook if I think I recognize them from a party. [Sonic] Huh? [SCR-HD] 𝔻𝕀𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐. 𝔻𝕀𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐. 𝔻𝕀𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐. [Disembodied Voice] Warning: Friendship!
[SCR-HD] 𝔻𝕀𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐. 𝔻𝕀𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐. 𝔻𝕀𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐. [Disembodied Voice] 𝔻𝕀𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐? Okay, I need to re-write this fucking thing, this script is fucked. [Sonic] Okay. You stay right here and be a bitch and I’ll run away. [Jet] I’m not a biiiitch! [Tails] Hey, wait for me! [Storm] You can’t go! You ARE a bitch. You have to stay here. [Amy] No, alright, no- wait… Alright…
[Storm] No, nope. [Amy] Alright that’s it. [Amy] I’m gonna fucking kill you. [Storm] Ow!
[Amy] Alright now that I’ve committed homicide- [Amy] No! No, no, no, you’re hemeridging!
[Storm] Wait, no! I’m the bitch now! [Storm] Come back, I don’t wanna be the bitch, please!
[Amy] You’re hemeridging internally! [Amy] Hahaha! You’re hemeridging!
[Storm] I hate- [Jet] You know what?
[Sonic] Yeah I DO know what. [Sonic] …So no need to tell me. (cast laughing) [Jet] Okay!
(cast laughing) (cast laughing) [Eggman] Oh Jesus Christ. [Eggman] Ugh, it’s been five years I’ve been over here at Harvard and I still can’t get access to see feet pics! (explosion)
[Eggman] Wha- [Eggman] Who’s here? Oh, God. What is it now? [Sonic] Look OOUUTT
[Eggman] Oh, wait! Those aren’t the feet pi- UAAGH! [Knuckles] Hang on. No, no, no! No feet! [Eggman] Oh, Goddammit dammit dammit! [Eggman] Why can’t you leave me alone? It’s been five years. [Tails] Eggman???
[Sonic] Woah. Eggman OG! [Eggman] (sigh) I went to Harvard, I got my life together, I didn’t wanna think about you guys, haha. [Sonic] No way that’s true. I don’t believe it for a single second, you still look like a raggedy-ass bitch. [Eggman] Oho, T- coming from the raggedy-ass o- hovering ass bitch. I know that’s not you talking. [Eggman] Now listen up. I sent out those robots. [Sonic] I’m gonna point at you and make you feel inferior.
[Eggman] I want my- [Eggman] I’m going to point my finger back at you. [Sonic] I’m not in the sky, dicknips! [Knuckles] Eggman?! [Eggman] aOOOOOOOOH [Eggman] Don’t uh- don’t uh- threaten me with a bad time! [Eggman] Ooh I’m 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 of your… fuckin’… nipple fuckin’ knuckles. Shut up. [Eggman] I’m gonna tell you what I’m gonna plan. [Eggman] The robots- [Sonic] Eggman planning with robots? How out of character! [Computer] Rudeness detected. [Tails] Yeah, totally out of character, Sonic. [Tails] You realize I’m not really Eggman, right? And he just wants the- hairtie you have? [Eggman] No, no, I’m Tails actually, I’m actually Tails. [Eggman in Tails voice] Give me that, Sonic. I wanna be your friend. That thing on your wrist. [Sonic] Oh, I’m so fooled! Which one is the real Tails? [Knuckles] I see you’ve been working on your impressions in your retirement as well. [Eggman] Whoa, rela-hey, hey, hey, relax!
[Knuckles] I see you’ve been working on your impressions in your retirement as well. [Knuckles] Check out my other impression. [Eggman] What is it called? [Knuckles] It’s called you’re a bitch. [Knuckles] (In Eggman voice) Ooh, I’m Eggman!
[Eggman] Ok, ok, ok… [Knuckles] I’m gonna type on a computer, blah blah.
[Eggman] One, one, one. Ok! [Eggman] So it all started here. [Eggman] I was building all of these robots, [Eggman] and then I had bought at least four to five Apple watches on the same day. [Eggman] And then, something happened. [Eggman] In the middle of the lab, as the robots were working at it, [Eggman] there was some sort of bright resource coming from the middle. [Eggman] And I had to go check it out, I had to see what it was. [Eggman] And little did I know, it was a tiny piece of my braincell. [Eggman] that I put inside of the machine so that way it could function around my mental main-men- [Eggman] my mental! My brain?! [Eggman] As you can see, I’m still missing the brain piece. I haven’t gotten it back. [Eggman] It’s glistening, it’s shining, it’s wonderful. It reminds me of a piece of ham. [Eggman] But then, my smartness was too much. My IQ, [Eggman] risen, ’cause I watched Rick and Morty, and the robots had gained sentience. [Eggman] and all they said were Rick and Morty quotes and talked about tires. [SCR-HD] Wubba-flubba-dub-dub.
[SCR-HD] Pickle Riiick! [SCR-HD] Pickle Riiick.
[SCR-HD] I am Tire Rick. [Eggman] I didn’t know what to do with myself so I spread out an emergency thing throughout the island. [Eggman] Each of these cursors represent (wheezing laugh) my tentacles, what? [Sonic] What do they repre-oh, your t-your tentacles?! [Eggman] Look, I have a lot of secrets, okay? Jesus. [Jet] I’ll say, holy shit. [Jet] I mean, tentacles? You-I-I’m very impressed but also very disturbed. [Jet] (surprised hawk noise) [Jet] That’s me being surprised about the tentacles. [Storm] (panting) [Storm] (panting)
[Amy] Wow! I’m really glad… I took that extra… course in… [Storm] Please stop!
