January 29, 2020
January 29, 2020
January 29, 2020
that you’re running now. You spent I think I said $240
million or something on ads. You’re running them,
and what I’ve read and seen online and stuff
is that you pick exactly where to air these ads,
meaning — This is what I heard, and you
don’t have to say yes or no. That if Donald Trump
happens to be in Washington, there’s extra ads in Washington. -Yes, you can do that,
but you also have different ads for different parts
of the country because different parts
of the country have issues that
they really care about. And so it’s exactly the same as
if you were selling a product. You try to target the ads to
where your likely customers are. And there’s a whole science
about this, and that’s what Facebook
and companies like that — They sell information so you
know where to send your ads, and every company does it,
and every campaign does it. -Yeah, and you — I think
you’re getting under his skin a little bit because —
-Well, I sure hope so. I’m trying.
-He’s given you a nickname, and once you get that,
you’re off to the races. [ Laughter ] -Look, if you get under his skin
and he comes back at you, it is because he thinks
that you can beat him. -Hmm.
-That’s what gets him going. And I do think that I know how
to compete with Donald Trump and beat him. And what I’ve got to do is get
through the Democratic primary so that I have that opportunity. -You’re running a Super Bowl ad.
-Super Bowl ad. -Yeah, that’s a major —
That’s a big deal. -No Clydesdales. -Oh, come on!
No spoilers. Yeah. But what will we see?
Why do a Super Bowl ad? -Well, I can’t tell you,
because if I told you, I’d have to shoot you,
but I wouldn’t want — -Appreciate that. Thanks.
-Yeah. No, the Super Bowl, because an enormous number
of people watch it, but also the press writes
about the ads in advance. They all know what the ads are
because everybody tells them ’cause you want
to get more publicity. And with all the people watching and all the extra publicity
about it, it’s worth the money. At least that’s the argument. But this is an ad
that is a very serious ad. It’s not about selling
corn chips and beer. -Mm-hmm.
-It is a serious ad about an issue that I think
the country does care about and should care about. And so whether
I get elected or not, I want people to understand
what we have to do to make this country better. [ Cheers and applause ] -You are — Your numbers are going up. You’re going up in the polls.
-Yeah. -One recent poll said that
I think you’re polling fourth. -Yeah.
-Do you pay attention to these polls and…?
-A little bit. It’s nice when the numbers
come out in your favor. When the numbers
aren’t in your favor, you say the polls don’t matter. -[ Laughs ] Yeah.
It’s like winning an Emmy. -Exactly right. You can’t
sit there all the time — Well, you’ll win an Emmy, yeah.
-Thank you. Thank you. -If I voted,
you’d be in good shape. -Thank you. I appreciate it.
All right. -No, but you have to go and
you have to just keep focusing. What I’m going to do is try
to visit as many people in as many states as I can,
answer their questions, tell them why I think
they should vote for me, why I can do the job based on my experience before
as mayor. And if they do, they do, but you can’t sit there
and worry about — The only poll that matters is when everybody goes
to the election booth. -Yeah.
-And so we’ll see. -Well, this is interesting,
because you were a registered Democrat, Independent —
is that correct — and then Republican? -Democrat, Republican,
Independent, Democrat. I know something
about partisan politics. I’ve been everything.
-[ Laughs ] Wow. So, do you think
that there’s a way that Democrats and Republicans
can work together? -Well, we have to do
something about it. There’s two reasons
to run for president. One is to replace Donald Trump,
and number two is to pull this country together,
and we are in the situation — [ Cheers and applause ] We’re in a situation
where nobody talks to each other anymore, and you go to
the Senate office buildings — They won’t even sit at
the same table and have lunch. Unless people
talk to each other, you can’t get all the good ideas
and you can’t come together to change the world so that
we can all lead a better life. It’s a disgrace
the way nobody’s talking, and somebody’s
got to pull them together, and I think I know
how to do that. I did that in New York. We had a Republican Senate
and a Democratic House and a city council that was
sort of a mixture. And I think in 12 years we got virtually every piece
of legislation we needed passed, and you do it by going
and talking to people and convincing them,
and I convinced the Republican Senate
to pass gay marriage long before anybody else
had even heard of gay marriage. And that’s —
[ Cheers and applause ]
If you’ve ever thought, “How can I be more in debt,”
this story’s for you. Uh, ticket broker StubHub
is offering loans to buy Super Bowl tickets, tickets between 5 grand
and $17,000, with interest rates
between 10% and 30%, -which means 30%.
-(groaning) This is horrifying.
You want to char– Get (bleep)ed.
First of all, it… StubHub, no offense,
is already bad enough. -Like, you’re scalping. You’re
already getting jacked. -Right. And they want to–
Uh, it’s like a new loan sh– It’s weird. Go ahead. I’m sorry.
I’m getting worked up. -I… -But it-it’s, like,
pr-priorities, right? Like, this is where we are
in America with priorities. You– If you have to get a loan to get Super Bowl tickets,
you’re an idiot. You understand.
