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The Game Industry’s Performative Concern For Children (The Jimquisition)


Rio: “Oh my GooOOood! Ha ha!” [“Born Depressed” by Drill Queen] If research and experts around the world were looking at something you were habitually doing, and these studies said that what you were doing was wrong and harmful. Would you at least stock of your behavior and wonder if maybe, just maybe, you are in the wrong? OR, do you find some other mark to blame? Welcome to the Game Industry, Church of the Eternal Scape Goat. If it’s not pirates it’s used games, if it’s not used games it’s the IGNORANCE of the parents. Those ignorant swines. For you see, that is what’s being implied with the (high-pitched, mocking tone) Get Smart About P.L.A.Y. campaign! The latest campaign by the game industry to pass the buck onto entities that are not themselves. In fact, don’t take my word for it, take the word of this here video starring Rio Ferdinand! Rio: “The Get Smart About P.L.A.Y. campaign” “provides parents and guardians with practical tips” “on how to achieve balance,” “and set parameters on the amount of time and money you spend on play.” Child 1: “Shoot shoot shoot shoot!”
Rio: “Oh noooo! Haha!”
Child 2: “Oh come on!” “It’s all about understanding what games your child is playing.” “Stop moaning about, give me the ball.” “Learning how to install parental controls” “can limit time, spend, or interactions with other players.” “Discussing about the amount of game time, and agreeing limits together.” Child 1: “What’re you doing?!”
Rio: “Hahaha!” Remembering that the controls for you,” “as a parent or guardian, in the driving seat.” (excited shouts, cheering, and laughing) “You wouldn’t give your child a bike without providing a helmet and stabilizers.” Jim: What? WHAT? Stabilizers on a kid’s bike? Is that where you’re going with this? Is that what this has come to? You’re comparing protecting kids from microtransactions in games to putting stabil- THE TWO THINGS AREN’T EVEN VAGUELY COMPARABLE! You know a kid can get seriously hurt if a kid falls off a bike. Are you SURE you want to compare videogames to that? I mean, for one thing, the bike industry didn’t put the pavement down, and isn’t hiding in a bush with a stick to jam in the kid’s spokes! Because if you wanna compare videogames to falling off a bike, that’s your role in this, Game Industry. You fu– uh, stabil– (stutters incredulously) WHAT?! Rio: “The same can be said for videogame consoles comparing to–”
Jim (yells offscreen): “IT. CAAAAN’T!” Rio: “Yessssss!! Pat whose back, pat whose back?”
Jim (yells offscreen): “It explicitly can’t be said!” Rio: “Parental controls are straight-forward.” “Head to www.askaboutgames.com to find a step-by-step guide.” Rio: (sighs) “Lucky boys.” Rio: “You alright? You alright?”
Child 1: “Yeah.”
Child 2: “You get lucky every time!” Rio: “What do you mean I got lucky? You got beat.” Today’s video is dedicated to all the game industry executives out there, especially those plucky little guys sitting right at the top of the corporate structure. I’m talking about such adorable characters as Bobby Kotick, Yves Guillemot, and ha ha ha haaa of course, Android Wilson. To those hardworking cats with such thankless jobs I say SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! Like just shove EVERYTHING up your ass. Your companies? Shove them up your ass. Your disgusting business models? Shove them. Up your ass! This Disney Parks commemorative Mr. Potato Head mug? Right up the ass. Right into the hole of it. This right here, this latest attempt by the industry to shift responsibility for its bullshit onto other people, is shockingly transparent, even by the standards of the game industry. The (high-tone mock) “Get Smart About P.L.A.Y.” campaign is yet another bid to divert attention away from what modern videogames are doing with their vampiric economies, and place the blame for it all squarely on the shoulders of parents. (mocks) “P.L.A.Y.” has been setup by the UK Interactive Entertainment Association or (mocks) “ukie!” for short, essentially UK’s answer to the ESA, and it’s even roped in football-playing man Rio Ferdinand to help out with its pathetic and cowardly propaganda campaign. So, what is (mocks) “P.L.A.Y.”? Well it’s a fun acronym that’s fun because it’s an acronym intended to instruct parents on how to stop videogames from tricking thousands of dollars out of children. It stands for (high, mocking tone) “P – Play with your kids.” “Understand what they play and why.” “L – Learn about family controls!” (increasingly high pitch) “Visit askaboutgames.com for simple, step-by-step guides.” “A – Ask what your kids think!” “Discuss ground rules before setting restrictions.” “Y – You’re in charge.” “Set restrictions that work for your family.” [Very slowed down vocalization ending with “ha ha ha”] Life is so much more fun with acronyms, and now parents know exactly how to stop videogames preying on their kids! Congratulations, game industry! You’ve done it! You’ve saved the children! Wheeeeeeee! Buuuuuut, you know the best way to stop videogames preying on kids, don’tcha publishers? Stop making videogames that DO IT, YOU FUCKING DOLTS. Fuck having to instruct parents on protecting their kids from videogames made for kids! I mean, informing parents after the fact has become a necessity, but Jesus fucking Christ, have you ever stopped to think have ANY of you fucked up little monsters stopped to think about how fucking ludicrous it is that you’re having to warn parents about videogames literally aimed at children? I mean, didja?! For just a second, maybe, did any of you at (mocks) “ukie!” Did any of you companies benefiting from Ukie’s coverup? Did any of you wonder what it looks like when games rated for ages 3 and up need parental fucking restrictions?! That’s what the age rating system is meant to be FOR. You absolute fucking worms! But nontheless, that’s what y’all are doing. You’re informing parents that games rated for literal 3-year-olds still need parental controls to stop them from targeting and exploiting children! And it’s absolutely fucking stunning that no authorities have stopped you yet to ask why you think this is okay, or a good look, or something any right-minded individual wouldn’t question? But that’s what this entire campaign, designed to pass the buck onto parents, is hinged on! (mocking impression) “Only one in five parents of children who spend money in videogames” “use the family controls available on gaming devices.” “This is backed up by a 2019 NSPCC study” “that revealed just 19% of parents of children aged 5 to 15” “use family controls on internet-connected devices.” There’s a point we’ve made before that bares repeating; if a videogame needs adult security measures, it shouldn’t be rated as suitable for children. Simple. As. You don’t need parental locks when letting a child watch Dora the fucking Explorer. Dora’s not gonna turn round, and ask the children for a few bucks before she’ll let her chimp teach her how to count ten! Or whatever it is Dora does, I’m not familiar with her entire curriculum. But the point is, basically all entertainment rated suitable for children doesn’t need its content age-gated, because they’re rated as suitable for the fucking age of the fucking CHILDREN! The fact that content suitable for children IS suitable for children applies to pretty much every entertainment medium. Except videogames. Which, apparently, get to be the exception and are considered safe for minors despite those minors needing to be protected from the thing that’s considered safe for minors! Well it’s not parents’ fault that you’re a bunch of reckless, amoral scams artists who have been gleefully racking in cash from vulnerable people for years now and are only engaging in weak performative concern AFTER governments around the world looked into your shady microtransactions. And those governments don’t like what they see, do they? They see your randomized rewards hidden in premium lootboxes, and found them mechanically and psychologically indistinguishable from gambling. Because lootboxes, as we all know by now, ARE gambling. Just like I’ve said for half a fucking decade. And you, game publishers, have only yourselves to blame if you get in trouble for it. You pushed the envelope of acceptable monetization to see what you could get away with. You pushed and you pushed and you took