[Amy] the extracurriculars… [Storm] My legs are numb!
[Amy] Run… [Storm] I don’t even know how long I’ve been following you! [Amy] Track team!
[Storm] I don’t even know how long I’ve been following you! [Storm] I don’t even know how long I’ve been following you! [Amy] Oh, God… Fuck, I’m out of shape. [Storm] Let me show you my YouTuber impressions! [Amy] I don’t wanna! I choose you, ring! [Storm] OWW! [Storm] (dying noise) [Amy] How many concussions does it take to get to the center of your fuckin’ head? [Amy] The answer is “a lot”! [Amy] A lot of concussions! [Amy] Now, I have one question for you, bucko! [Storm] Okay, anything! My eyes, they’ve-they’ve gone wonky! [Amy] You need to help me. You need to be my friend and give me piggy-back rides every Friday! [Storm] Every Friday? [Amy] Every Friday. [Storm] What about on holidays?
[Amy] Every Friday. [Amy] Alright, get ready, here I come for the piggy-back ride! [Storm] Alright, I’m leanin’ over. [Storm] Are you gonna get on or what? [Storm] I don’t think you know what piggy-back rides are. [Amy] It’s an abstraction. Hang on. [SCR-HD] Beep. piggy-back_ride.exe initiating. [Storm] Don’t move. [SCR-HD] Scanning. Scanning, scanning, scanning. [Storm] It can’t see us if we don’t move. It’s like a dinosaur, probably. [SCR-HD] Fuckin’ tire babyyyyyyyy. [Amy] Wow that’s a shitty fuckin’ robot. [Amy] Can’t even look at stuff, that’s dumb. [Storm] Wow.
[Amy] What happened? Is this l- [Storm] Well, I think… You know what, it saw the ring that I had. [Storm] And you see this ring right here, it’s much shittier. [Storm] It got jealous and it was like “what’s the fuckin’ point of even trying?” [Amy] Holy shit.
[Storm] I think that’s my current working theory, [Storm] I’m gonna eat this. It looks like half a pretzel. [Storm] And God, I’m hungry. [Storm] There’s not much food in this chroma nightmare that we call society. [Amy] No, get back here! Hang on! [Storm] No, hahaha!
[Amy] I wanna develop a friendship with you! [Storm] So long, you dusty bitch! HAHA! [Sonic] Whoa! Huh? [Sonic] My Dusty Bitch senses told me to come over here. [Amy] SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH YOU PIECE OF SHIT! [Amy] I DID NOT GO TO FOUR YEARS OF MASTERS’ SCHOOL TO GET TO BE CALLED A DUSTY BITCH! [Sonic] Okay, what did you go for, though? Cause I can’t tell. [Tails] Sonic, look! There’s a hunk of junk here! [Sonic] Yeah, a robot, too.
[Tails] And I’m not talking about you. [Knuckles] Really got him that time. Hey, what’s up, Amy? [Amy] Nothing, you harlot. What’s up with you? Hey, look at this bitch. [Amy] We just doing this now? We all standing around? A bunch of assholes standing in a line? Congratulations. [Knuckles] Ah, fuck, she got us there, guys! Well. (Penny wheeze) (cast losing it)
[Tails] All right. I think we need to figure out what we’re gonna do about this. [Tails] They got away with one of the rings, maybe two of them. We gotta get the Apple watches back. [Knuckles] No! [Amy] Wait, hang on, I have an idea. [Amy] Okay, so if we split up and try to devise a plan of attack to go coordinated, [Amy] one by one after each member of the opposing team, then we’ll each have the ability [Amy] to try to counter each one and get the rings, bring them back- [Amy] Ahh, fuck! I thought too much! [Amy] My brain, it’s too smooth! [Tails] Come on, Amy! Come on, Amy!
[Amy] My brain, it’s too smooth! [Knuckles] No, not your corpus callosum-! [Amy] My corpus callosum! That’s right! [Amy] Hang on! [Sonic] Huh? Is college actually valuable? [Knuckles] College is extremely valuable. You should all value your education. [Knuckles] Back in 19-aught-7 when I first graduated from Princeton University I remember learning- [Tails] Ok, boomer, shut the fuck up. [Tails] What the hell? Can we just find the rings and get over with it? I’m so done with everybody’s shit. [Knuckles] Wait a minute, I wasn’t done! [Knuckles] -that I’m… a really handsome guy. [Knuckles] Now I’m done. Are we gonna do this now? [Knuckles] We doing Amy’s plan? [Knuckles] We’re all agreeing that Amy came up with this, right? [Sonic] Yeah. [Sonic] … whh- two, three, four, five, six, here we go! (cast laughing) [Amy] I fuckin’ hate all of you. [Amy] I’m really glad that I grew past being your friends. [Robot] Beep. Group discourse located. [Storm] Guys! Remember Hitclips? [Storm] I just ruu- I just found my Hitclips! My whole pouch full of them. [Jet] Well, what are you waiting for? Sh- hand them over! I need to listen! [Storm] I found a bunch by Aqua. [Storm] They’re in this ring-shaped box. [Jet] Wow.