No, for real, for real. Like, let me just tell you
where we are in America, right? I w– I watch TV1 in New York, and I watch, uh,
the Discovery Channel. So, on TV1, I watch–
there was a report that says one in ten kids in New York City
is homeless and has no idea where they’re
gonna get their next meal. And then I turn
to the Discovery Channel and I watched a turtle
get a ultrasound. Like, what-what are we doing?! -Yeah.
-What are we doing as a coun– -I mean, I know, like…
-(cheering and applause) But you know what I mean?
Like… Feed the kids! Take care of yourself. Every year, I try to sex traffic
myself to the Super Bowl. Uh, I… (laughter, applause) Every year. Yeah.
Thank you. -Uh, it often… -And can you
believe it? He’s never made it. -Yeah, I’ve never made it.
-He’s never gone once. I get–
I get a state or two away, and then I just enjoy the game
from a local bar. -State or two away.
-And, you know– -So, there-there’s ways, David.
-Yeah. If you don’t have enough money, maybe don’t go
to the Super Bowl. -Like, it’s on TV.
-Yeah. And who cares what the halftime show–
Shakira and J. Lo. It’s, like, just–
It’s elderly Latina women. Just go to a grocery store.
You’ll see ’em. -Go to the grocery store?
-Yeah. That’s– They’re there. Five grand for a seat in
San Francisco, that’s nothing. -That’s crazy. -Like,
five grand in Kansas City, I-I– -that’s, like,
a whole block of houses. -Yeah. So I get that that’s,
like, a big difference. San Francisco people,
they-they deserve that. They deserve to get ripped off. They’re-they’re rich snobs
up there. -They’re all rich… -They offer
tickets for any event. So I don’t want
to get my legs broken ’cause I had to see
Foreigner’s final tour, -you know what I mean?
-Yeah. I don’t think it’s worth it.
All right. Oh, yeah. By the way,
if you don’t pay, they send this guy to your door. Gritty! -He’s back. He’s a callback.
-(cheering and applause) He’s like, “How was
Paul McCartney?” Doosh, doosh. All right. Machu Picchu is having, uh… to up their security with drones because so many people
are going number two at the top of the hike. -(groaning)
-This is happening at Runyon a lot, too. Uh… They’re also changing the name
of the park to “Machu Poopoo.” -That’s not true.
-(laughter) That cannot be true. That sounds like a joke. -Um, I think the drones are not
actual size, I hope. -Yeah. (laughter) -I’m-I’m all in support of this.
-SPADE: Oh, good. Okay. This is great. Yeah.
I’m in a travel group. -We’re doing this very thing.
-DILLON: Yeah. We’re going… We’re gonna… We want to go
to the Taj Mahal and throw up, and we’re going to, um… -(laughter)
-SPADE: And throw up. And we’re gonna go (bleep)
at the Colosseum. -That’s, like, our last stop.
-SPADE: Excuse me! -Yeah, I’m excited.
-(applause) This is exactly what people
think American tourists do. -Yeah.
-Like, that’s what’s funny. They’ll say it metaphorically, like, “Oh, they just shit
on everything.” It’s like,
“No, really, they do.” -(laughter) -SPADE: Yeah.
-They-they genuinely do. But what are the drones
supposed to do? I mean, are they gonna
bring them toilet paper? Like, you know, it’s like,
“What are you catching me do? “I’m shitting in nature. -That’s what happens, okay?”
-SANTINO: Yeah, it’s true. The Charmin bear is out there
shitting all over trees. -(laughter)
-DILLON: Right, right, right. -And he got commercials.
-DILLON: Yeah. -Yeah.
-(applause and cheering) They’re like RoboCop.
They’re like, “Pooper. Pooper.” It’s just PornHub sponsored
these. This is all… That’s, like, shit porn.
That’s all that is. SPADE:
Yeah, that’s all it is. You want to see someone shit
on Machu Picchu? -Oh, yeah.
-Actually, isn’t it amazing…? Wouldn’t it be amazing
if you could show, like,
the ancient Mayas this photo of the drone
and the little poop? They’d be like,
“Whoa, the future is crazy!” I was in a real bathroom,
like, like, at a restaurant. This is stupid,
but it was, like, a regular one, not just a one-hitter.
It was, like, a big one. And I go in, and the guy’s
coming out of the stall, and I go, “Rough!” -You know, ’cause
it was horrible. -DILLON: Yeah. And he goes, “(bleep) you,
dude.” I go, “Oh!” Like, we were gonna get
in a fight, and I thought, this is the weirdest way
to get in a fight. I wasn’t… -That’s so weird. -Yeah, isn’t
that weird? We got in a… I… -He’s defending that
it wasn’t rough? -DILLON: Yeah. -I know. I go, “Rough, dude.”
-Yeah. -My shits are chill. -Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah, bro? I’m a chill shitter.