it too far. Now as regulators continue to examine your down-right predatory business tactics, you put on a show of proactivity, while kicking the attention onto the parents of your PREY. Something else well worth mentioning here, is while the game industry is telling parents to get smart, the game industry is also finding ways to circumvent its own rules. Or is it circumnavigate? I always get the two mixed up, but ANYWAY. We’ve already seen with games like the recent Crash Team Racing re-release. Where they will put microtransactions in weeks after the title’s launch! AFTER rating bodies like PEGI or the ESRB have already rated it and not mentioned the in-game purchases. Now while those games do eventually get re-rated, that doesn’t stop the companies from selling them to people without those warnings for weeks! Even when they knew full-well the microtransactions were coming. Post-launch microtransactions are one way in which game publishers are able to make a mockery of the systems that are in place for their benefit! I mean, that’s why the ESRB put that in-game purchases warning on its rating system to begin with. Not because it was genuinely concerned about kids, but because it was paying lip service to the whole thing. It was saying look, we’re being proactive, we’re doing something. We warn people! It was there to cover the publishers’ backs. And the publishers STILL had to take the piss out of it. “Get Smart About P.L.A.Y.” says the industry from one corner of its mouth, and from the other, it’s doing its best to dazzle and confuse and delude its own audience! So… which is it to be? Ya fuck rags. Ooohh companies love bringing up parental controls, it’s their ultimate saving throw! Or so they think. Whenever a kid blows their family’s life savings on FIFA, and outlets like the BBC ask for comment, Electronic Arts refuses to comment. And instead refers reporters to guides on how parental restrictions work. Yet again unwittingly reinforcing the idea that we need to re-examine what games are suitable for under-aged audiences. In their minds, of course, these companies believe they’re reinforcing a different argument. The argument being that it’s on the parents to make sure FIFA isn’t swindling cash out of under-aged players using gambling mechanics. It often feels like game publishers are deliberately trying to evoke the controversies of the late 90s and 2000s. The scare mongering about violent content in videogames and whether or not children played them. Back then, the exact same defense was used. Parents should watch what their children play and make sure they don’t get their hands on such titles as Mortal Kombat, Grand Theft Auto, or Star Ocean: Till the End of Time. Most of us game pundits at the time took the side of the game industry and agreed that any parents concerned about violent content, shouldn’t let their kids play inappropriate games. But of course, the major difference back then, was that games unsuitable for minors WERE rated as unsuitable for minors. And parents can more easily understand blood and gore versus an innocently-framed football game running a con on their children. The very IDEA that a game like FIFA could bankrupt someone because they let a child play it, is a bizarre concept to any ordinary human being. In that regard, a campaign like Get Smart About P.L.A.Y. is vital. But the videogame industry is the last fucking entity that should be running it. Parents should be informed how the medium uses both positive and negative feedback loops to encourage more spending. How the medium fixes its own odds, and can patch those odds on the fly. How the medium engineers games to be less rewarding, and more grinding experiences, UNLESS microtransactions are purchased. All parents should be shown that fucking talk by Torulf Jernström. They should be shown all those stories about the thousands of dollars so-called “whales” have spent compulsively on games. They should be told everything about the business tactics of videogames and the kind of people those tactics target. Will you tell them that, Ukie? Will that be part of your (mocks) “Get Smart About P.L.A.Y.” campaign? Will Rio fucking Ferdinand tell parents about ANY of that shit which sits in the shade of your shitty little underbelly? No. Of fucking course not. Because none of the executive shitstains in charge really care about protecting people. If they did, they’d tell ’em everything. You gaggle of parasitic bastards wanna keep putting gambling in games marketed towards children. You wanna keep your unsustainable victim-based economies afloat for as long as possible. You don’t want to compromise one tiny little fucking bit, do you? You wanna face NO accountability, no responsibility, you want to just keep making that money until the bubble inevitably bursts and you won’t even take responsibility for that, will you? That’ll be on the employees underneath you. The ones who get laid off when you fuck up. Rio: “Oh my GooOOood! Ha ha!” Do any of these corporate campaigns ever actually DO anything beyond a web page? Now that I think of it, that seems to be something many industries do. They setup these alleged safety campaigns, grab a random celebrity who’s not doing anything to provide a couple quotes, and that seems to be the last we ever fucking hear of ’em. A year from now will “Get Smart About P.L.A.Y.” be touring schools, reaching out to the community, continuing its bold effort to inform parents? Or will it simply stay as this one web page that executives can direct journalists to in a craven bid to avoid answering any tough questions? I would stake my money on the latter, but gambling in this context wouldn’t be entirely tasteful. Regardless, there’s a reason why this campaign, which means less than fucking nothing, is so concerned with kids. You focus on the children because you CAN blame the parents, there’s someone responsible for them that you can pass the buck on to. That’s why “Get Smart About P.L.A.Y.” even exists. It exists to frame the discussion about lootboxes and microtransactions as a purely child-centric issue. And of course children are just one aspect. The fucking snakes of this industry, you fucking snakes. You never address the problem gamblers and compulsive shoppers you so frequently and callously target. There are no parental figures you can sweepingly implicate on that thorny issue. You don’t dare acknowledge the adults in exploitable positions whom you shamelessly exploit. The best you can do there, is try to desperately re-brand lootboxes as “surprise mechanics” and pretend none of those problems exist, instead framing the existence of predatory microtransactions as “player choice!” Without mentioning that you, and only you, you the industry, CHOSE to fill your product up to the brim with fucking poison, go get fucked. This whole campaign is a thinly-veiled case of you telling parents how to rescue their kids from YOU. Basically, you’re a wolf telling sheep how not to get eaten. And your whole campaign stinks like bad beef behind a radiator your fucking clods. I think it’s only fitting that following the unveiling of this campaign, which will go nowhere by the way, we had NHS mental health director Claire… …Murdoch, said that the game industry was setting kids up for addiction by introducing them to gambling mechanics. She said “Frankly no company should be setting kids up for addiction” “by teaching them to gamble on the content of these loot boxes.” “No firm should sell to children loot box games with this element of chance,” “so yes, those sales should end.” And more things did she say! But it’s too hot in this studio so I won’t sit here reading that because I’ve got to get out because I decided that I’ll setup a studio in Mississippi and have four lights pointed right at me, they’re like three feet away. And then I’d have on the tie, and a jacket, and a hat! And my voice got… high. -er. Higher. I don’t know, thank God for me, I’m out of ideas today. I’m done. I’ve gone.. back on my phone. This is how I live. This is literally how I live, I just stand here… …looking at my phone, dressed like this, constantly. [cell phone thunks] [Jim inhales, sighs.] [silence continues] (murmurs) Windy out… (Jim offscreen) Captions by Erin “CaHILL. Cahill. CAhill.” [[Second was right, Jim ^_~]] I keep forgetting to ask Justin to put her name in the.. ..in the credits, but… [[It’s okay! :D]] she does the subtitles that… yeah.