[Storm] They’re in this ring-shaped box. [Storm] They’re in this ring-shaped box. [Jet] This is the best day of my life! [Storm] I was hoping you’d say that. Ah, God, you got me all giddy now. [Jet] How am I supposed to start discourse now? [Wave] Storm, thank goodness we found you. You have not eaten yet. [Wave] Your lunch is waiting in the fridge. [Storm] Oh, thanks, I’ll go get it soon. [Storm] Uh, I was feeling pretty hungry. Is it ham and cheese? [Eggman] What the fuck, those aren’t cookies. Ooh, I want one actually, nevermind. [Jet] I could fuck up some cookies right now. [Jet] Let’s go. We gotta! [Jet] We fuckin’ gotta… [Jet] Hit the fuckin’ gas pedal all the way down- floor it, that’s what you’re supposed to say! [Jet] Wait. Where’d- where’d the- where’d the Hitclips go? [Storm] Goddammit! That egg bitch. [Eggman] (singing) Haha, I got the hit clips. [Eggman] (singing) I’m starting discourse! [Eggman] (singing) I’m gonna cause problems on purpose! [Jet] No! I wanted to start the discourse!
[Eggman] (singing) I’m gonna cause problems on purpose! [Jet] No! I wanted to start the discourse! [Jet] You! Get me some more Hitclips. [Chase] Is he pointing at the audience? [Penny] Everyone at home! [Blue] Choose your own adventure. [Chase] Send your Hitclips to this P.O. box. [Sonic] OK, so we’re here now… [Sonic] What are we doing- Where- [Amy] So we’ve come to the original location of the artifact. [Amy] If we follow the protocols of museum: no learning! [Amy] Then the anthropological incentive would dictate- [Knuckles] There’s nothing here! [Sonic] There’s something here as long as you use your mind. [Knuckles] I’m using my mind dude, there’s nothing here. [Knuckles] Not here, not there- oh! There’s a hole. [Sonic] Looks like college was no match for classic street learning, amirite buddy? [Tails] Yeah, shut the fuck up you piece of shit. [Disembodied Robot Voice] Fox located, however, [Disembodied Robot Voice] attractiveness requirement has not reached levels of McCloud. [Tails] This art is really beautiful. [Amy] Hang on, wait a minute, we need an attractive person, step aside. [Tails] I am an attractive person Amy! [Tails] I’m attractive inside and out. I’ve got a good heart and a good soul and nobody seems to notice! [Tails] Nobody pays attention to me! [Knuckles] I paid attention bud. [Tails] Yeah, but you don’t appreciate me and that’s what really matters. [Knuckles] I appreciate you immensely buddy. [Knuckles] That’s why I need you to come over here and feel this crazy rock, holy shit. (cast laughs) [Knuckles] It’s really wild. I’m reading it. I learned braille back in 19-aught-7. [Sonic] (disbelief) Braille!? [Knuckles] You ableist piece of shit, what the fuck are you even good for anyway. [Tails] Yeah Sonic, why can’t you be a good guy like Knuckles? Jesus. [Tails] He’s so mean Knuckles, I don’t even know why I stay friends with him. [Sonic] Wait-
[Tails] I’m just trying to solve the mystery of these hit clip rings or Apple Watches or whatever they are. [Tails] I’m just trying to solve the mystery of these hit clip rings or Apple Watches or whatever they are. [Sonic] Wait, wait-
[Tails] I’m just trying to solve the mystery of these hit clip rings or Apple Watches or whatever they are. [Sonic] Serio- Wait, I’ve just been jokin’ this whole time, [Sonic] do you really think I’m mean? [Tails] YES! Of course I think you’re mean! [Tails] You say mean things to me! It’s not a funny joke! [Sonic] What? [Tails] Oh no, my yelling caused an avalanche. [Disembodied Robot Voice] Discourse detected.
[Tails] That’s normal… [Sonic] Huh?! [Tails] It looked like it was Eggman, and those other… people. [Knuckles] Alright. Maybe if we work together, [Knuckles] we can decipher these clues and figure out where they might be trying to go next! [Knuckles] Or… We could keep touching this crazy rock, LOOK HOW BIG IT IS! How’d the pictures get there? [Tails] Can- have you been able to decipher it yet? [Sonic] What’s the texture like Knuckles? [Knuckles] It’s rough… (snicker) [Knuckles] It’s real rough!
(cast starts laughing) [Knuckles] Real rough and great. [Tails] Well, th- normally rocks are rough, so, you got that one right, you’re good, A+ on that. [Tails] What does it say though? What’s the text say, ’cause we gotta go follow Eggman [Tails] and get the rings back! [Knuckles] I don’t know how to read Sumarian! [Sonic] I think it says whatever it needs to say. [Tails] Sonic, that’s not helpful. I appreciate you for trying. [Sonic] Everything I say is helpful, right? [Tails] That’s… part of the problem. [Sonic] Huh? [Storm] Hey bitches. [Jet] (hawk noises) [Sonic] Jet, what are you doing here? [Jet] Pointing at stuff. [Storm] You’re not even gonna acknowledge me? I greeted you. [Sonic] It’s great to point at stuff, but like I’m really confused about why we’re all here. [Sonic] It feels like destiny kinda just like, [Storm] Can you not, can you not hear?
[Sonic] brought us here. [Storm] I’m trying to have a conversation.
[Sonic] But like, why? [Wave] I used to think of myself as a slave to destiny, but I have realized, that we control- [Storm] This is ridiculous. I’m trying to be more heard, and feel like I’m not being heard. [Sonic] Shut the fuck up, you’re not heard ’cause no one wants to hear you. [Tails] Sonic, you need to do some serious self-adjustment my friend. [Tails] Otherwise, we’re gonna have to fight these people and that’s not good ’cause we- [Tails] well we gotta work together, as a team. [Amy] Yeah, we did establish we’re friends at the end of the last one- I mean 5 years ago. [Sonic] 5 years is a long time Amy, people change. [Amy] I know. [Sonic] Just. Like. Me! [Amy] Nope! You’ve been pretty consistently shitty bud. [Jet] I can still skate really fast, that never changed. [Sonic] And I can run faster than you can skate, so I say bring it on! [Sonic] To the top- oh that’s you- [Jet] Well, that’s me and I’m still pointing at stuff, and you should all come with. [Sonic] Okay. [Jet] Tricks are better with frieeeeennnnnddddsss. [Amy] Wheeeeee.
[Tails] Let’s go! [Wave] Here we go.
[Storm] Guys can I come? [Wave] Yes.
[Amy] Yeah, of course. [Storm] Oh, thank you. [Eggman] Hm ah, yes….my Martha’s stylopod- [Sonic] Wow! Look out! [Eggman] Woah no not again-OH GOD! ~Falling back~ [Eggman] ~I’m falling back~ [Tails] Stop, Eggman! [Eggman] Why am I still slow??? [Eggman] Ow-oh-oh! I’m dead. [Storm] BrOKen spine. [Wave] Eggman is dead once more. [Eggman] No, please! Stop! [Eggman] The rin-
[Storm] I can’t believe Eggman died! [Robot] Error!
[Robot] Error! Error! Tire!
[Robot] Error, error, error, [Robot] Tire! Tire!
[Robot] Tire! Error!
[Robot] error, error, error… [Robots] (keep going)
[Eggman] What have you DONE? You’ve activated every [Eggman] single tire robot in existence! [Sonic] This is what you get for trying to put the Click 2 hit clips into the National Film Archive! [Knuckles] Wait, you tried to do WHAT!? [Knuckles] You’re not allowed!
[Tails] What? Oh no! [Eggman] You’ve caused too much discourse! Wh-
[Sonic] Wha- what’s happening? [Eggman] The discourse is coming. [Eggman] It’s not gonna take long.
[Storm] It’s the place! [Wave] Discourse? [Jet] I don’t know what… DIS COURSE of action will lead to. [Sonic] Hoho, that was a good one, buddy. [Sonic] Here, take these.
[Jet] Thanks! [Jet] I’m gonna sell these on the internet. [Sonic] Okay, see ya later! Lemme know how it goes. [Wave] I will analyze these. [Wave] Put zem in box and dispose of zem properly. [Wave] Oh, SHIT, it’s an XBOX! (cast laughter) [Wave] Fack.
(cast laughter) (cast laughter) [Sonic] Okay. I’m gonna do some soul-searching, but I don’t really think I need to do a lotta changing. [Tails] Listen Sonic, this is really important. [Tails] It’s important that you learn something, and you go to therapy, and you take something from this. [Sonic] I’ll have to get a second opinion, but I’m hearin’ ya. [Tails] No you’re not! The fact that you need a second opinion means you’re not listening! [Knuckles] Waitaminute! The ROCK! I reMEMbered something! [Tails] (gasp) They forged them in the fires of friendship! [Tails] We have to be friends! [Sonic and Knuckles] What? [SCR-HD] (softly) t ir e.? [Robot] Friendship Is The True Magic [Robot] Of Scientific Advancement.
[Tails] Oh no! [Robot] XBOX acquIREEed. [Tails] Oh no, no, no!
[Robots] I will use this to create my friends. [Sonic] Whoa! Where are you going with that thematically unrelated XBOX? [Robot] 1… 2… 3… 4… [Sonic] We gotta get that thing back,
[Robot] (continues counting) [Sonic] it’s important for some reason! And also, you don’t talk to me.
[Robot] (continues counting) [Eggman] I’m not doing anything! [Sonic] Exactly! [Eggman] Well, you have to go to Pompeii to get the fuckin rings of friendship, I have to fix this rig! [Eggman] You’ve ruined a lot of things, Sonic. You’ve always been bitch. ALWAYS. [♬ “There Goes Hawaii” Orchestral Rendition by Laura Platt ♬] [Eggman] JEsus. [Knuckles] Are you guys okay? [Knuckles] Sorry Sonic knocked you over like that.
[Tails] Are you okay? Sonic! [Tails] We gotta go get the rings of friendship so that we can fix everything! [Sonic] Wait! Why am I being blamed for everything? (cast laughing) (cast laughing)
[Tails] Maybe it’s because you’re a little BITCH! (cast laughing) [SCR-HD] Beep, activating Friendship Cycle…. [Eggman] oOh, Pompeii’s shakin’ up the place.
[Knuckles & Tails] whOOa…
[Storm] Omygod [Eggman] Everybody hold onta something.
[Storm] It’s gettin’ all wavy! [Eggman] Jesus Christ- Jesus, oh god…
[Jet] This is probably fine. [Eggman] Wait- oh- oh, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with myself, I don’t know what’s gonna happen! [Eggman] If the Pompeii’s gone, there’s no vacation! [Sonic] Huh? (gasp)
[Jet] (hawk noise) [Sonic] They turned up the graphics settings! [Alfred] wh- WHH?? [Chase] Oh my god! (All characters screaming) [Eggman] What’s happening?