Alienware turned a gaming PC into a Nintendo Switch


– What if a Nintendo Switch was also a full Windows 10 gaming PC? (glitch hop beat) This is Alienware’s Concept UFO which it’s announcing
at CES 2020 this year and it’s basically that. This is an early concept. We don’t know price, we don’t know release date. We don’t even know if the final product will even look anything like this. But it’s really the idea that
Alienware is gunning for here, which is to kind of complete
that circle of gaming. Alienware makes desktops
and Alienware makes laptops. And now they want something that you can take really
anywhere and play anywhere. It’s a full-fledged Windows 10 PC. They won’t tell us
anything about the specs, we don’t know what
processor or GPU it has. But we do know that
it’s running Windows 10, that it has an eight-inch screen, has a battery, and you can play full-fledged
PC games basically anywhere. (synth pop music) This would sort of pave the way for this. It kind of showed that there was a market that people want to be able to play full console quality games on the go, and this kind of feels like the next step, which is not port games or bring them down to the Switch’s level. But just to run those
games that you already own. You could, in theory,
just load up Steam on this and play all your regular
existing PC games anywhere. The hardware here is
really what you’d expect if you took an Alienware gaming laptop, especially one of the newer ones, and kind of shrunk it
down into a handheld form. You’ve got these very angular designs, you’ve got the honeycomb
vents on the back, you’ve got Alienware font. Of course one of the cool
things is the controllers, which detach right off. There’s a hub unit which is sort of like the
Joy-Con controller dock where you can dock these
two controller halves and use it like a regular controller. Controller feels great, the joysticks feels great, the buttons are nice and clicky. This hedge unit, which has the battery, the PC, the CPU, can also then be stood up with
the kickstand on the back, which just unfolds. So you can prop it up, you can pop the controllers off, and then you can just put
it up on the table and play. Alienware says it’s 900 grams, which is like 1.9 pounds. It feels pretty good to hold in your hand. What you can also do is you can plug this into
an external monitor. You plug a regular USBC
cable into the top over here. (synth music) Alienware isn’t talking
what kind of panel this is in terms of display resolution. It can run games at up to 1200p, which again isn’t 4K HD quality. But especially when you’re
this close to the screen, it doesn’t seem to matter as much. This isn’t the most demanding game, but this looks way better than it does, say, on a Switch. And it performs great. There’s no lag, there’s no stuttering, reflections look good. There’s a lot of things that Alienware’s still gonna have to solve before this is actually a compelling device that you can buy. Obviously battery life is huge issue. Alienware wouldn’t talk about that. But if you’re running
full-fledged PC games on a full-fledged PC on batteries in something
that you can fit in your hand, that’s obviously a thing that they’re gonna need to work out. And I would not expect to get more than a couple
of hours of this at best. Heat is also a big thing. Even just playing a game here, you could hear the fans
kicking up and they are loud. (fans whirring) Again, you’re holding a
gaming PC in your hand. There’s gonna be sacrifices and
that’s gonna be one of them. That’s Concept UFO. Again, it’s still an early concept, there’s still a lot of the
details that we don’t know. We don’t even know if
Alienware’s ever gonna sell it. But at least on this idea, I’m a big fan. And again, while these are early concepts, they’re really functional. They work, they’re
running active hardware. I’m playing Rocket League on this thing, which is a lot more than we
usually see from concepts. Which could indicate that
these are farther along than you might necessarily think. Thanks so much for watching. For more great videos like this, make sure to keep it locked
to The Verge YouTube channel. We’ll have tons of stuff
out of CES all week. I’m terrible at Rocket League. Please don’t hold this against me.

The Most Influential Game Of The Decade (The Jimquisition)


[character shouts in fear] [“Born Depressed” by Drill Queen] Hi there, gang! It’s the year 2020! [magical twinkling sound] Yeah, it’s 2020. Hooray. It started with the promise of war, And… it’s the primer for the cosmic cook-off that is this planet’s ultimate future, so… Let’s… look back at the last decade! Mm? I don’t normally like to do retrospective things outside of the year. I try and, you know, do a retrospective of the decade within it. Although people do like to point out, smugly, that 2021 is the start of the decade because zeroes. Don’t listen to them. This is the start of the new decade. But there’s not a lot to look forward to. So we’re gonna look back a little bit more just cling on to the past and we will deal with the upcoming decade. [murmurs] What the fuck is that? Oh! Oh. It’s a camera… …plastic… mount… With the glasses on and against the carpet, it looked like a poo. [quietly] But it wasn’t. What was the most influential game of the decade known as the 2010s? Or the 10s? Or the “Taugnties”? Or the “Tensies”? Or the “Teensies”? Craig! Craig, are these fucking real? …WHAT?! Anyway, that 2010 decade has all wrapped up and if we get that World War 3 everyone’s talking about, we might not have much of a 2020s, so let’s look back on the decade that was and enjoy a little bit more retrospective. Let’s just keep looking back. Keep looking back, the past can’t hurt you, it already happened. Only the future will kill you. There’s been a lot of talk about the best games of the decade, the worst games of the decade, and the most influential games. We’ve done plenty of good and bad talk here so today, I want to look at those games that have had the most influence, that informed future game design, inspired the games developed in their wake, or otherwise had some major impact on the medium. But “influence” is a broad church it doesn’t necessarily have to mean the most popular game. It doesn’t even need to be a good game at all to have been the most influential. Is the most influential game simply the best game? The most popular game? The one that inspired many copies? The one that gained the most pop culture traction? Or is it the worst game? The one that inspired the most mockery, the one that served as a warning to other developers. I’ve seen it argued that The Witcher 3, for example, is one of the most influential games of the decade, but is that really true? The Witcher 3 is one of the past decade’s most critically-acclaimed games, that much is true. It’s a game that has been played by millions, with an active player base still going strong today even breaking concurrent player records recently, following The Witcher series on Netflix. But, was The Witcher 3 influential across the game industry? When we look around at the state of the industry since tThe Witcher 3’s 2015 release, it doesn’t look like much of its quality has been aped by the mainstream market. Where The Witcher 3 uses an open world to tell not one, but dozens of fully-written, single-player story-driven quests, its peers in the “AAA” space have used open worlds to release barely finished, threadbare “live service” games with a strong emphasis on social interactions among players. Where The Witcher 3 boasted full DLC expansions like Blood and Wine, most comparable games still rely on microtransactions, which are easier to implement and stand to make more money potentially. You know, depending on how many players they can target and hoodwink. The Witcher 3 is a great game, and rightly beloved by its large audience, but one of the reasons it stands out most today is that it didn’t see too many pretenders to its throne. In the latter half of the 2010s, most game publishers in the mainstream area were too busy hopping aboard the “live service” gravy train. In fact, it could be argued that The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim was far more influential than The Witcher 3. Hear me out! While games in a post-Witcher 3 world moved away more and more from Witcher-like experiences, Skyrim released right at the start of the 2010s when the “live service” gravy train was but a mere push-trolley, and it was followed by games trying to chomp its flavor. With good cause, too! Despite what Bethesda has become these days, Skyrim was a true game changer way back when it released in 2011. A game of that size, scale, and ambition at the time turned quite a few heads. We take it for granted now, but Skyrim at the time was remarkable for its depth and scale and sheer volume of stuff to do. And games that followed took quite a few cues from Bethesda’s work. Dragon’s Dogma, for instance, was an explicit attempt by Capcom to design a Skyrim-like game. Dragon Age: Inquisition married BioWare’s typical approach to RPG design with Bethesda’s large-scale world building. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild owes many of its shifts away from a traditional Zelda experience to the groundwork Skyrim laid down. Almost a decade on and it can be hard to realize exactly what an impact Skyrim, long since overexposed thanks to endless re-releases, made on the RPG genre and game design as a whole. To say nothing of the effect it had on media at the time. In fact, it became referenced to a ridiculous degree, as famously emphasized by Adam Kovic of Machinima when he notoriously said Far Cry 3 was “Like Skyrim with guns.” As mocked as that statement became, it provides a snapshot of an era when Skyrim was THE thing other games got measured against. But when it comes to inspiring copycats and increasingly strained comparisons, Dark Souls may have Skyrim beat. Now, Dark Souls was not the first game of what would become known as Soulsborne series following, as it did, 2009’s Demon’s Souls which was a bloody great game by the way. But! While Demon’s Souls was both an excellent game and a cult hit, it wasn’t until Dark Souls that FromSoftware’s cyclical experience and challenging, methodical gameplay went mainstream. Now Dark Souls is an incredible videogame and remains among my most-played titles today. It also did what Doom did back in the 90s and inspired a wave of follow-ups from other studios trying to get in on that hot new action. The Soulslike has become a full subgenre, and while the name may change one day the way Doom Clone did, although maybe not, we still have Metroidvanias and Roguelikes, the hallmarks a clearly defined. Games that emphasize careful combat with a need to balance stamina limits between offense and defense, checkpoints that respawn defeated enemies in exchange for healing the player, leaving something behind upon death that can be lost unless retrieved, and a general sense of tough but fair challenge. These are all part of a typical Soulslike, which range from worthy successors to weak pretenders. Lords of the Fallen, the Surge series, Nioh, Code Vein, Salt & Sanctuary, Blasphemous, Ashen, Dead Cells, Hollow Knight, they’re all either full on Soulslike or owe a significant portion of their design to FromSoftware. The series has inspired endless memes as well, and reached a point where things like “Praise the Sun” and “You Died” are known even by people who don’t play the game. And as for drawing comparisons, well it’s reached a point where “The Dark Souls of (insert genre here)” has become a thoroughly beaten horse. It has, in fact, become the… Dark Souls of comparisons… ugh forget it. Of course, it’s not just the “AAA” space that can boast influential games. One of the standouts this decade was, of course, Undertale. Toby Fox’s inventively-charming RPG played not just with its genre but with videogames as a medium, and had a lot to say about the people who play them. In the indie space, Undertale did inspire a few games to follow in its wake. Such as the incredible Pony Island. And the sheer dedication of its fanbase, the endless jokes and memes and pop culture insinuation, that can all make a case for its influential nature. Undertale certainly had enough clout to get Sans into Super Smash Bros, kinda, while AEW star Kenny Omega strolled onto TNT’s Wednesday Night Dynamite fully decked out in cosplay gear using Megalovania as his entrance theme. And Kenny, if you’re watching, can I be on your television program? Ha ha ha! Only joking, I know you’re not watching this. Now, influence is not automatically positive as we established at the beginning. Gríma Wormtongue influenced Théoden King, Jagi influenced Shin, and semi-poisonous hallucinogens influenced the Cats movie. The game industry is full of bullshit, and that bullshit doesn’t come from just anywhere. So-called “AAA” game publishers have demonstrated time and time again that if one shitty idea gains traction, they’ll copy it. Over and over and over. Many unpopular or annoying videogame practices started with a single game. For example, 2011’s LA Noire is commonly noted to be the first game boasting a season pass featuring as it did a Rockstar Pass promising new playable missions, as well as a pair of outfits and a challenge mode. Around the same time, 2011’s Mortal Kombat dabbled with the concept, because of course it did. Publisher Warner Brothers is a bag of dicks. From there, the concept of the season pass has taken off to ludicrous degrees, with most mainstream games offering some way for the audience to pay for content that literally doesn’t exist yet. Once publishers realized they could get you to pre-order DLC and most people wouldn’t question it, they realized they could get away with anything. Now even full-priced games have much of the content planned for long after purchase. And as we head into a new decade, the idea that what you buy at launch is just a taste that can be fleshed out with additional purchases has become a widespread, sadly normalized, thing. Two games from Electronic Arts can be credited as testing the waters and getting away with one of my biggest and most infamous bugbears, good ol’ microtransactions in premium priced games. Dubbed “fee to pay” by myself, $60 titles with ongoing, psychologically manipulative micropayments were dabbled with by Mass Effect 3 in 2012 and Dead Space 3 in 2013. EA experimenting in the first game and solidifying in the second. Microsoft would then normalize the concept for a new generation, with Xbox One launch titles like Ryse: Son of Rome and Crimson Dragon glomming onto microtransactions immediately to set the tone going forward. This toxic stew of greed-fueled games from EA and Microsoft took the popular model of free-to-play games and exploited it for full-priced, big-budget titles. And once they got away with it, their filth spread across the entire industry. Now microtransactions are fucking everywhere, and they’re here to stay. Thanks, EA! Thanks, Microsoft! [mutters] Ya bunch of sperm. Then there are loot boxes, oh yes. Like microtransactions, they started on mobile and are fucking everywhere now, but one game absolutely made ’em popular. That game is, of course, Overwatch. As I’ve said before, Overwatch is to loot boxes what Resident Evil is to survival horror. It didn’t originate, but it was THE perpetuator. Team Fortress 2 introduced the loot box concept to mainstream games way back in 2010, and in the time between then and Overwatch’s 2016 release, roughly ten games implemented loot boxes in some capacity. After Overwatch’s release where loot boxes proved successful, and people actually defended them at the time, over 22 games featured lootboxes in just over a year. Those who still go to bat for Blizzard like to claim FIFA was far more influential in terms of introducing gambling to games, even coining the term “Wilson Box” to describe lootboxes, so-named after EA’s robotic CEO Android Wilson. A term contrived to create an intrinsic link between lootboxes and Electronic