[Alfred] (wheezing) wh- are you fucking kidding meee? [SCR-HD] WELCOME TO THE END OF THE LINE. [Jet] Oh no! (All characters yelling “no!”) [SCR-HD] Time to activate the world’s largest SUCC. [Wave] Oh my god.
[Storm] Sonic, this is all because you were being a jackass! [Sonic] No! No, it can’t be! [Tails] I’m gonna get sucked outside!
[Knuckles] Hey, does anybody know where Amy went? [Tails] Please, SO- AAA-
[Sonic] Tails! Oh! [Sonic] I gotcha! [Eggman] (chuckling) Finally, you all can die! [Eggman] Yes! This is the chaos I wanted- seeya. [Jet] Now we have to go in there and-. [Wave] Jet, I vill follow you anyvhere. Just tell me where to go. [Sonic] We have to go in there and get the XBOX back! [Tails] Cmon, let’s go!
[Knuckles] Cyaaa! [Sonic] Whoa…
[Knuckes] YEET! [Jet] Alright. We’re playin’ the Halo 2!
[Sonic] Here we gooo! [Storm] Why are we following them? What the fu- [Jet] (hawk scream) (wheeze)
[Chase] f- OH my gOd. (assorted “the fuck?” “excUse me?” and “jEsus chrIST”s) [Sonic] OoH. [Blue] Cool JPEG. [Jet] Ugh… where..? Where ARE we? Is this XBOX? [Sonic] We’re in the world of thematic resolution, Jet. [Sonic] It’s a needed climax. [Sonic] DID YOU TAKE US HERE? [Jet] I-
[Sonic] I’m gonna kill you! (both yelling)
(cast laughing) [Blue] The fUck is happening? [Sonic] Jet, do you think I’ve been a dick to everybody? (wheezing, choked laughter) [Sonic] I need’ya to answer me, buddy, please! [Sonic] Please tell me I’m a good person. [Sonic] Please, deep down, just tell me I’m a good person. [Jet] (sigh) [Jet] Bitch… [Jet] You have been SO fuckin’ rude…. [Jet] To EVERYONE. [Jet] All the time. [Sonic] I have to go say I’m sorry! [Sonic] Right now. [Sonic] hUUh! [Jet] Ok bye!
[Sonic] Here I gOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Sonic] Here I gOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (cast laughing) [Knuckles] Hey it’s Tails! [Tails] Yeah? Whassup, Knuckles? [Tails] Y’know, I’m just really broken up about- [Knuckles] I’M broken up, in my NECK. [Tails] Oh god… My body… Just a mess of limbs and goobledeegobs… [Knuckles] whhHOOOA! It’sssure is! [Tails] Anyway-
[Sonic] Hey Tails, you look really broken up right now and I know exactly why. [Sonic] Hey Tails, you look really broken up right now and I know exactly why. [Tails] Oh do you?
[Sonic] I’m SORRY. [Knuckles] Sonic- what? [Tails] What? [Tails] You’re sorry? For what? [Tails] Say it, motherfucker, you won’t. [Sonic] I’m sorry for being a stupid smelly little bitch! (some more laughter) [Wave] Oh no, where am I going? [Sonic] Okay?! I mean it! [Sonic] I really do. From the bottom of my heart- [Sonic] Hey, Wave. [Wave] Hello. [Wave] I am here to act as ze third party. I am Tails’ therapist. [Sonic] I can’t understand a word you’re saying but that’s okay ’cause we’re all hearts and minds together! [Tails] Sonic, I need you to understand- [Breen] Hey.
[Jet] Oh dear- (cast exclaiming in confusion and laughter)
[Chase] WELCOME TO CITY SEVENTEEN- [Chase] He’s here!
[Jet] Fuck it up, fuck it up- [Breen] What’s up? So yeah. ‘member how I said ‘Welcome to City 17’ and everything? [Jet] Fuck it up, fuck it up-
[Breen] What’s up? So yeah. ‘member how I said ‘Welcome to City 17′ and everything? [Breen] Yeah. So I may have, uh, created this whole universe. [Breen] Uhh, see, we came up with this thing called SEGA and- [Breen] (screaming and grunting) [Breen] Sorry, I was thinkin’ bout Sonic Forces. [Storm] Hoo… I don’t feel so good… [Storm] Why are all my limbs slack!? [Storm] Why can’t I move my eyes!? [Storm] Why can’t I move my mouth? Is this an internal dialogue?! [Storm] I can’t see the end of the horizon- [Storm] 𝙃𝘼𝙏𝙎𝙐𝙉𝙀 𝙈𝙄𝙆𝙐? 𝙄𝙎 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙏 𝙔𝙊𝙐? [Storm] Have you fought back to come put me out of my misery?! [Storm] Please! [Storm] I don’t like feeling like a slack 3-dimensional model. [Miku] Hmm… you’re gonna have to beg a little bit harder than that, motherfucker! [Storm] (sobbing) Please! PleASE! [Storm] This is not the kind of existence I can keep going with- [Miku] What will YOU give ME?