Arts, instead of Activision Blizzard. But all signs point to Overwatch as the game that truly inspired publishers to push that poison onto the general public. But if Overwatch made them normal and a cool thing to do in the game industry, it can be argued that Star Wars Battlefront II, a grossly erroneous overstep from EA, had a grand part to play in damaging their credibility. After using loot boxes to bring pay-to-win mechanics to Star Wars, the fan backlash was massive to the point where legislators got involved, and more serious talks were had about the socioeconomic impact of videogame monetization. EA chose to be amazingly avaricious even by its own standards and absolutely chose the wrong game to do it with. A Star Wars game! A game even non-gaming reporters at mainstream outlets could understand because Star Wars. So of course they fucking reported on it! And now we have gambling commissions across the world looking at lootboxes and saying “You know what?” “That looks an awful lot like gambling.” While loot boxes are still popular, especially in the mobile market’s underbelly, they became untenable for all but the most shameless of companies. Between them, Overwatch and Star Wars Battlefront II had major influence on the decade’s most controversial money-making tactic. And then there’s Fortnite. You see, while we can sit here and talk about the games most familiar and popular titles among long-term game players, we cannot understate the sheer mass appeal of Epic Games’ Fortnite, which is so mainstream it makes what I call a mainstream game look positive niche. I mean, they unveiled content for The Rise of Skywalker in Fortnite! Content that should have, y’know, BEEN in Rise of the Skywalker but instead was sectioned off for a shameless publicity stunt. What a fucking mess of a film. What a fucking m- and I don’t need your hot takes, by the way, about how it’s actually good. I realize we’re in the backlash to the backlash phase, the back-backlash now to Rise of the Skywalker reactions. But it’s st- uh, ugh. It’s a bad film. Anyway, Fortnite has turned dance moves into real-life fads, especially the ones it stole. Practically fucking everybody knows what Fortnite is, millions have played it from those deeply into videogames to the lightest casual player, and it makes more than enough money per day to make the average person violently sick. As well as that, it popularized the battle pass which looks set to be the hot new thing and may lead to in-game premium subscriptions as seen with Fallout 76’s Fallout 1st debacle. [yells aside] A hundred dollars a year subscription for Fallout 76?! [yells aside] Fucking what?! Licky licky WHAT?! Fortnite’s crossed over with The Avengers, Batman, Stranger Things, the fucking NFL. It will have crossed over with fucking Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em by the time this sentence is finished! And the Battle Royale genre absolutely exploded thanks to it. PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds may have had the first taste of mass appeal in the genre, and mods in open worlds games like DayZ and Rust may have originated it, but Fortnite blew everything out of the water and inspired dozens upon dozens of knockoffs, as well as battle royale modes in series like Call of Duty and Fallout. But if you roll your hipster eyes at Fortnite being called the most influential game of the 2010s, you’ll pull them out your fucking head when I say, with some confidence, what the most influential game actually was. And that game is… Clash of Clans. When we get down to the wire, whether we talk about critically-acclaimed games like The Witcher 3, inspirational, genre-creators like Dark Souls, or mass market smashes like Fortnite, there’s no getting away from the fact that a freemium strategy game on mobile was more than likely the most influential thing over the course of this decade following its 2012 release. I know for a bloody fact it’s hugely influential because, as I’ve noted in past videos, Clash of Clans has consistently been one of three games that industry executives reference. In fact, to some executives, the ones that come from other industries outside of games, Clash of Clans is one of only three games that they even acknowledge exists, alongside Call of Duty and Candy Crush. These three games are the unholy trinity of greed-fueled publishers. A trinity I’ve handily abbreviated to C-C-COD-COC. In its own market, Clash of Clans inspired hundreds of mobile strategy games that aped not just its gameplay but its art style. Look at all these icons! Outside of that market, the sheer wealth its microtransactions accumulated did not go unseen by “AAA” publishers, hungry for some of that sweet Do Re Mi. One of the reasons given by Visceral Games for Dead Space 3’s fee-to-pay bullshit was the popularity of freemium models on mobile, and Clash of Clans has been THE gold standard for most of the decade. In 2015 the game was raking in 1.5 million dollars a day. By 2018 it had generated more revenue than any other mobile app, ever. Its freemium model was copied by big budget publishers who saw no reason to actually make their games free. Its success has spawned legions of knock-offs. Like Fortnite, almost everyone knows what it is. Maybe Fortnite would have exerted more influential if it’d released earlier in the 2010s, but over the course of the past ten years, Clash of Clans has exerted more influence over the people pulling the levers of the game industry, and that’s the sad fact. No matter what brilliant games you like. No matter their quality, their cultural traction, their fandom or their respect, none of them were as important in shaping this generation as Clash of fucking Clans. So enjoy thinking about that. Oh yeah Minecraft’s come out this decade and all. …that was pretty popular. Eagle-eyed viewers may have spotted that there wasn’t really any mention of Nintendo and no, it’s not because I’m biased. It’s a similar reason to The Witcher 3, really. But more so, because Nintendo tends to exist in its own little bubble doing its own little thing. And I feel that’s been consistent of them for the past two decades, really. They get on with their own thing. I mean, last generation they inspired a lot of motion control stuff. But it didn’t really take off. So even then, they influenced the fad, but maybe not the whole decade. But that was the decade before the one we’re even looking at, so… Don’t even get me off-topic ya cheeky goose. [mutters] I don’t know what I meant by that. Um… But all things considered, one thing I can say in Nintendo’s favor and you can take this to the bank, is the Switch was easily my favorite system this past decade. Easy. Maybe one of my, well, ONE of my favorite systems ever. Possibly my favorite one. We would- well you know, I’d have to test it in a lab, to fully commit to it, but yeah, of the decade? Easy, bang-up job. Love the Switch. Can play Resident Evil 4 on it. You know, what other system could do that? Thank God for me. [“Stress” by Jim’s Big Ego]

CGRundertow UNCHARTED: FIGHT FOR FORTUNE for PlayStation Vita Video Game Review


The Uncharted series has provided some of
the most memorable moments on the Playstation 3, and then took its talents to the Vita with
Golden Abyss and done the exact same thing. Well now Uncharted returns to the Vita, but
not in the form you might expect, exchanging polished cinematics and climbing, for card
battles and strategy. That’s right, Uncharted: Fight for Fortune is a downloadable, cheap
Uncharted themed card battle game. But like the other games in the series, it is just
as addicting and fun to pick up. As mentioned, this is a card battle game.
Nathan Drake has found himself smashed into a two-dimensional world where winning a fight
is less about his trigger finger speed, and more about his reasoning and planning. The
battles take place in phases or turns, each with its own objective and thinking. First
you need to pick a character from one of three categories, either heroes, villains, or mercs.
Each has an attack strength and defense, so you must choose wisely. After you have selected
your Nathan Drake, or Elana etc, you put them into play in one of five spots. After you have that figured out, it’s time
to do what Uncharted does best, digging for fortune. Ok, it’s little less exciting this
time around, but exciting nonetheless. Fortune cards help you earn fortune, which is basically
your currency. You can attach them to card and earn fortune the next turn, or bank them
immediately but for much less. Then comes resource cards, which enhances your current
cards or attacks your opponents. These range from adding defense to attack strength, to
directly attacking your opponent or their cards. These however cost fortune points,
adding just another layer to this already delicious card battling cake. This all sounds
a little too complicated, and your first couple matches will see you struggling. But the game
does have a nice tutorial that easily breaks everything down. There are a few different ways to play. There
is the single player, which does a good job with opponent AI that will definitely challenge
you. But a game like this really shines in the multiplayer, which has online and pass
and play. You actually get a day or two to make a play, so it makes for great pick up
and play and you can have multiple games going at once. A real nice touch. And everything has a nice presentation and
look, with nice card designs and colors. Uncharted Fight for Fortune is a bold move,
taking Uncharted away from the familiar and into something completely new. It’s cheap
and fun, and welcoming for more.

Top Ten Shittiest Games Of 2019 (The Jimquisition)


[Music] 2019 has been a hell of a year. In the game industry there has been some bullshit, but there’s also been some top-quality titles. Capcom’s been on a tear with the Resident Evil 2 remake, and Devil May Cry 5, a Plague Tale: Innocence, and Disco Elysium gave us some some strong, narratively-driven experiences. The Outer Worlds! Was the spiritual successor to Fallout: New Vegas that we were all clamoring for in the wake of Fallout 76. There are some titles that I wanted to give shout-outs to that we didn’t even have room for, when we were giving out our Best of the Year. Games like Children of Morta, Blasphemous. But! …This is the game industry. And the game industry is full of swill. Swill that must be cataloged! Swill that must be immortalized! Swill that must find its way into the vault of the Shittiest Game of the Year Awards. So here we are once more, with the Top Ten Shiiiiiiiiiitiest Games of 2019. [Upbeat music] Take it away, Skeletor! (as Skeletor) “Nyyyaaa Anthem!” Anthem is a complete waste of time, money, and effort on everybody’s part. Not just the customers’, but the developers’ and publisher as well. One of the most pitiful attempts to jump on board the “live service” gravy train (outside of Fallout 76) [lid shut, fire] BioWare’s departure from critically-acclaimed RPGs to boring, repetitive, severely-under cooked “looter shooters” should leave a lot to be desired. Except it’s Anthem. Which means I desire fucking none of it! Here’s Anthem in a friggen nutshell, right? You fly to a place, you shoot the things, you play a mind-numbing game of hot and cold. You fly to a place, you shoot the things, you play a mind-numbing game of hot and cold, et cetera. In-between these monotonous steps you’ll be forced to listen to radio calls from some jackass talking some jackass shit for ages. The world of Anthem sparks no imagination, encourages no exploration, it’s a lifeless universe of drudging routine, and pointless vaguery. When I finally decided to stop playing it, I literally said, out loud, from my mouth hole, “I can’t take any more of this.” Going through piles of loot that’s just dreary assault rifles, and pistols and shit. Playing Chocobo hot and cold without the Chocobo. Serviceable – at best – combat driven into the ground by a game that does nothing with its tools but tread water. All punctuated by a sheer lack of content. Content that was meant to be added as part of a “road map” that never came to be, because Anthem is a waste of space. It’s suggested that somewhere, BioWare is still committed to turning Anthem into something worth owning, but the dwindling playerbase, and the complete failure to deliver on this game’s promises doesn’t make up for anything they try and do now. What makes Anthem truly shitty though is the abuse committed in its name. And it is abuse! BioWare’s awful management pushed developers beyond breaking point with crunch, terrible, last-minute decisions, and a game caught in development limbo until basically the final months. People had legit breakdowns over this game. And for the end result to be such a miserable shell is fucking criminal. Awful game. [music] (as Skeletor) “Samael The Legacy of Ophiuchus!” Samael The Legacy of Ophiuchus isn’t a videogame it’s a… situation. That’s the best way to describe this loathsome, bloody disaster. It makes the legendarily terrible Life of Black Tiger look like fucking God of War. I hesitate to use this word, but Samael was… ‘developed’ by recurring Shittiest Games winner, Gilson B. Pontes. Known for such infamous tragedies as Sword of Fortress the Onomuzen, and Spear of Destiny the Kaiseki. If you’re wondering why the game titles use weird words, it’s because Pontes is pretentious as fuck! Anyway, the footage of Samael The Legacy of Ophiuchus (no fucking punctuation, by the way) isn’t doctored. None of this footage is altered. It really is just that bad! With brutal screen tearing and so much blur it’s about to sing Song 2. If you want to simulate the Samael experience without giving money to Pontes, play Dark Souls with your controller upside-down, and fresh cum in your eyes. It still won’t be as awful, but it’s the closest you can get. The game just barely works, which is a Pontes trademark. The big gimmick is the ability to ride a dragon which doesn’t breathe fire, or fight, or anything, it just kind of almost flies? But here’s the best bit! Riding the dragon makes all objective markers – and enemies – disappear completely! Which makes it less than worthless! Just like the game it’s in. When you do fight enemies you just mash buttons and hope you kill it as your dodge is useless, And why am I even talking about mechanics?! Even. Anyway. Even. Just look at it! Look! This is a PS4 game! It’s a PS4 game! It’s sickening! A sickening abomination! See ya next year, Gilson. [music] (as Skeletor) “Crackdown 3!” Crackdown 3? More like “Crapdown Wee”! Ha ha ha, that was a funny joke. Crackdown 3 is sort of a joke as well. But it’s not funny, it’s just shit. It’s an uninspired retread of the original Crackdown, which isn’t such a bad thing until you remember this isn’t fucking 2007. The world has moved on! So far on, since the first Crackdown. But this series sure as balls hasn’t. It doesn’t even look like it’s graphically evolved much. To say nothing of the clunky controls, weakly threadbare combat, and the fact that Crackdown 3 has incorporated next to fucking nothing from the many advancements made in the 13 years since Crackdown’s release. For some, playing a blatant rehash of Crackdown sounds like a good idea. But those are people who have bad ideas! This thing looks and plays like a budget title in today’s world, and even if it had come out back when Crackdown was a relevant series, it would still come off as a lazy, slapdash recycle job. Because that’s exactly what it is. The fact Microsoft squirted it out without any fanfare whatsoever is a testament to its worthlessness. The game’s controls feel like genital itching, the physics are floaty and messy, and the gameplay loop is tepid, tired, and tedious. In a market saturated with open-world titles, every new entry needs to raise its game. And Crackdown 3 decided to raise nothing but my hackles. Now go on, admit it. You’d completely forgotten this game existed until now, didn’tcha? Ha ha ha, that’s okay! By tomorrow you’ll