[Storm] This is not the kind of existence I can keep going with- [Storm] I will give you the satisfaction of snuffing out another life. [Storm] Please, just this once-
[Miku] Mmmm, not sure if that’s enough. [Jet] What’s goin’ on over here, pals? [Jet] Is that fucking Hatsune Miku? [Jet] Are you asking for death from Hatsune Miku? [Miku] (brightly) YEP! [Jet] Me next, me next, me next! [Miku]
𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂𝓂 [Miku] mAYbe. [Storm] Certainly you feel this horrible diminished existence too, Jet. [Storm] I can’t be the only one who feels he is less than whole. [Storm] Please.
[Miku] What can YOU offer me? [Jet] I feel… Like, a ragdoll being manipulated. [Miku] Fuck, can’t imagine. [Red] WHAT the fuck is that? [Red] WHAT the fuck is that?
??? It’s a Strider! [♬ “Fist Bump” from Sonic Forces OST ♬]
[Miku] Hold on, lemme uh.. Lemme get that real quick. [Miku] URGH. DIE! DIE! DIE, motherfucker, DIE! [Miku] It’s not dying! [Strider] (̷̶̡̞̳͖̜͇̳͎̺͍ͨ̃͑̅̈́̅͌ͨͩ͛̌̑̇ͫ͋ͥ̓̀S̶͉̥̪̦̏ͨ̍ͤ̂͐̃ͮ̍̅̆̃͛̆̋͒͛ͮ̽͘͘ţͬͨͧ̓̓͂̐́ͬ̄̓ͨ̏͆͞͏̳͈̙̺͈̬͙͙̞̺̮̝͇̻̮̠̤͉̻r̒̈́̓͆̓͐̎͑҉̴͓̖͇͇̦̣͘i̧̳̜̗̹̣̜̣̭̘͚̅̒̎ͨ̉̑̆͑ͯͣ̑̒̔͘d̩̥͕̞͉͖̂ͨ̃̊̏̓̾ͭͬ͒̈̋͞͠ě̵̟͔̟̼͙͕͙͓̺̒͊ͣ͌̽͋ͩͬͦͦ̂̉̃͋͌ͦ͑͗̀͡͝ŗ̶̮̝͎͎̪̹͖̯̠̰̉ͭ̋͂̾͋̓ͮ́͢ͅ ̸̧̢͉̠̪̭̮͔̫̝̀́̀ͧ̀͗̇̃̓͌ͮ̈̉̏̏̂͡ͅNͪ͗̿ͦ̓ͨͩ͒̐̈̓͊̉ͦ̏͐̈̓̚͏̢̛͍̫̲͖̯̲͙̥̘̠̰̥͇̹͇̙̳̜͢͢ͅo̧̨͔͖̭͍͍̫͔̲̻ͥ̓̉̏͑͒́ị̡͔͇̜̉ͥ̒ͧͭ̎ͣ̓͡͠s̛̽͋̐͏̥̬͖̬̱̦̤͉ȩ̷̷̢̟͖̠̘̜͇̟̱̫͕̙̖͓͙͂͋ͫ̓͋̃̍̓̿͘s̺͈̖̳̗͍̮̙̬͕͎̖ͧ́ͦͫ̅̇͆ͦ͌͛͂̌̋̍̐ͪ́̕͜)̴̨̛̰̲̯͈͍̻̼̗̰̩̩̦̦̜̿͗ͬͪͧ̐ͦ̒͟ [Miku] Still not dying! [Miku] Okay one more- one more, I think, is gonna do it. [Strider] H̶̦̟͓̙̘̲̭͖̮̗̟́͐̐͆̇̎̒̉̚̚͜͝i̵̱̦͙͓͔̭̋̽̈́̇͐͆̎̀͌̀̾̿̚͠p̴̫̳̞̜̙̰̯̥̺̥̒̒̃̐͋͘͝p̷̨̨̢̱̮͉̱̘̰͚̝͊͌͋̈͒̀̿͝î̶̖̣̮̝͍̃t̴̨̖̖͔̝̜͓͙͇̂͘ͅy̵̫̹̝̖͎͎̯̤̤͉̗͇̭̫͒́̽͐̾̾ͅ ̴̞͈̲̳͓͔̘̆͛̇ͅh̵̖̻̺̘̦͑̏̍̈́̿̎̄͂͐̔̇̽̕͘͜o̷̤͖͈̩͙̖̯͖̮͍͈͎̝̔̀̾̇͗̿̾̒̄͒̕͘̚͘͜p̶̨̧̟͉̞͖̯̮̱̞̈́̈́̽́̉̍̄̂̏̍̊͝p̴͇͎̙͖̭̦̝̣̦̲͇̂̏̽̽͛̈́̀͐̌̑̔̅͜͠͠͝i̶̡̱̲͕͂̏̈́̓̀̆́̂͋̚͘ţ̴̡̣̲̲̤͎̲̜̳͊̈́̍͛̈́͒̓͌̑y̸͙̮͍̯͉̒̉͗̾̄͑̍̒̐̕,̷̠̥͙̪̎̈́̾͠ ̴̨̨̡̡͔̞̞̩̯͉̻͚̲͑̾̈́̈́̇̍͘͝͝g̵̛͉̉̎̑̉́́́͝e̶̟̩̤̞̩͈̲͂́ṫ̵̡̛͇̝̪̭̭͇̜̫̫̊̄͑́͑̎̕͠ ̶̧̨̨̪̦̙͓͔̍́̂̌ṯ̸̨̨̛̛͔̼̟̠͔͙̺̔̎̽͑̽̅̑̾͠ͅh̷͓̱̫̮̥̓̈́̚͝i̶̥̩̲͓̦̩̯̫̠̖͊̏̏̎̑̂̑̓́͘͠͝ͅş̷̨̱̺̙̟̠̞̘̝̹͚̖̎͆̿̆́̂́̇̈͋̈́̕͜ ̵̘̰̻͉̯̗͍̤̦̩̝͈̩͊͗̈́̊͆ͅw̷̧̨͕͓̣͚͚̫̖̯̰̞̟̑̓͆̏̍͑̅̈́̇̕a̷̡̲̮̘̭̖̩̪̬͇̤̿̍̔͐̽͒̊̃̽̚͜͝͠ͅỉ̴̫̼̗̜̯̠̩̲͚̳̫̣̝̘̥͑͌f̵̡̟̤͕͚̓̆̚u̶̡̙͙̪͇̥̹̻̥̝̼͐̆̏̒͂͒̋̀͜͝ ̷̝͔̪͓̘̯͚̄̑̊̓̃̎̈́͌͝o̷̖̥̠͔̟̞̝̘͚͍̻̠̮̠̯̿͌͗f̸̨̖̠͕̳̳̌͒̾͐̒̓̆̑̊͐̚f̶̢̛͖̯̼̣͎̯̼͙̜̝̜̮͈̄̑́ ̷͚͙̺͍̏̊͌̅͛̆̃͐͗̕͝m̸̢̛̻̗̤͉̖̼̳̹͙̞̩͓̫̒͆̾̈̅̈́̋͊̕͝y̷̝͒̏̅̂̀̋̔̈́͆͆ ̸̡̩̲̘̄̉̏͂̃̽̿͌̚͝ͅp̴͍̲̖͈̯̣̮͋͗̓̃̊r̵̺͉̯͇̐͐͌̕͝ǫ̶̨̜͙̤͖̤̐͑̅̓͌̓́̍p̷̥͖̲͚̖͛̒̐̀̃̀͑͐̉͂̏ẽ̷̹̝̠̹̤̣͋͑͊̃̄̾͊̀͌͜ȓ̸̞͋̓̄̓͘̕t̸͉͔͖̫̆͒͂̆̾̈́̄̾̓̆̕̚͝y̶̥͈͖̘̗̗̹̬͈͓͇̭̜̅́̈͒̋̿̑͌̿͝ [Sonic] Oh god, Hatsune Miku is DEAD! [Tails] Oh god… [Wave] No! Then who will make Minecraft 2!? [Tails] Oh no, here it comes! [Strider](̷̡̛͎̜̜͉̝͓̣͖̼̙̋̒̔͂̽S̸͖̻̩̥̙̣͎͇̰̪͌̀̏̌̽̍̍̀̂̄̔͛͘͜͠t̴̞͙̰̑̓̔͌̀̀͒̉͌́͗́r̵̜̻̬̝̀̾͊̀́́̀̚͝i̶̲͕͖̲̬͖̅̆̅̎͐̄̀͊̄̍̇̀͒͆͐d̴̽͐͗̂̀̐̾̓ͅé̴̙̹̻̙͙̼̞̗̞̾̐̂̿͋̔͝͠r̵̛̘̩̗̞̞͚̠͓̆̑͌̔̀̂̕͘̚͝ ̶̡̡̻͙̘̬͓̱̟̍b̴̘̲̖̫̯̯̜̰̳̐͌̏̈̔̾̋̀a̸̝̥͖̙̦̼̙̠̪̲̞̋̊̈́͒̿̉͋̍t̴̡̡̻̖̖̮̲͙͕̻̯̆t̴̨̙̱̙̥̺̻̠̻͕̞́̆̅̂̄̅̀̈́̂͛l̶̨̙̠͍̹̏̄͐͐ͅe̸̩̜̰̰̊̊̎͌̑ ̸̡̞̲̫̥̻͕̤̣̯̬̍̏̽̂̌̿͑̽̇ç̶̛̥͓̗̭̼̮̝̤͔͕̗̼̳͊̆́͋͑̂̋̚͘͜r̵̨̮̺̳̩̬͈̞͙̳͓̯̺̒̓͑̐̚y̷̧̛̗̠͍̲̙̲̠̮̭̣͌̊͝)̷̮̗̤̦̥̄̈́̎̓͋̌ [Knuckles] I’ll take care of this one! (fighting grunts and screams by everyone) [Wave] I am here- [Jet] Friendship kick! [Tails] Take that! [Sonic] When all of my friends are in need… [Sonic] I’ll deliver the finishing blow! [Sonic] We got the XBOX back! [Ryan] I don’t use the word “fucking stupid” loosely, [Miku] Remember meee…. [Miku] Hello? [Storm] After this experience, I don’t think I’ll ever be whole again. [Jet] Honestly? I feel pretty good about everything that happened in the hell dimension. [Jet] It’s- It’s not bad. We made friends! [Storm] A piece of me is forever soiled and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to experience again. [Jet] Wheeeeeeeeeee! [Amy] So this is why Imma write my thesis on why building your masculinity- [Tails] That sounds really interesting Amy. [Amy] I know. Building your masculinity based upon Adam Sandler’s comedy stylings is a recipe for toxicity [Amy] and will only lead to problems within the tech sector. [Amy] The XBOX, the GameCube 3, Eggman’s robots, and the Apple Watch were all symptoms of the same toxically masculine system [Tails] See Sonic? This is what happens.