have forgotten about it again. [music] (as Skeletor) “Left Alive!” (electronic voice) “Caution, the enemy is approaching.” “Caution.. the enemy is approaching.” “Caution, caution, the enemy is approaching.” “The enemy is, the enemy is ap- the enemy is.” “Caution. Caution. Caution.” “The enemy is-” (laser gun fire) (dying character) “My job’s… not.. done yet…” (slow mo) “Caution” Left Alive, where do we even begin? Essentially Metal Gear Solid fan fiction gone horribly wrong, somehow Left Alive had the incredible freaking gumption to charge $60 for its ugly, broken, infuriating bullshit. It tries SO hard to look and feel exactly like Metal Gear Solid and it’s fucking embarassing. An embarrassment made worse by the fact that, for all its aesthetic aping of a superior series, it’s hard to believe any single person working on Left Alive has actually PLAYED a Metal Gear Solid videogame! Or a videogame in general for that matter. The UI and the menu may copy MGS, But oh, my friend, the actual gameplay. Jesus. Christ. Much of the gameplay is about laying traps on the floor, and luring enemies one by one into them with excruciating slowness. When you’re not doing that, you’re just walking from Point A to Point B with the enemies too spread out to be a threat, but with the game constantly fucking yelling that the enemy is approaching. And they’re not approaching, you’re approaching them! They’re just stood still with their bad AI. A health bar and guns for the player have been included in the game, but I think it’s been done as a joke? You get spotted by enemies in this game and you will be shot down within seconds. Seconds! There is literally no point to having a health bar. This is a long, slow, trudge of a game. The stealth barely works. Sometimes guards won’t see you if you’re a foot in front of them, sometimes they spot you from miles away. It’s so boring. And confusing! And I genuinely wonder if the developers know what videogames are, how they work, and what they’re supposed to do. Garbage. Hot fucking garbage! [music] (trailer announcer voice) “This summer,” “She wants to help her patients.” “He wants a donor.” “He wants to find love.” “And he…” “wants to die.” [warped screams and distorted sounds] “Just Add Love.” “Coming soon.” [music] (as Skeletor) “SolSeraph!” [sword drawn, loud fart] SolSeraph is the spiritual successor to ActRaiser, that’s what Sega’s marketing department will tell you. What I’ll tell you is that SolSeraph is the spiritual successor to some dog shit. A bad game, made for you to have a bad time. It alternates between a clumsy, unresponsive, yet punishing action-platformer and a sluggish, mundane, wholly sub par tower defense. Controls are astoundingly laggy, a problem made worse by monsters jumping in from off-screen to ambush you. It’s authentically distressing to play! Something to ruin your day! That’s the platforming side. The tower defense dross is marginally better than the platforming crap, but to be marginally better than abject misery isn’t particularly good, is it? I’d actually recommend playing Anthem over this thing. Anthem. And that’s on this list! [music] (as Skeletor) “WWE 2k20!” (yelled distantly) What the fuck is this shit? [music] (as Skeletor) “Contra: Rogue Corps!” [Konami alarm sounds] “Hit the lever!” [Konami news music intro] Contra: Rogue Corps is Konami’s annual bad videogame. Last year the publisher insulted Metal Gear Solid’s legacy with the insipid Metal Gear Survive, and this year it’s Contra’s turn to be mocked by a company that literally doesn’t give a toss. A mere three words best describe what Contra: Rogue Corps is like. Your. Weapons. Overheat. They overheat! You can’t keep firing them, or they stop working! In a Contra game! A goddamn Contra game! You know, that series where shooting is literally the jizzing point of it. Even worse, the overheating and cooldown conditions on weapons are fucking awful! You can’t fire for more than a few seconds, the overheat meter lags a little on screen, so you can’t even accurately judge when you should stop firing before the gun breaks. The whole thing is overall way too restrictive, and is so stop-y start-y it breaks whatever flow this game could have hoped to muster. They had the worst idea you could have for a Contra game, and then implemented it in the worst way possible for ANY game. It’s almost a technical fucking marvel how bad they did this. This cheaply cobbled-together speck of filth is truly unpleasant to experience. While perhaps not the worst game I’ve ever played, it may very well be the most pathetic. Even by Konami’s subterranean standards, Contra: Rogue Corps is downright humiliating. The shooting lacks any sense of impact, each level is the same old bland trash, and it starts recycling content within the first half hour! With the same bosses repeated multiple times often in the same level, with only mild variation. And end-level monsters take a bafflingly long time to kill, without ever being hard. So you’re just chipping away at these long enemy health meters like you’re cutting down a tree with a spoon. In fact, every level is long, repetitive, and self-cannibalizing. After ten minutes you’ve seen practially all Contra has to offer. But it offers it over and over and over, until you delete it off your harddrive forever. Which is what you should do. Also, it’s visually hideous and characters don’t even cast fucking shadows! Mm? Look. They don’t even cast fucking shadows. Bleugh. [music] (as Skeletor) “Nyaa Ancestors: The Humankind Odyssey!” Ancestors: The Humankind Odyssey got some attention in no small part thanks to its lead designer, Patrice Désilets. First off, his status as a former Assasin’s Creed developer gave the game some pedigree. But when it finally came out, it was completely forgotten about, and the world barely gave a shit. Then, Patrice Désilets gave it some more attention. When he accused reviewers of not playing the game, which was his excuse for it having a low Metacritic score. Not even a dreadfully low one. But he said because he’s worked on Assassin’s Creed games before, he’s used to “higher numbers than that.” Fuck off. The precious eggshell prince seems to think people just don’t “get” his unique and brilliant game. Well, I’ve played it. …for a bit. Then I stopped. Cuz it was shit! Some games get credit for not holding the player’s hand and letting them figure things out, but there’s a thin line between a game of discovery and a game of willfully inscrutable bollocks. The game is basically about running around as a fucking chimp trying to work out what to do. And it’s slow, it’s vague, it’s painfully boring. So basically I just got my chimp high on mushrooms and called it a day. [eating and ambient jungle noises] [distorted pop song] This game makes the cut not just for being dull rubbish, but for all the arrogance surrounding it. Besides which, everyone knows if you want a genuine evolutionary experience you play The Human Race on the Commodore 64. (sings as Skeletor) “And toss a coin to your Witcher,” “O’ Valley of Plenty” “Yeah yeaaaaahhh!” “Toss a coin to your Witcher” “A friend of humanityyyyyy” “Heheheheheheheh!” “Heeeeeeeeeee!” [music] (as Skeletor) “Flowers Are Dead!” This trailer is incredible. Simply bloody amazing. It starts with water flooding everywhere, a devastating deluge of disastrous dimensions. Everything is submerged. We see in the depths the remains of a civilization now gone. Cities emptied. Only the material goods of humanity left in the wake of our disappearance. A deserted school bus! With a teddy floating inside for poignancy. Mannequins in a shop window serving as static reminders of humanity, artificial hair floating almost sorrowfully. But then! Then the water starts to flow backwards. Time is reversed. Buildings, once drowned, now see sunlight once more. A rat provides a glimmer of life! As a high school gym drains, the water, its course now irrevocably reversed, pours its way into an apartment building and up the stairs. The music is swelled! Our anticipation with it! …Only to find that the water was someone crying because of how emotional Death Stranding is – ah ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha… (inhales) AH HA ha ha ha ha! (gasping breaths between laughs) Ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa! I saw this trailer play in the movie theater when I went to see Rise of the Skywalker, and I burst out laughing. Way too loud in public for a normal person. It’s so shamelessly fucking pompous. Basking in its own contrived adulation. A pretentious and self-serving ego trip of an advert that lays claim to a sentimental resonance that it’s done absolutely nothing to deserve. David Cage would approve. An unqualified attempt at emotional manipulation that might trick a dumbass into thinking it means something, but to everyone else is a hilariously mortifying display of complete and total arrogance. As for Death Stranding? Well I think I just described that, too. Anyway, speaking of trailers, Flowers Are Dead gained mild attention for having the worst game trailer of all time. Literally nothing happens in it. This is it. The trailer. That’s… that’s all, this is all what it is. People laughed at how bad it was, especially as like with Life of Black Tiger, it was found on the official PlayStation YouTube channel. Giving it the appearance of tacit support, from the PS4 platform holder itself. The thing is, when you actually play the game you realize that the worst trailer of all time, is actually the best part of the game it’s advertising. The best you can say about the game is that it’s thematically consistent with its marketing since you do fucking nothing in it. It’s a game truly deserving of the designation ‘walking simulator’. You literally just walk. Occasionally listening to some vague gibberish on cassette. The only fun to be had is in walking to another cassette before the last one stopped playing. Because not only the audio, but the subtitles overlap. And that’s it. Literally, that’s it. That’s Flowers Are Dead. What you’re looking at on your screen right now is Flowers Are Dead. The beginning and the end of it. That’s what it is. [music] (laughs maniacally as Skeletor) “Ghost Recon: Breakpoint!” Ubisoft has a habit of making all its games follow a similar pattern to the point where titles in entirely different genres still kinda feel the same. Big open spaces with the same nebulous busywork dotted all around it, Some of Ubisoft’s titles still manage to be quite fun and enter into a satisfying gameplay loop. Not all of them though. Some of them are drab, po-faced, glitchy, and stuffed with fucking microtransactions, because of course they are. Also, they’ll be one of those ‘live service’ games that demand an always-online requirement but don’t actually stay online themselves. And that’s Tom Clancy’s Ghostbreak Con Wreakpoint. When I first bought the game, I couldn’t play it for over two hours because the servers were down. And when I finally got into it, I was frequently booted out of the game for the same reason. Much of the criticism for Anthem can apply to Tommy Recon’s Ghost Clancy Breakdance. It’s a vast, empty world of brown, where the openness of the world serves no other purpose than to make it take longer to get anything done. Gameplay is repetitive, looter-shooter nonsense where the loot in quest in yet more boring fucking guns. And the driving physics? Well, they’re borderline ‘iconic.’ [The song “Mr. Booze” from “Robin and the 7 Hoods (1964)” plays.] [song end, loud splat] Ghost Clancy’s Tom Clancy Point Break is worse within the context of its release year. As Ubisoft had already pumped out an open-world, third-person, looter-shooter live service with The Division 2. Which was enjoyable enough in its own mediocre and very political way. Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakfast is just The Devision 2 but worse! Inexcusable. Utterly fucking inexcusable. With its half-hearted shooting, laborious travel, unpolished buggy nature, and almost every aspect of the game being monetized to hell and back, I had a sad time playing Tom Tom Tom’s Tom Tom Tom: Tom Tom. Like just a sad feeling inside. Is what I had. I hate this game. Because it is very bad to play. So there you have it! The Shittiest Games of 2019. Do you agree? Are there some you thought were left off? Why not say so in the comments? And I will probably not read them. Until next year! Oh, oh! See you next year, and also see you next decade! Ah HA HA HA HA ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! That’s a thing people say! (laughs maniacally) (laughs louden into shouts) Thank God for me! [calm outro music]


Back when I was in college, I like most people
enjoyed having my friends over to have a good time. Most nights I would hang out with my
friends, and enjoy a couple of drinks. After we were all feeling good, we would turn on
the Playstation for a little gaming. And what game did we always go straight for, it wasn’t
Call of Duty or Madden, as most might expect. It was Angry Birds. We absolutely loved it.
It caused so many arguments and insults. It was fantastic and always a good time.
Everyone knows what Angry Birds is. It is a game that has taken over the world and is
enjoyed by practically everyone, from high school students, to parents, to even grandparents.
Everyone has been wrapped into the world between the birds and the pigs. Angry Birds was originally
released for iOS, but was quickly ported to practically every system, including the PS3.
So does the addicting game provide the same fun with a dualshock controller instead of
touch controls? The answer is yes. The story of Angry Birds has turned into an
epic struggle of good versus evil. The evil green pigs have stolen the eggs of the birds,
which turns these birds into very angry birds. Armed with their slingshot, they are out to
get their revenge and their eggs. For those who don’t know how the game plays, I will
quickly go over it and ask, how is life living under a rock? The game is a puzzle game, in
which the pigs are hiding under structures that are not that stable. So the birds launch
themselves at these structures, with each birds a different color and with a special
ability. The blue birds turn into three birds, the yellow digs through wood, and the black
ones explode. That’s a good bird. So you have to shoot your birds at the right angle,
and use your ability at the right time. You want to do this to get at the pigs, and also
cause the most destruction so you can get the highest score and receive that all powerful
3 stars. The levels start off pretty simple, but soon turn into an exercise in brain-power
and patience. The levels now are brought to life on your
TV, and the transition works great. They retain the same feel as before, only now they’re
bigger. It is a lot of fun to see a bird fly across your TV, making that famous scream.
It takes the game from being a game you just play in your hand and turns it into a game
that can be played with friends, while you pass the sticks and laugh at the sound effects
and visuals. But one of the things that made Angry Birds
so assessable was the simplicity of the controls. On phones, you can just pull back the bird
and launch. It was easy and effective. While with the move to the PS3, you now perform
this action with the analog stick and launch with X. I feel this actually brings a higher
level of control, because you don’t have your finger getting in the way. It is just
as easy as phones. The biggest problem I have with this version
is the price. You can get Angry Birds on phones, for free, nothing, zero. And if you want to
pay, it’s only a dollar. Here it costs three dollars. That is just unacceptable. Also,
phone versions see updates on a fairly regular basis. This one, nothing. There have been
no updates and are left with the bare bones version. If you don’t have a smartphone
or if you want to share your love of Angry Birds with friends, then this is great version
but at a high cost.