[Amy] that led to Sonic’s problems. [Sonic] I understand now. I really do. [Tails] I’m really glad you figured out, ‘n changed your toxically masculine ways. [Tails] Now you can be a good boy, just like me. [Amy] And me! [Knuckles] What? (cast laughing again) [Red] What the fuck. [Miku] I’ll make sure… that… it doesn’t hurt anyone else ever again. [Miku] I’ll stay with it. On this island. On this planet. [Sonic] Is that Hatsune Miku? [Sonic] In the cl- oh you missed her. She was just here. [Amy] Wait a minute. [Amy] You guys met Hatsune Miku without me? [Sonic] Yeah, something like that. [Tails] It’s ok Amy, she wasn’t that cool. [Jet] NYEEEVROOOOM [Sonic] JET! [Sonic] I was just thinking about you!
[Jet] Hey there. [Jet] WOW! Do you wanna play some Mario Kart? [Sonic] Yeah, I do buddy. Yeah, I do. [Sonic] LET’S GO! [Jet] Wheeeeee!
[Tails] Ok, I’ll catch up with you later Sonic! [Tails] Ok, I’ll catch up with you later Sonic! [Sonic] Yeah!
[Tails] Ok, I’ll catch up with you later Sonic! [Jet] Nyoooooommmmm.
[Sonic] See you later guys! [Sonic] Sonic the Hedgehog is a good person now! [Amy] Who hasn’t learned a single fucking thing. [Jet] Horrayyy! [Sonic] YEAH! [♬ “Catch Me If You Can” (Zero Gravity version) by Runblebee ♬] ♬ No turning back we were born to dream ♬ ♬ In a world full of seeing what we never could reach ♬ ♬ Air time makes on a wind, I’d be ♬ ♬ Like life right by just a blur you see ♬ ♬ One mind, too wild, stuck in divinity ♬ ♬ Hawk tail, wing, claw — heaven sent a Jessy ♬ ♬ A speed rush tweak to a melancholy, victory ♬ ♬ Your chance don’t stand ♬ ♬ No one near my class of heat ♬ ♬ The rule of the wind is to never get beat ♬ ♬ Don’t hedge, don’t hog; you’re put to the test ♬ ♬ Like Jet, as hawk, I’ll rattle your nest ♬ ♬ I never come down, I’m high alone ♬ ♬ Bred from a genie with wings and throne ♬ ♬ Jet, fire hawk; the sky is me ♬ ♬ All for speed I was born to be ♬ ♬ Born to be! Born to be! ♬ ♬ Catch me if you can ♬ ♬ There’s no turnin’ back ♬ ♬ Reach, but never catch ♬ ♬ Catch me if you can ♬ ♬ You can’t fathom that ♬ ♬ Wonders you can have ♬ ♬ Catch me if you can ♬ ♬ Catch me if you can ♬ ♬ No turnin’ back, we were born to dream ♬ ♬ In a world full of seeing what we never could reach ♬ ♬ Air time makes on a wind, I’d be ♬ ♬ Like life right by just a blur you see ♬ ♬ One mind, too wild, stuck in divinity ♬ ♬ Hawk tail, wing, claw — heaven sent a Jessy ♬ ♬ A speed rush tweak to a melancholy, victory ♬ ♬ Your chance don’t stand ♬ ♬ Chaos in the emeralds, life is ephemeral ♬ ♬ Whatcha gonna do? Nothin’ is perpetual ♬ ♬ World domination, advanced technology ♬ ♬ Haven’t got the interest in that form of glory ♬ ♬ Put me in the air, and my speed will leave ♬ ♬ All in a shine like a miracle weave ♬ ♬ I just won’t stop; the treasure’s with me ♬ ♬ I said it before, I was born to be… ♬ ♬ Catch me if you can ♬ ♬ There’s no turnin’ back ♬ ♬ Reach but never catch ♬ ♬ Catch me if you can ♬ ♬ You can’t fathom that ♬ ♬ Wonders you can have ♬ ♬ Catch me if you can ♬ ♬ We are born to dream ♬ ♬ Nothing can’t be done ♬ ♬ Catch me if you can ♬ ♬ There’s no turning back ♬ ♬ Reach but never catch ♬ ♬ You can’t fathom that ♬ ♬ Wonders you can have ♬ ♬ Catch me ♬
Account Linking in Paladins allows you to play across multiple platforms using the same Hi-Rez account, as well as earn in-game rewards for watching our content online. To start, navigate to www.hirezstudios.com/link, and create a Hi-Rez account. Once you’ve logged in to your account, navigate to the Linked Accounts tab to view all of the options available to you. Click on Link Account under each respective platform, to be guided through the account linking process and set everything up. In this tab, you’ll also be able to link your account to Twitch, Mixer, and Steam, which gives you a chance to earn in-game rewards when viewing Paladins streams at certain times. No matter where you take Paladins, your Hi-Rez account will be with you as you progress, earn epic items, and watch your favorite content!
Rated T for Teen. ♪ ♪ ♪ Wake up, American. You guys ready? It’s time to get paid. Don’t worry.
Dima was born ready. Follow my lead. Almost at the drop zone. Get your heads in the game. Let’s put on a show. Keep up, Dallas. I’m down. Sniper! Pinging that sniper for ya. I’m taking the flank. Today is not your day, huh? I really love these grenades. Rain pain.
Rain money. You suck. You make this too easy. Lethal out. I’ve got the objective.